Happy Hell Night (1992, Brian Owens)

Some serious potential with this one, although it buckles into just another post-slasher bore-fest of the early 90s. Remember that? When the slasher genre had pretty much worn it's self out around the tail-end of the 80s and it was just impossible to get any new franchises off the ground. It never happened for Dr. Giggles and it never happened for Zachary Malius of "Happy Hell Night"...

A crazy, demonic-looking priest - imprisoned in an asylum for massacring a bunch of college kids 25 years prior - is accidentally set free by a couple of idiots who break into the prison for a fraternity prank. He runs around on Halloween night - armed with a mini pickaxe - killing party-goers.

There's some kinda demonic tie-in when Darren McGavin shows up, explaining some haphazardly conceived back story that they fail to make clear throughout the entire fucking movie. The kill scenes are moderately gory, but nothing at all special and there's only one scene of brief nudity. The only positive note I got on this is the killer. He looks fucking creepy! That's where the previously mentioned "potential" came into play, but was ultimately lost by EVERY other piss poor execution in the construction of the muddled story. Also, it's just cliche and bland. Don't even bother with this one.

E.T. - The Porno (1996, Lidko Entinger & Siggi Entinger)

I have no qualms calling this THE most odious, cockamamie porn-parody ever made. Not to mention, one of the least arousing...

First, the "plot": A female E.T. lands on Earth with hopes of learning our customs. She happens to go looking around a Victorian-style mansion where the residents do nothing but bang each other. After peeping in a few doorways, E.T. decides that she wants to get involved... And these people are more than accommodating...

First off, E.T. looks like a mound of sun-baked dog shit that was crudely sculpted into a human-esque shape and fitted around an anorexic porn actress. The costume looks like it was constructed out of garbage bags that had once been filled with excrement then, at the last minute, they ripped a hole around her vagina and nipples so these limp-dicked German guys in top hats could fuck this friendly alien. Speaking of E.T. getting fucked - the visual alone is as unappealing as watching your grandmother gape her pussy and talk about the "good ol' days" - but the sounds it makes are beyond disturbing. It moans like an old, wounded cat being fucked to death. The other sex scenes - the ones NOT involving E.T. - are easier to stomach, but still not all that 'erotic'. They refuse to shed their wardrobe so you've got a lot of awkward, fluffy, Victorian era dresses getting hiked up and creepy, German groaning.

That's basically all I got on "E.T. - The Porno". It's terrible and there is NO reason for it's existence, though if curiosity gets the better of you, like it did with me, than by all means; hunt it down.

Quiet Nights of Blood and Pain (2009, Andrew Copp)

This is a very dull indie-slasher flick from Andrew Copp, who did the tripped out, experimental horror film "The Mutilation Man". Thing is, "Quiet Nights of Blood and Pain" had a relatively interesting premise that was, unfortunately, bogged down by too many obvious budgetary constraints...

I chubby female veteran is home from Iraq and struggling through some post-traumatic stress that an old Vietnam vet is trying to help her through. All-the-while, she is being pursued by another Iraq vet - this one, suffering a much more severe kind of post-war trauma that's actually more along the lines of a full-on mental collapse. He's running around killing people whom he deems a threat to national security, such as some masked rapist punks under a bridge, a couple with an anti-Bush bumper sticker and a school janitor...

The biggest problem with the film is the acting. It's SO fucking bad that I found it impossible to take most scenes - namely those involving dialog - at all seriously. The best of the amateur actors, I'd say, was the bald killer. Also, the amount of gore is quite disappointing considering it's from the guy who did "The Mutilation Man". That film wasn't a major achievement in gore - not in quality, nor quantity - yet I just KNEW that he could've done MUCH better than what was seen in "Quiet Nights of Blood and Pain". However, like I said, the idea behind this was decent, though I just wish some more time had been taken with certain elements. Better acting. Better gore. A lot of the scenes could've been much stronger. Can't recommend it.

The Mutilation Man (1998, Andrew Copp)

In terms of 'experimental' horror/gore films, "The Mutilation Man" is an ample work of surrealist depravity, though nothing all that memorable in the long-run. Still, I typically gravitate toward this kind of dream-like/nightmarish and more fortuitous looking type of film-making style, so I could find it somewhat feasible to appreciate some of the weirdness on display here...

A guy with a severely troubled past, spends his days wandering around an assumed post-apocalyptic "wasteland" with a shovel. He has a spot set up where people pay to watch him self-mutilate in a moshpit-like setting. There are frequent flashbacks to his childhood in which he witnessed his abusive, alcoholic father (played by Jim Van Bebber) stomp his mother to death. At one point, he meets a chick who also likes to cut herself up - as indicated by a body full of scars - and they begin a masochistic relationship in which she ties him up, beats him and then hooks these fleshy horns protruding from her forehead up to wires attached to TV's that play grisly footage of murder and mayhem...

That's basically what there is, in terms of the premise. No solid linear narrative to be had with this one. Visually, however, the movie looks pretty good. Shot on 16mm as well as Super-8, the tone and graininess shifts around quite a bit. A few parts also looked like they were shot on video. Not much dialog either - mostly just atmospheric music and clanging and roaring sound effects. The gore effects are plentiful and well done for the most part. For such an indie flick, they obviously put a fair amount of work into certain elements, so if you happen to be into some of the more "artsy" types of gore flicks, I'd recommend checking out "The Mutilation Man".

Elephant (2003, Gus Van Sant)

Like a lot of people, I find Gus Van Sant to be an extremely annoying film maker, especially with the slapping together of his soporific "Death Trilogy" - three unrelated films in which the director ignorantly mistakes laziness for "artistic". When making "Elephant", Van Sant opted for a cast of totally non-actors (and it shows) and decided to utilize his signature method of continuous walking sequences shot in a single, consecutive take. I get the impression that Van Sant feels quite artistic while shooting these ultra-tedious steady-cam shots, despite how much his self-indulgence makes him look like a huge asshole and total hack. If anything, though, I'd say "Elephant" is the LEAST shitty of the "trilogy", due to the eventual foray into some pretty sensitive subject matter involving a Columbine-esque school shooting.

The plot is pretty depthless. We follow around (literally) different high school kids throughout a seemingly typical day. One kid with an alcoholic dad who tried to drive him to school, a hipster photographer, a group of bulimic girls, a football player, some doggish-looking chick and the inevitable shooters. They take turns being followed around, endlessly, by the camera as they walk around school - no place in particular...

Van Sant kills a LOT of time with the pointless, drawn out steady-cam shots and spends just the last 20 minutes on the shooting, of which, is when the film improved cuz something finally happens, though it still just comes across as meaningless and exploitive. No solid motives are given to the shooter's violent rampage, which Van Sant claims was intentional and I don't doubt that. He's intentionally lazy... The director's take on independent, minimalist film making is very much skewed and one-dimensional, as he clearly just likes to take the easy (and cheap) way out by improvising, but he does it TERRIBLY. When you have shitty unskilled, non-actors improvising, chances are it'll turn out like THIS. Uninteresting and embarrassing to watch.

The only thing I appreciated about "Elephant" is the fact that Van Sant touched on the 'taboo' and relevant topic of school shootings and carried it out in a very unapologetic and almost mean-spirited and offensive manner. That said, if he had actually given the viewer something or someone to connect with, the movie could've possibly been much more gripping. Following people around with a camera for 10 minutes at a time down hallways doesn't constitute 'development', so when they finally start getting blasted by the Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold-type "oddball" students heavily armed with assault rifles, I wasn't all that shocked or affected. Still, "Elephant" IS more watchable than Van Sant's previous movie in the insipid "Death Trilogy", "Gerry". At least this one ends with more of a BANG.

Gorepump's Sewer of Short Horror #2

New batch of 'mini-reviews' of short horror, 'arthouse' and various oddball indie films. Same setup as before: Nothing over 15 minutes. Lot of good ones here...

 

 

Callous Sentiment (2002)

Cool little horror short about a teenage boy who begins seeing mortifying, ghostly spectacles going down in an abandoned, fenced in playground. Things like, a guy butchering his cheating girlfriend with an axe, a chick hanging herself from the monkey bars, a gang-type beating and a body being buried. Ultimately, the kid's sanity begins to curtail as he develops a sinister addiction to the atrocities on display in the empty playground...

Pretty well made short with a simple, yet kind of creative and neat concept and a little bit of violence. Recommended.

Directed by: Vincent Grashaw
Runtime: 13 minutes

Adoration (1987)

A dude invites a chick over to his place for a date. She kind of looks like Elaine from Seinfeld. Anyways, they have dinner, he makes her read some poetry into a really huge, old reel-to-reel tape recorder. While she does this, he shoots her in the back with a rifle, then proceeds to fondle her corpse and dismember her...

Pretty morbid little short. It's shot kind of like a faux-snuff film, showing the guy setting up the camera and often moving it around while you hear the constant whirring of the film. The effects of the dismemberment aftermath are pretty realistic as well. Well done.

Directed by: Olivier Smolders
Runtime: 15 minutes


Cottonmouth (2009)

"Cottonmouth" is quite a nightmarish little flick, based off the graphic novel by Steve Bissette that I have never read or heard of until seeing this short recently...

A gang of corpsey, demonic-looking women stitch shut the mouth of a man responsible for the distribution of toxic tampons that lead to the death of a young girl on her first period.

While it was alright on a visual basis - with good make-up effects and interesting lighting and colors - "Cottonmouth" was still much too vague to really interest me all that much. I kinda needed a little more than what the 7-ish minute run-time gave me. Maybe I'll have to check out the comic at some point.

Directed by: Christopher P. Garetano
Runtime: 6 minutes

10/65: Selbstverstümmelung (1965)

Pretty decent short from Austrian 'arthouse' film-maker Kurt Kren. Much like his other work, this one has no plot - just relying on it's visual merit and nightmarish weirdness.

A guy is laying in a room and writhes around in paint or some kind of slime. He eventually gets a bunch of razor blades stuck to his face and then starts clamping his eyelids with an eyelash curler and slicing them off with scissors...

It's not bad. The imagery is kinda cool and grotesque and the editing isn't as rapid and confusing as many of Kren's other shorts.

Directed by: Kurt Kren
Runtime: 5 minutes


Harvey (2002)

"Harvey" is just a cool fucking short horror film, starring Nicholas Hope from "Bad Boy Bubby". You got a guy peeping through the mail-slot of his front door at the chick living in the apartment across the hall. He breaks in while she's in the shower and it's revealed that the entire left side of his body is completely missing, right down the middle. After abducting her - and a bit of a time-lapse - we see that he has removed the right side of HER body and attached it to his. They try having dinner and co-existing, but she's adamant about removing herself from him...

For such a brief little film, the effects are surprisingly GREAT. For 2002, the CGI is pretty top-notch and it looks fucking SICK. If you're looking for crazy horror shorts, than check out "Harvey".

Directed by: Peter McDonald
Runtime: 11 minutes

At the Suicide of the Last Jew in the World in the Last Cinema in the World (2007)

This very short little flick had me smiling just cuz it is SO fucking accurate! Or, at least, it WILL be very soon. David Cronenberg plays a guy who is despairingly preparing to commit suicide in the men's room of the very last movie-house in the world. As he slips that single bullet into the clip, two presumed TV reporters are narrating the live coverage of the man's eventual self-inflicted demise in a gleeful, media-vulture-type fashion...

The more time that goes by, the more relevant this 3 minute short will become, I believe. The idiotic news anchors in the film say at one point that, basically, it's a GOOD thing that the theater is soon to be demolished because there is no need for cinemas anymore and that it's currently full of garbage, hence Cronenberg has to kill himself in the restroom since it's the only place with enough space. Check out this cynical little piece of truth.

Directed by: David Cronenberg
Runtime: 3 minutes

Mama (2008)

This is the short film that the 2013 Guillermo del Toro-produced feature was based off of. It's about 3 minutes long and doesn't really have a conclusive story - it's more of just a 'scene'.

Two young girls are rushing to escape their house because "Mama is back". Mama is a staggering, ghoulish, scraggly-haired broad who comes running at them from behind a corner...

If you've seen the full-length movie, you'll surely recognize this portion since it was remade for that. However, I actually found it much more effective here than in the feature. The CGI is kept to more of a minimum and Mama doesn't roar like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. The sound effects are much more subtle here, yet her movements are pretty fucking creepy. Still, part of me is wondering if there was actually a little more to this, since no plot is established and it really DOES seem like a fragment of something a bit longer. Anyway, you can find it online. Check it out.

Directed by: Andrés Muschietti
Runtime: 3 minutes