Masters of Horror: Jenifer (2005)

Dario Argento's first entry in the Masters of Horror series is definitely a strong one with a nicely twisted concept and bizarre air of equally twisted sexuality.

A seasoned cop spots a seemingly crazed man gearing up to murder a young woman under a bridge and saves her, rather than heeding the warning of the cleaver-wielding man that exclaims how she needs to be destroyed. Turns out, the woman, Jenifer - while having a rockin' body - is facially disfigured, almost to an animal-like extent. This doesn't stop the officer from plucking her out of the insensitive holdings of a correctional facility and putting her up in his home, much to the chagrin of his family. You see, Jenifer is a frisky bitch who has a strong, sexual hold on the helpless man and begins to destroy his life, leaving them both eventually destitute while the ferocious, hot-to-trot succubus uncontrollably mauls whomever she can get her claws on...

Along with his MoH short, "Pelts" - Argento knocks it out of the park with "Jenifer". The monstrous facial effects of Jenifer are actually pretty creepy and the narrative is tight and engaging. The outcome, however, is very predictable but it doesn't take away much, if anything. I really dug this one. Definitely ranks among my top favorites of the series.

The Millennium Bug (2011)

"The Millennium Bug" is a moderately entertaining B-flick that oddly goes about combining two types of horror in one, which, to its credit, definitely sets it apart.

On December 31, 1999 a father, his daughter and new wife are celebrating New Years up in the mountains just in case the 'Y2Kaos' hysteria is legit and apocalyptic shit goes down. Their camping trip is interrupted by a family of hillbillies who are after new women to wed/impregnate after we see their sister giving birth to a deformed, inbred baby (which is promptly killed...). While this is going on, a loony scientist has hiked out into the same woods to document the arising of an ancient creature that only shows up for one night every one thousand years. So big bugs and deranged rednecks collide in a considerably odd climactic "showdown", of sorts.

The bug creature is comprised of decent enough looking practical effects - blending, what appear to be, a fly, a slug and a stegosaurus with retracting facial tentacles and random, spiked appendages. We don't see all that much of it until the last half hour or so, however. Up to then, the movie plays out as pretty standard 'killer redneck family' horror piece, which supplies some amusement and some good gory moments - also practical (hell, the production company behind this movie is called No CGI Films, so they keep it legit, despite an obviously meager budget...). After a while, though, I felt it getting a little redundant and was more than ready for some bug action. Overall, "The Millennium Bug" is nothing close to spectacular, but it's not a total piece of shit either. I'll commend it on its cheezy, yet passable, effects work and the outright ridiculousness of the premise. I've seen way worse.

Rakka (2017)

"Rakka" was the first short from Oats Studios - an 'experimental film'-geared production company started up by Neill Blomkamp - the director of "District 9" and "Chappie". It's evident he was equipped with a considerable budget and some skilled effects artists and actors for just a mere 22-minute movie, but I found it pretty cool.

It depicts a hellish future where a malevolent race of lizard-aliens have taken over Earth - leaving a small number of humans fighting for survival. The aliens apparently have mind-control abilities, of which are thwarted by metal head wear welded from scrap. They discover a guy who has been melded with alien technology who seems to be crucial in the fight against their extraterrestrial overlords...

This short is shot very well with a pretty interesting set-up and the CGI and practical effects are big studio quality, more or less, I found. I guess my problem would be that it does just come across as a SET-UP to a story that's ultimately cut short. Maybe they're lining up some sequels or this was meant to hopefully pull in some funds to be extended into a feature. I'm not sure. Still, "Rakka" is, visually, a well done short film.

10 Cloverfield Lane (2016)

The only thing that made me even remotely inclined to check this movie out was John Goodman who I find usually pulls off dramatic roles well and was up to seeing him acting crazy. What I DIDN'T find all that enticing about this one was it's connection to that shitty, 'found-footage' giant monster movie from a few years ago. Had it been an entirely stand-alone film, I feel like this could have been a total home run...

After a getting into a nasty car wreck, a young woman wakes up in a bunker situated under John Goodman's farmhouse. He's convinced that the world is ending and that the outside air is contaminated and deadly. He refuses to let her and another male captive leave his below ground safe haven.

Like I said, what sunk this movie was its ties to "Cloverfield" which totally voids any potential aspects of mystery regarding what's going on up on the surface and whether Goodman's character is crazy or not. We know exactly what's going on. Then the whole thing concludes with an expectedly piss-poor ending that completely didn't 'jibe' with the tone that preceded it. But, aside from these glaring flaws, the bulk of the movie is pretty watchable, mostly due to the tension Goodman brings. In all, had they dropped the "Cloverfield" tie-in bullshit, this one could've worked quite well. Mildly recommended. Just shut off the last 10 minutes.

Silver Bullet (1985)

Obviously, not a whole lot of serious consideration was given to the source material, here (being Stephen King's 1983 'novelette', "Cycle of the Werewolf"; notably illustrated by the great Bernie Wrightson...) resulting in a substantially WEAK film adaptation with "Silver Bullet". The shit they came up with to keep the movie more of an undeviating narrative turned the story into just a silly, anti-climactic joke, I thought. Was that the point? Eh, maybe.

A wheelchair-bound 11-year old comes face-to-face with the lycanthrope that's been killing the residents of his small town and, with the help of his sister and 'cool uncle', attempts to put an end to its reign of terror...

Unlike the book, this movie only takes place in spring through autumn, hence "cycle" pretty much HAD to be stricken from the film's title. It also sticks primarily with a few main characters - striking the 'vignette' structure of King's initial story, which was pretty much just a literary string of werewolf murders. Aside from these differences, "Silver Bullet" is just a overtly cheesy and boring '80s horror flick. I guess it's more "dated" than anything, so perhaps I'm being a little 'rough' on it, but I really just couldn't stomach the cheap-ass looking werewolf effects and all the goofy, souped-up wheelchair material that makes up the movie. Also, the wolf kills way too many people with a baseball bat... Having read the book numerous times since I was a kid (being the short read that it is...), I can safely say the movie version is highly disappointing.

Tales of Halloween (2015)

"Tales of Halloween" is a strange and somewhat entertaining holiday anthology - the second one I've seen recently, following "A Christmas Horror Story". It's not quite up to snuff with that one or the 'top dog' of Halloween horror anthologies, "Trick 'r Treat", but it's not BAD.

You got ten stories all taking place on All Hallows' Eve - most of which are centered around a revenge theme. There's a ghoulish entity that rips the eaten candy from peoples stomachs, Satan, himself, presumably taking a trick-or-treater out on a crime spree, some people being terrorized by a gang of killer trick-or-treaters and a kid calling upon a demon to take care of some bullies that killed his parents. Lucky McKee has one of the more 'odd' segments about a witch dressing her wimpy-ass husband up as Hansel and handing out candy - followed up by a guys' Halloween decorations being one-upped by the headbanger neighbors, a "Friday the 13th"/"Evil Dead" combo-spoof involving UFOs and an evil Jack-o-lantern taking over the town...

For the most part this one is a straight-up horror-comedy, though its got a decent amount of gore and some fairly enjoyable, tongue-in-cheek moments if you're down for shutting your brain off for a bit. My one problem was how they threw in all the story titles during the opening credits, which didn't make much sense to me seeing as how it was nearly impossible to remember them (and who wrote/directed them...) once the story came around. In all, "Tales of Halloween" is no genre 'classic', but if you're up for something dumb it's worth a watch.

Humanoids from the Deep (1980)

Genetically mutated, anthropomorphic tadpole rapists is what I would call a stellar B-movie creature flick conception and, as one would guess, it doesn't fail to entertain!

The residents of a coastal fishing community are being sexually violated and/or murdered by ravenous and horny sea monsters...

"Humanoids from the Deep" does a pretty damn good job of keeping the sleazy creature fun rolling - with bikini's being violently torn off sexy beach-bimbos, followed up on with fierce amphibious, inter-species copulation. There are suitable doses of gore thrown in and the 'humanoid' effects by Rob Bottin (of John Carpenter's "The Thing" fame, of course...) look pretty cool, overall. The 'climax' kicks shit into high gear with a hefty amount of rapey tadpoles storming the town carnival. Good shit. That's pretty much all I got on this one, but I definitely advise popping this thing in over some drinks for added enjoyment. Kudos, once again, Roger Corman!

Demon Wind (1990)

I can't quite go so far as to peg "Demon Wind" as a terrible movie, but it's definitely close to one. It's just a real disjointed - albeit, seemingly ambitious - "Evil Dead" knock-off that gets way too wrapped up in it's over-explained plot and poor pacing...

A group of young friends head up to the family farm of one of them who has been having bad dreams about the place and his family history and wants to know what killed his grandparents there, years ago. They find that the place was burned down, but still acts as a sort of 'portal' to a demonic spirit world where they become trapped and dogged by mobs of creatures.

The biggest problem I had with "Demon Wind" was the over-abundance of back story exposition that eats up a good portion of about the first two-thirds of the movie. It's really slow up until almost an hour in, then we start getting some gooey-faced demons which works, but never really takes the movie into any kind of exceedingly 'exciting' or interesting territory. It just becomes a "Night of the Living Dead" rehash, mixed with some "Evil Dead" and finishes off with a totally random, nonsensical, slapped-on ending. On the plus side, the make-up effects are pretty good. Not the worst flick, but far from anything you should go out of your way to try to hunt down...

A Christmas Horror Story (2015)

"A Christmas Horror Story" is essentially the Yuletide equivalent of 2007's Halloween anthology, "Trick 'r Treat" - featuring a series of interwoven holiday-themed horror stories. I'd say both films are definitely on par with one another, in terms of quality. They're both exceptionally entertaining.

Five stories are intertwined, simultaneously (as opposed to the more episodic movies of this ilk...) - with William Shatner as a radio DJ, acting as the wrap-around, more or less. As he's working and boozing it up during Christmas, some teens sneak into the basement of their high school - which used to be a convent-turned murder scene - to shoot a documentary. A cop who was on the scene of these murders has his young son swapped out with an evil changeling while trespassing on a demon-hoarders land, while another family is pursued by a Krampus and Santa Claus battles 'infected' zombie elves at the North Pole...

Like it's aforementioned counterpart, "Trick 'r Treat", "A Christmas Horror Story" goes about capturing the 'feel' of it's respective holiday considerably well. All of the stories are enjoyable - the best, I'd say, being a toss up between the changeling one and Santa Claus, mainly for the clever 'twist' attached to the latter. There's some gory moments, some silly ones involving crazed, self-mutilating elves and a few fairly creepy parts as well. It's got it's bases covered pretty well. Overall, "A Christmas Horror Story" is a surprisingly fun and "festive" movie that I could easily see becoming a genre favorite around the Xmas season. Recommended.

The Boneyard (1991)

"The Boneyard" is a pretty damn entertaining indie creature flick once you get past a relatively slow-paced start. Almost seems like it could've been a straight-up serious horror up until about the last third when shit just gets crazier and crazier with demon poodles and Mr. Roper with a ponytail...

A retired, emotionally scarred psychic is coaxed out of retirement by a desperate homicide detective when a trio of supposed child corpses are discovered in an apprehended man's mortuary. It appears he held them captive there, claiming he was being controlled by otherworldly evil beings conjured in some kind of Asian ritual. When the psychic and detective head to a coroner's facility to investigate the bodies, the three evil little fuckers spring to life and run amok, devouring and spreading their contagious demonism to the terrified survivors.

This one interestingly blurs that line between silly, Peter Jackson-inspired stuff and straight-up horror, what with the creepy little flesh eating demons which, I'll say, came across as actually really effective and nasty at times, juxtaposed with the sillier, more over-the-top 'sight gag' type shit around the third act. Like a Phyllis Diller monster. Also Norman Fell is this. Not to insinuate that these qualities are BAD. Hell no! In all, "The Boneyard" is a hidden gem of 90s horror and a fun watch. If you're into "Evil Dead" and "Return of the Living Dead", I'd say you'll get a kick out of it.

The Brain (1988)

I had no real expectations going into "The Brain" since I knew nothing about it, and I was left pretty blank when all was said and done. There's really nothing good about this flick (aside from the one chick who was willing to take her top off, twice...), but I can't just flat out call it shitty... It just feels pointless, which is odd cuz I know they were going for a strong metaphor on the effects of brainwashing in the media, but it just doesn't come across as all that clever or worthwhile in the end. I guess I just didn't care... All I took away from it was: it's a dull monster movie.

A trouble-making high school student is sent off to a mental heath facility to be treated by a TV doctor whom everyone in the community seems to worship. While there, he's unknowingly hooked up to a big brain creature that makes him hallucinate before he freaks out and runs off. The rest of the movie is pretty much him on the run from the doctor and his henchman who are apparently trying to collect all the 'free thought' from TV viewers and strengthen their ever-growing killer brain monster...

"The Brain" is an ambitious enough flick in certain respects, but just didn't do much for me. The rubbery brain with the face was stupid looking and watching it's even MORE rubbery teeth bend over peoples bodies as it's devouring them killed it for me. That, and it's just DULL. Maybe I was in the wrong mood, but I suggest passing on "The Brain". And that's all I got...

The Incredible Melting Man (1977)

I hadn't seen this one in years and was happy to finally revisit this classick the other night. This is easily the best 'melt movie' ever ("Street Trash", of course, coming in at a close second...) and I don't care who disagrees with that. All hail Rick Baker and his gooey skills!

During a space mission, a crew of astronauts are exposed to heavy radiation around the rings of Saturn and Steve is the only one on the shuttle to return to Earth alive. However, he's in pretty bad shape as his body is gradually melting, though he now possesses heightened physical strength. After escaping from the hospital, he goes on a rampage through the town while a scientist tries to catch up with him and contain his radioactive rage...

"The Incredible Melting Man" is done very much in the tradition of '40s and '50s sc-fi movies, just with a slimier, gorier 'edge'. Steve, the melting man, looks great as he's scaring and tearing towns folk up while literally falling apart along the way. You got a few memorable scenes, such as the old lemon-stealing couple, a severed head going over a waterfall in slow-motion and hitting the jagged rocks below and, of course, one sorry motherfucker getting tossed into some power lines. Awesome demise! Just an all-around fun, straight-foward flick. If you haven't checked it out, do so.

There's Nothing Out There (1991)

I guess I've seen worse as far as self-aware indie- horror/comedies go, so in all fairness, "There's Nothing Out There" wasn't a total misfire. I just found it more annoying than witty, overall.

Some high school friends drive up to - you guessed it - a vacation home out in the woods for spring break. They end up having to fight off a frog-faced, tentacled creature that shoots mind controlling laser-beams out of it's eyes and wants to procreate with the women...

It's one of those movies that throws a bunch of cliches out there in order to spoof the genre, so I can't really give it shit for that. Much of the heavily forced humor fell flat, for me at least, and the obnoxious, over-the-top, nonstop sarcastic delivery of the horror nerd character got particularly irritating. Good points were the girls are pretty much in their panties or bikinis for the majority of the movie, which gave me enough reason to coast on through the run-time. That's really all I got on this one. There's worse shit like this out there but I still can't recommend it.

Spookies (1986)

What "Spookies" was - based on my non-extensive, post-viewing research - initially, a completely different movie that I guess got scrapped along the way after some financiers backed out. So a new director was brought in to finish the production by coming up with a whole new premise and just cobbled the shit together based on the footage they had. So what it ended up being was basically three or so different stories clumsily mashed together. And it definitely shows...

It starts off with a 13-year old boy running away from home because his parents forgot his birthday. He comes across some shady adult man in the woods, whom he exchanges brief dialog with before leaving the man to be killed by some kind of cat-man creature wearing a pirate shirt. The kid shows up at secluded mansion where he finds a birthday party set-up (cake, presents, etc...) but no people. After opening a present to find a talking human head inside, he runs from the house where he is chased and killed by cat-pirate. The movie then shifts to a group of people who show up at the mansion to party. However, things go awry when the house's primary inhabitant (whose head was in the box...) starts playing a deadly game of 'chess', using his new visitors as the pawns... Oh, and he has some chick he loves preserved in a coffin...

So, of course, the direction and editing are beyond horrible and nonsensical. What "Spookies" is more or less known for is its multitude of make-up and creature FX - the vivacity of which is actually pretty spotty. Some of the FX are decent while others look like dollar store Halloween costumes. I think the effects work was suppose to act as the redeeming factor of this flick, but, in the end that really couldn't save it. In all, "Spookies" is just a slapped together mess that should have just been aborted the first time production funds were pulled. This outcome just doesn't work...

When Animals Dream (2014)

I'm actually a bit torn on this one. I want to like it for the same reasons I want to dismiss it as kind of a bullshit, typically 'artsy' horror film, but at the same time I don't want to totally shit on it. "When Animals Dream" is sort of an almost-werewolf-flick that relies mostly on wide shots and quiet characters - shit that can work when it doesn't come across as so flagrant and trite.

A young plain-jane with an almost comatose mother and shitty fish butchering job begins noticing strange hairs sprouting up over her body and is having dreams of snarling creatures resembling herself. The pieces start falling into place when she peeps in on her dad shaving her mom's back and catches a glimpse of the doctor's chart. Turns out, mom is being heavily sedated to keep her from turning into a wild, hairy she-bitch that kills the villagers - which she is apparently known for...

Honestly, I didn't really get 'into' this one. The slowness of it and the whole 'atmosphere-over-story' aesthetic just doesn't work for me. Yeah, it's shot very nicely and in a nice location, but, aside from that, it really isn't that much different than many werewolf movies I have seen. The characters are the dull, quiet type (shoot the sky, not dialog!...), the effects in the end are boring and simple, and the gore is minimal - everyone gets bit on the throat. I really just felt like I had seen this kind of thing before, numerous times. It didn't feel original to me. That said, it's not terrible. Well shot, adequately acted, but that's about it...

Howl (2015)

A werewolf movie from the guy who did "The Seasoning House" (as well as make-up FX for a bunch of films, like "The Descent"...). While being nowhere near as memorable as those flicks, "Howl" is decent enough, though I'm not without my gripes...

A train stalls out on the track in the middle of a British forest where the passengers are forced to defend themselves against a herd of werewolves lurking in the foggy darkness.

Obviously, "Howl" goes about in the traditional "Night of the Living Dead" recipe of a stranded faction of strangers fighting for survival, so don't expect anything new, plot wise. As far as effects - exteriors are predominantly comprised of CGI backdrops on a sound stage which is actually done fairly well, I thought, while the CGI creatures are significantly less convincing. For certain types of scenes, the werewolves are half composed of digital elements - mainly the legs and some facial features - which may have been alright if I wasn't so annoyed with the overall design of these things. Director Paul Hyett opted for mostly hairless werewolves clearly to cut costs, so they ended up looking like something from "Lord of the Rings" from the waist up and a kangaroo from the ass down. Furry lycanthropes are eminently cooler. It's common fucking knowledge.

Despite these flaws and certain points where the movie tends to drag quite a bit - like after they kill one of the wolves, leaving us waiting for another one to strike, which takes WAY too long to happen - "Howl" is watchable, at least. It adds nothing new to the werewolf genre, but it's a worthy way of killing 90 minutes.

Queen Crab (2013)

"Queen Crab" isn't the worst thing I've seen, but is definitely a far cry from anything great. It's a pretty basic monster movie formula that's main 'draw' (for what it's worth...) is that it attempts to revive the old-school stop-motion FX style. I'll concede that it's moderately refreshing but ultimately pointless, seeing as how the movie, itself, is boring and poorly executed.

A small farm town - ironically named Crabbe Creek - becomes infested with big baby crabs that are birthed from an even bigger crab that has been hiding in a lake for 20-years. When the local sheriff and his deputy begin investigating crab tracks and egg sacks around the rural locale, the townsfolk become aware, killing the crab babies and going to war with mama crab...

Again, it's nice to see stop-motion work in a monster movie throwback, however, the novelty of it doesn't do much for the film, as it really just looks like your standard, cheap Syfy channel shitfest. Needed more crab attacks and less character cliches and corny dialog. Overall, "Queen Crab" could've been worse - it just needed more action.

Krampus (2015)

I ended up digging "Krampus" a bit more than I thought I would. I was initially a little 'put off' by the comedic factor I had been hearing about, but seeing as how I enjoyed "Trick 'r Treat", I figured it'd be worth seeing what else that director had up his sleeve. Turns out, the guy has a definite knack for holiday horror flicks.

Based on some Christmasy folklore, the Krampus is a demonic take on St. Nick that drags to Hell the loved ones of those who lose their xmas spirit. A young boy throws out his letter to Santa after being bullied by visiting relatives during the holiday season, thus ushering in the Krampus and his sack of evil creatures to whisk the family off, one by one...

Just an all-around cool Christmas horror flick, I thought. The humor/horror ratio is well balanced, if not keeping to a more serious, 'creepy' tone, overall. Definitely steering clear of the dreaded "spoof" territory which I was glad to see. The atmosphere is strong and the creatures are unique looking - the Krampus especially looking pretty badass. Wasn't too crazy about the evil gingerbread cookies, but, in the scheme of things, it didn't bother me too much.

In all, "Krampus" isn't a 'game changer' as far as the genre goes, but it's easily the best thing I've caught in the theater in a while and is your best bet if you're feeling 'festive' this holiday season and are in the market for an entertaining little flick. Recommended.

Zombeavers (2014)

Just because it's a movie called "Zombeavers" and I may or may not have been in an alcohol-clouded state of mind a few nights ago that may or may not have required a viewing choice of a rather undemanding nature. Either way, I watched this. Did it exceed my incredibly low expectations? No. Is it at least enjoyable? Barely.

A container of toxic waste rolls off a truck driven by a pair of idiots and it floats into a beaver dam, turning the little critters into vicious, glowing-eyed zombeavers. More cliches are piled on as a trio of babes arrive at a remote cabin to help get their friend's mind off her cheating boyfriend - who later shows up with the other girls' dimwitted boyfriends to party. Then the zombeavers show up...

As for it's strengths - the cheezy hand puppet beaver effects were kind of enjoyable; there's a nice pair of tits as well as the stand-out scene in which a little dog is sacrificed to the zombeavers. Other than that, it's got gore but it seemed considerably scant seeing as how this is a movie that had very little going for it, overall. Any off-screen zombeaver attack (of which this movie has several...) is unacceptable, as far as I'm concerned. Also, the point in the movie where people begin turning into anthropomorphic zombeavers was just too imbecilic for me, I'm afraid. The stupidity of this film's concept 'jumped the shark' with that shit, but thankfully the end was near.

"Zombeavers" isn't worth a DAM and needed more bloody beaver carnage!

Clown (2014)

I was a bit more entertained by this one than I expected. I guess it's due, mainly, to the fact that it takes the concept of demon clown transformations completely serious. Does that mean it's GOOD? Nah, not really. But a killer clown flick not being totally played for laughs isn't too common. Plus, you thrown in a handful of splattery kid murders and, hell, I'll accept whatever ridiculous clown lore bullshit you can toss my way.

A guy fills in as a last minute clown for his kids birthday party, wearing an old clown suit he found at a dead dude's house. The next day, panic begins setting in when he finds it virtually impossible to remove the articles of his clown ensemble (rainbow wig, red nose, makeup, suit...) as they have adhered, seemingly permanently, to his body. He seeks the help of the former owner of the costume who explains that the only way to intercept the demonic metamorphosis that is taking place is to either decapitate him or feed him the proper number of children...

"Clown" offers up a fairly unique (though seemingly unintentionally goofy...) 'body horror' premise that contains a nice amount of practical effects - many of which are pretty decent - and the crème de la crème: a bloodbath at Chuck E. Cheese! I must say, the kid killing in this one is on par with another psycho clown film, "Sloppy the Psychotic".

So, while I can't say "Clown" is anything all that groundbreaking, but I'll give it props for keeping with a more serious 'tone' in the midst of horror-comedies being the familiar go-to these days - even through all of the silliness and retarded 'clown mythos' - and for having the balls to slaughter little kids. I'm being generous, here, but I'm giving it a moderate rec. Also check out "Stitches" if you dig fucked up clowns.