Mayhem (2017)

Either this movie sucks or "The Belko Experiment" raised the bar for office work-place survival-horror flicks. Could be both, seeing as how these movies are very similar in plot, as well as setting, but "Mayhem" went off in such an over-stylized and over-acted direction that it just came across as strained and irritating.

A new virus called ID-7 is making its rounds that causes its hosts to lose all their inhibitions and act totally on raw impulse - such as, say, going and beating the shit out of their boss, publicly fucking someone, and etc. Also, a murder loophole was established so a blind eye is turned in favor of those who are infected out of their mind and commit homicide. The virus finds its way into a giant law firm which is promptly quarantined while the staff is left to their own crazed devices for 8-hours as the contamination is extracted from the building. This gives a recently fired, cut-throat employee his opportunity to get to the top floor and get even with those who fucked him out of his job.

There's definitely a promising concept here - again, not unlike "The Belko Experiment", only with a mind-altering sickness afflicting a white collar work environment instead of a murder quota - but ultimately "Mayhem" just seemed to be trying too hard with the played-out narration providing introductions to all the main players, the heavily (if not IRONICALLY 'cheesy') stylized fight scenes and the incessant, inane one-liners. They just seemed to be going so far out of their way to try to be 'off-the-wall' that it just plays out as derivative and annoying, with nothing even memorable as far as violence and gore. Honestly, though, I can see some people enjoying this one, it's just not my kinda thing I guess.

Hotel Inferno (2013)

"Hotel Inferno" is another odd, gory and relatively entertaining film put out by Necrostorm. It's shot completely as a first-person action/splatter scenario, which, I guess, makes it the first of it's kind for this very particular film 'niche'.

A seasoned hit man is hired to kill a murderous couple in their hotel room by a mysterious client who has supplied him with computerized sunglasses that act as a camera. When the hit doesn't go totally as planned and the hired assassin figures something is 'off' when his targets start acting zombie-ish, he ditches the glasses and fights to escape the hotel that is loaded with Satanic, plague-infected goons. Even when the glasses are off, we still see all the action exclusively through the main character's eyes.

The first-person 'device' this movie uses is obviously far from new, as we've seen it in the shitty "Maniac" remake, "Hardcore Henry" and a good portion of "Enter the Void" - though they manage to do a decent enough job of making it work for the most part. I wasn't annoyed the entire time. The gore helped quite a bit and there were a few good practical effects here and there. In all though, I wasn't all that crazy about "Hotel Inferno". A few parts toward the end got a bit boring and dragged on too long (fucking candle lighting and long-winded exposition, my fucking gawd!) and I wasn't totally sold on the POV-video game type gimmick, but as far as European produced splatter flicks go there are a LOT worse. Moderately entertaining, overall.

Rakka (2017)

"Rakka" was the first short from Oats Studios - an 'experimental film'-geared production company started up by Neill Blomkamp - the director of "District 9" and "Chappie". It's evident he was equipped with a considerable budget and some skilled effects artists and actors for just a mere 22-minute movie, but I found it pretty cool.

It depicts a hellish future where a malevolent race of lizard-aliens have taken over Earth - leaving a small number of humans fighting for survival. The aliens apparently have mind-control abilities, of which are thwarted by metal head wear welded from scrap. They discover a guy who has been melded with alien technology who seems to be crucial in the fight against their extraterrestrial overlords...

This short is shot very well with a pretty interesting set-up and the CGI and practical effects are big studio quality, more or less, I found. I guess my problem would be that it does just come across as a SET-UP to a story that's ultimately cut short. Maybe they're lining up some sequels or this was meant to hopefully pull in some funds to be extended into a feature. I'm not sure. Still, "Rakka" is, visually, a well done short film.

Hunter's Blood (1986)

"Hunter's Blood" is just okay as far as "Deliverance"-inspired, 'backwoods survival' movies go. There's nothing too ground-breaking about it, though I honestly didn't have a hard time deriving some enjoyment out of it, as a whole.

Some "city-slickers" cruise out into the woods to do some hunting, but not before encountering a group of local poachers whom they have a hand in apprehending along with a pair of game-police. The fight is on when the criminal 'good ol' boys' break free from their chain-gang - killing the cops - and go after the hunters with a score to settle...

There's a few decent scenes - one of which involving a guy shown twitching after getting the majority of his head blasted off and Clu Gulager kicking a surprising amount of ass for a man his age. The performances are all good and it supplies some adequate suspense but, in all, "Hunter's Blood" didn't really come across as anything all that notable in my book. For a 'backwoods-thriller' it was entertaining enough, but isn't the best I've seen as far as these types of movies go but is far from the worst. Moderately recommended for fans of 'hillbilly-horror' or survival flicks.

Punisher: War Zone (2008)

I'm not a fan of action movies, overall, and I know nothing about comic books or Marvel, but "Punisher: War Zone" is a rare one that, surprisingly, I ended up digging quite a bit. I'd say it definitely served its purpose of improving upon that 2004 piece of shit film adaptation of "The Punisher" with John Travolta, tenfold.

Frank Castle, a war vet whose family was violently murdered after witnessing a mob hit, enforces a take-no-prisoners brand of vigilante justice on the scum of New York City. When a prominent mafia figure slips from Frank's grasp and sets his sites on the wife and child of a cop that got caught up in some of Frank's 'friendly-fire', The Punisher pursues it as a personal vendetta...

I guess a bunch of Marvel nerds have voiced their dissatisfaction with the previous "Punisher" movie, thus "War Zone" was made to rectify the previous blunder. I had seen the '04 one a while back since I'm a fan of vigilante flicks and remember it having zero impression on me. "War Zone" ups the violence and scales WAY back on all the back-story and anything that makes Frank Castle anything more than a pissed off killing machine! People are impaled, hacked up with axes, heads explode in barrages of gun-fire... And more! Oh, the blood is flying in this one! Not to say it's the most violent thing ever. Not at all. But hell, for a mainstream action flick... from Marvel! They did alright.

The Jaguar Project (1983)

Damn, this is straight-up MY kind of war flick! "The Jaguar Project" (aka. "Cannibal Mercenary" - aka. "The Mercenary" - aka. "The Jungle Killers") - is pretty much beginning-to-end badassedness that goes above and beyond in offering up the 'exploitation' goods without much else getting in the way, aside from a little copious back-story here and there...

A soldier - all tweaked out on PTSD and with a Polio-stricken daughter - is hired on as a mercenary with a $500,000 incentive to lead a team of men into the jungles of Vietnam to locate a girl and take out an army of cannibal Viet Congs. Along the way, they're faced with a dick-chopping female spy, some baby-faced freako slope and his gang of golden showers assholes, some firecracker torture, among other such arduous obstacles.

There's not much I can think to fault this one for. It's just an all-around strong and entertaining trashfest with enough violence and gore to maintain one's interest. Not just a heads up - there are apparently several versions of this movie floating around, notably another known cut in which a subplot involving white people hunting for a Buddha artifact is spliced in and much of the "good stuff" is removed. The one I'm reviewing here is - what I can only assume to be - the fully intact version, clocking in at about 104 minutes. It's the one you want. I have not seen the other, more Westernized version, but I hear it's dog shit. You want some fun Thai action then you gotta give this little gem a spin!

Gun Woman (2014)

"Gun Woman" is a pretty fun revenge flick. Sort of a Japanese take on "Thriller: A Cruel Picture", I'd say, mixed with a little "Oldboy". Throw in a healthy dose of gore and sleazy subject matter and you've got a recipe for prime entertainment...

A sadistic, raving lunatic wrongly accuses a doctor of his father's death and expresses his acrimony by raping and killing the doc's wife and leaving him hobbled. Some time later, the doctor's elaborate method of vengeance is ready to be sought, which involves purchasing a young female junkie and molding her into an incredibly efficient assassin. Next, she is to pose as a corpse to infiltrate a necrophilia den out in the desert with a disassembled handgun sewn into her body.

As you can probably imagine, this one delivers on a range of 'goods'. Gore, rape, corpse fucking, cannibalism, fight training montages... The overall concept is well executed and fully embraces a "classick" B-movie/'exploitation' quintessence - involving some decent gore; most notably a 'dry run' on the effects of blood loss conducted on a helpless girl and, of course, the climactic showdown with our bloody, naked heroine. It also wraps up with a decent enough 'twist'. "Gun Woman" is a fun, nutty revenge/action/sleaze joint well-worth checking out.

Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)

I wound up giving in to the hype surrounding the revival of the "Mad Max" series due to how over-the-top and 'non-stop' people were telling me it was. They weren't wrong. This thing is absolutely packed to the gills with all-encompassing action and visual 'richness'. And... that's really all it sets out to provide it's viewers. Not a bad thing, for sure.

Short form plot rundown: Mad Max, a badass chick and her girl posse are cruising around in a 'war truck' through a post-apocalyptic desert full of pasty goons, lead by a water-hoarding leader...

In all, "Mad Max: Fury Road" works more as a massive visual spectacle then anything else. The character seems to take a backseat to each consecutive 20-minute vehicular incursion (the bulk of the film, needless to say...) and the compulsory focus on arrant feminism. The Max character comes across as unnecessary while being so overshadowed by needless granny biker gangs and Charlize Theron's blandly forced exposition of redemption - the longest instance in which the film 'slows down', I'd say. To give you an idea - at one point, Max runs off into the fog to take care of some 'business'. He comes back after some peculiar noise, covered in blood (not his own...) and we realize that serious ass was kicked... completely OFF SCREEN! Not to say there's any shortage of 'balls-out' action in the film - I just feel they underutilized and over-pussified the supposed primary character in favor of a female dominated 'mold' in which Hollywood feels compelled to adhere to lately. Personally, I'm not attracted to masculine warrior-women. Call me 'old fashioned'...

Aside from that bullshit, "Fury Road" IS some entertaining, old-school escapism. Not entirely my kind of movie, typically, but it's pure visual eye-candy of the mindless, ultra-high-octane sort. Good shit to check out on the big screen, overall.

Snowpiercer (2013)

Had been meaning to check out "Snowpiercer" for a while. I wasn't tripping over myself to do so, but I had heard good things and it sounded like kind of a cool "1984"-style 'thriller' piece and it actually was for the most part without soaring over my expectations...

Set in the year 2031, the Earth has been buried by a new ice age - leaving the small remaining populace to sustain an existence on a massive luxury train that moves non-stop throughout the subzero, post-apocalyptic landscape. Their enclosed civilization has submitted to a bit of a backslide in class segregation, leaving the poor to be housed in the back of the train with no windows, gelatinous protein bricks for food and at the mercy of the sadistic 'enforcers'. When it's decided that enough is enough, the downtrodden come together and start violently making their way to the front of the train.

Pretty entertaining futuristic 'thriller' with a fairly consistent 'flow' of stylized carnage to go along with its surreal premise and visuals. There's a few pretty 'strong' scenes, such as one character's back story having to do cannibalizing babies, a guy's arm getting frozen off and a violent altercation taking place with "Midnight, the Stars and You" playing in the background. So, overall, "Snowpiercer" is an enjoyable, yet reasonably dark dystopian flick. Worth checking out.

Django Unchained (2012)

My appreciation for Quentin Tarantino pretty much fades after his early break-through gangster films, as he has since redirected his 'talents' toward just making overblown, tongue-n-cheek fanboy spectacles. Everything he's done - post-"Jackie Brown" - HAS to be a cartoonish, genre-inspired 'throwback' - constantly lacking the grittiness and writing/character-driven appeal of his first few (completed) films. "Django Unchained" was his 'Grindhouse' homage to spaghetti westerns...

Newly sold slave-boy, Django, is purchased and freed by a German bounty hunter who requires his help in tracking down some vicious plantation thugs. Things seem to go well for them in their travels so they team up and make a killing (pun very much intended...) in the bounty hunting game. Eventually, they figure they'll infiltrated Leonardo DiCaprio's plantation where Django's wife is serving as a "house nigger"...

Now, in all fairness, "Django Unchained" is the best 'western' I've seen. I hate 'westerns'. HATE them. I find the look and overall tone of them to be incredibly banal, repetitious and lame. Even the so-called "violent" ones people have tried recommending to me are never violent enough to make up for how expectedly bland and arid they end up being. John Wayne was one of the most irritatingly overrated actors in the history of film, as far as I'm concerned. Anyways... While I can't say that "Django Unchained" blew me away by any means - it had enough of that overly-stylized Tarantino violence and a decent enough plot to keep the almost 3-hour long runtime rolling along. That said, the characters were very one-dimensional and the gimmicky quick-zoom thing was annoying. It also could've scaled back on the comedy, I thought. So yeah, for a 'western' it was alright, but, obviously, I'm somewhat biased. As popular as they are and as much box-office 'draw' as his films amass, I personally haven't noticed Tarantino making a smooth transition from his early 'indie' efforts to Hollywood circut film-making. It all ended with the insipid "Kill Bill" saga - showing that he's just trying WAY too hard. Hell, I always feel more and more like I'm watching a long, ultra-expensive Superbowl ad with each Tarantino movie that comes out. It's like I'm just watching him and his fucked up chin throwing hundreds-of-millions of dollars around on screen for three hours.

Rambo (2008)

"Rambo" is only like one of two action movies that I can say I truly love. I'm typically not a fan of the action genre as it always feels to me like they're holding back on the violence and blood for the sake of marketing to younger audiences - replacing it with the over-utilization of cartoonish cliches. So then after 10 years since the last movie, Stallone takes the directorial reins for the fourth installment in the Rambo/First Blood series - orchestrating what is basically the "Braindead" of action films.

John Rambo is living relatively quietly in Columbia as a snake capturer when he's approached by some missionaries who want to hire him to transport them - via rickety boat - to a village in Burma to do some bullshit peace work. He reluctantly does and the village is eventually pillaged by the sadistic Burmese military who capture them for sex slavery and pig food. Rambo is then called upon again to join up with some mercenaries to rescue them...

Stallone closed out the franchise with an insanely gritty, no-holds-barred bloodbath without any  bullshit. It takes itself very seriously (which I like...) and has some very chaotic, grim and unpleasant depictions of genocide, involving up-close dismemberment, exploding bodies and even children being torched alive. Nothing is candy-coated, which makes for a satisfying conclusion which has Rambo blasting a guy at point-blank range with a .50 cal before essentially making hamburger meat out of an entire army. Guts and limbs are flying fast and furious and it's fucking epic. No snappy one-liners or romantic sub-plot to draw in the female audience. No implied violence or punches pulled. Everything is pretty much done perfectly and makes for some fast-paced, wall-to-wall carnage that will surly keep you satisfied. If you haven't seen it then you're definitely missing out.

Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan (2013, Gary Jones)

Well, this sucked about as much as you'd expect. More cheapass straight-to-video campiness, rehashing the flash-in-the-pan "Sharknado" craze that inexplicably gained notoriety after sweeping the small screen. "Axe Giant" is about as good as THAT shit (which, in my book, means it sucks a pile of rotten donkey ass...), though it didn't catch on for whatever reason. I guess sharks falling on people is more entertaining to the American public. What the fuck do I know?

A handful of delinquent teens are sent on a camping retreat in the Minnesota mountains to be reformed. One of them finds the horn belonging to a long deceased Babe the Blue Ox (not realizing it obviously...) and takes it with him. This pisses off the evil ogre, Paul Bunyan, who emerges from his cave to look for the horn. Along the way a bunch of them are chopped up by his giant axe...

Every cliche in the book is used and the CG effects are beyond terrible, but it's obvious that they were being self-aware and intentionally 'silly' with it's retarded subject matter. This factor, however, doesn't impede on the overall suckiness of this shit heap. It's just boring and unamusing in it's over-the-top, cornball use of CG gore effects and it's overt use of green-screened backgrounds. And Joe Estevez is annoying as the zany, doom preaching hermit and the only nudity is provided by a butt-ugly ginger chick with no tits. There's nothing good about this movie, whatsoever.

The Purge: Anarchy (2014, James DeMonaco)

Having just recently seen the first of "The Purge" films, I was noticing that people were favoring this sequel over it quite a bit. After checking this one out, I must say, I personally think the first one was a better film.

I'm not really going to waste too much time on the run-down, since everyone pretty much knows the drill: The Purge is where one night out of the year the U.S. government grants it's citizens a legal 12-hour crime free-for-all. Well, this time around, the focus is not on the upscale 'burbs, but the urban environment and how THEY "celebrate" the annual Purging...

First off, there was definitely some interesting stuff going on in this one that sheds some new light on the different 'customs' surrounding the whole class-warfare element of the purging tradition. Such as sickly elders being purchased by rich Purge participants to slaughter in the security of their homes and other such despicable 'business' tactics carried out by the imperious wealthy. Where my major gripe lies with this follow-up is in that there's just too much going on too fast that a lot of  the ideas - while mostly promising - just felt wasted in the long-run. Having a couple's car break down around 'ground zero' of prime Purging mayhem was a good idea. Having a guy in an armor-plated car with an endless gun supply looking for vengeance from a past Purge was another good idea. There's some interesting street-Purgers - one of whom with some high-powered weaponry in the back of an 18-wheeler and an anti-Purge organization... All of it just felt largely underplayed to me. I guess too many people were upset that the Ethan Hawke one apparently blew it by keeping the framework more along the lines of a horror movie, that they decided to go the more fitting "Escape from New York" route this time around. Unfortunately, they spoiled most of their potentially cool ideas by cramming them all into one movie that never really focuses on anything long enough for it to really work or be all that effective. Also, it didn't really help that the violence never manages to exceed the light' R-rated studio standards which was pretty disappointing. Because the first one was obviously on a much smaller scale, the amount of bloodshed and violence was acceptable enough, but when you take The Purge to the streets I would expect a much higher capacity of brutality. I'm just sayin'...

In all, while it had potential, I thought "The Purge: Anarchy" left a bit much to be desired. It might've been made a little too fast for what they were trying to do. Obviously, I gotta say I dug the first one over this for it's much more solid suspense and tone. Sorry.

Father's Day (2011, Astron-6)

Anyone who says they don't like Troma is either a total jerkoff or has not seen "Father's Day". This is a flagrantly offensive, unremittingly gory and thoroughly entertaining 'exploitation' throwback - something I've been getting a tad tired of lately - these modern, tongue-n-cheek homages - but with something like this, I can't complain. This flick made me happy.

A fat killer has apparently been running around for decades, raping and killing dads. An eyepatched vigilante had dedicated his life to tracking down and exacting revenge on the ruthless murderer for the murder of his own father, but ended up gunning down the wrong guy and being sent to prison for ten years. After his release, he disappeared. Now, the dad slayings are once again ramping up so a young priest searches for the reclusive father-avenger in order to talk him into going after the killer once again. Once he's agreed, the eyepatch hero ends up teaming up with the priest and a young backalley male prostitute, named Twink, whose father was the last victim of the brutal psychopath, known as Fuchman...

This one delivers on the goods - man-on-man ass rape, necrophilia, incest, blasphemy, dismemberment, cock mutilation, strippers with chainsaws, you name it. It's all backed by Troma Team's signature absurd humor, which I didn't mind at all in this capacity cuz it fucking works. Granted, some of the gags here and there I felt didn't quite 'land', such as the whole toxic berry trip and some of the dialog scenes that tend to go on for a little too long. That said, the good certainly outweighs the bad, as far as "Father's Day" goes. I liked how the movie totally switches gears around the last half hour, introducing a demonic angle and making for a pretty off-the-wall and downbeat ending. I think they could've left out the whole 'late night TV movie marathon' throwback gimmick with the fake trailer thrown in around the half-way mark and the whole grainy look throughout the whole movie. It's just unnecessary and redundant at this point. Still, I gotta give this one a major recommendation for gorehounds and Troma fans. It shouldn't disappoint.

Meatball Machine (2005, Yūdai Yamaguchi)

Blood-soaked 'cyber-punk' splatter battles! What's not to love? "Meatball Machine" delivers on all the visual insanity that comes from fusing people with robotic weaponry...

After getting his ass kicked by a tranny outside of a porno theater, a lonely factory worker finds some kind of hard-shelled stingray type of creature that houses an otherwordly parasite searching for a host. After saving the girl he secretly admires from an aggressive douchebag yuppie (and getting his ass kicked again...), she takes him home where she is attacked by the creature, who implants some kind of slug sack in her that transforms her into a human/machine-hybrid. Some convenient exposition lends some insight into the purpose of these parasites, which seems to be: to control the host through their nervous system and cannibalize other such beings after battling them to the death.

It's obvious that "Meatball Machine" is a take off on Shinya Tsukamoto's landmark 'cyber-punk' masterpiece, "Tetsuo: The Iron Man" only with much more gore - courtesy of 'new wave' Japanese makeup/special effects artist, Yoshihiro Nishimura. There's plenty of nasty, gratuitous violence and gore (some of which involving children...) and crazy industrial biomechanical amalgamations - appropriately called Necroborgs - engaging in brutal junkyard brawls. Like the "Tetsuo" series, it's bizarre in a totally self-aware kinda way, but doesn't cease to bring the entertainment, full-force. Needless to say, this one gets a hearty recommendation.

A Lonely Place to Die (2011, Julien Gilbey)

"A Lonely Place to Die" is a pretty solid survival-horror flick out of the UK, along the lines of "Deliverance" and "Straw Dogs".

A group of rock climbers are hiking through the scenic Scotland mountains when they come across a young Serbian girl buried in a box, equipped with a breathing tube. They rescue her from the claustrophobic confines and soon find themselves on the receiving end of some gunfire from a pair of murderous kidnappers awaiting their ransom money...

It's an entertaining and very well shot film that makes extremely good use of the picturesque mountain range highlands. I'm typically not one to give much of a shit about the nature content of a film, but I thought the sweeping, panoramic backdrop was an undeniable high point with this one. The characters aren't the most interesting or developed, which isn't completely a BAD thing, seeing as how they managed to dodge some cliches that are usually expected in certain types of movies. No romantic subplot or unnaturally heroic feats in the end. It stays reasonably plausible, I thought. Also, the whole angle with the undercover cops doing the trade-off worked well and was pretty tense. In all, I gotta say that this is definitely one that's worth checking out. Not a perfect flick or anything, but pretty damn entertaining.

Rampage: Capital Punishment (2014, Uwe Boll)

I dug Uwe Boll's original 2009 film, "Rampage". Definitely one of his best flicks to date - being quite a mean and nihilistic film about a town targeted by a mass murderer.

This is a direct follow-up, marking the return of Bill Williamson, one of the most bloodthirsty homeland terrorists on record. After mercilessly annihilating over one hundred innocent citizens, he disappeared, leaving just an internet video (as seen at the end of the first film) where he explains his motivations which entail wiping out as many people as possible in order to lighten the exhaustion of the Earth's resources and prolong the overall existence of civilization. Here, we find Bill hiding out in a small house in the woods somewhere, assembling explosives and gearing up for another attack. This time, his sights are set on a TV news station, leading to a hostage situation involving the staff - namely, the top anchor, whom Bill seems to have taken issue with. As a SWAT team forms outside, Bill has some demands that he wants met...

Unlike the first movie, "Rampage 2" isn't total wall-to-wall carnage, but more of an upheaval of political indiscretion and anti-government diatribe. You really get the feeling with both of the "Rampage" films that Uwe Boll is just venting his ass off. The first being a completely masturbatory explosion of senseless violence on the unsuspecting public with the film's tagline asking, "Have you ever considered it?", while the sequel attempts to make more verbal points concerning the government, all culminating down to the stark message that the rich must be killed. Boll's harsh and unapologetic approach to these films' bold call for violent, anarchistic proletariat uprise clearly stems from a personal agenda which these movies are structured around. Can't say I have any objections... Though I'm only speculating...

As for the film, itself, "Rampage 2" (like it's predecessor) has it's flaws, such as our anti-hero firing machine guns at passersby from an alley all day and not drawing attention from the authorities. I also couldn't get past the breaking of a DVD in half just by tripping and falling on it... The positives, though, would definitely include Brendan Fletcher's performance. He really fell into the role this time around and it's much stronger, I'd say. In all, I'd give this one a recommendation for those who liked the first flick. They're not without their gaping plot holes and irritating overuse of shakey-cam bullshit, but Boll certainly seems to be coming around as a film-maker these days. I'm sure this is on it's way to becoming a big series...

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014, Matt Reeves)

I'd safely say it's been well over a year since I've visited a movie theater and recently I got an invite and took it because, despite my lack of interest in any big releases coming out these days, I still tend to enjoy the theatrical experience. So I checked out "Dawn of the Planet of the Apes" (in 2D cuz I was too hung over for the glasses) which, in all honesty, I had very little interest in, but having somewhat enjoyed the previous entry in the recently revived ape saga, I went at it with a relatively open mind and actually dug it, overall.

My recollection of "Rise" is pretty hazy, but since then the ape civilization is residing in the woods while what's left of the humans is left - scarce of resources - in the remnants of San Francisco for a decade. Since their fuel is running dry, they sent some people out into ape territory to make some fixes to a dam and generate some power for lighting and heat. Without getting too in depth, there's some much expected friction and trust issues between humans and genetically altered, super-smart apes which leads to ape-on-ape, as well as human-on-human and some ape-on-human backstabbing and, eventually, an all-out war...

There's a whole lot going on in this flick, story wise, but that's basically all ya need to know on it. Because of this, the runtime of over 2 hours moves incredibly quick. The CG primates look fucking terrific. As much shit as I talk about the over-use of CGI, I WILL say that they have just about perfected monkeys when it comes to this technology. It's pretty impressive. I could never get past those rubber Halloween masks from the 60s, so I'd call this a tremendous enhancement. And unlike "Rise", this one provides the 'goods' in terms of ape violence. There's very little cutsie bullshit human/ape bonding or whimsy - but a much more dark, apocalyptic tone and vicious ape carnage. Nothing real bloody or anything - cuz we're talking PG-13, obviously - but I'm not about to complain about hordes of angry monkeys on horseback, firing machine guns.

Typically, big action flicks really aren't my 'thing', but I'll hand it to "Dawn of the Planet of the Apes" for keeping it serious, dark and fast-paced. Notable CG effects for the most part and no 'comic relief' bullshit. For a much more "mainstream" film, I gotta say it's an entertaining flick.

Aftershock (2012, Nicolás López)

It seems these days Eli Roth is doing anything to stay afloat in the rough sea of relevancy. Being a one-trick-pony known for just a few directorial morsels of unabridged mediocrity, rapidly fading into the ether of nearly a decade long time period, he's decided to upgrade his onscreen presence from meer cameo annoyances to leading man status. So he produced and co-wrote a low budget disaster movie that spotlights his cringe-inducing acting "talents", as well as all of the irritating earmarks that comprise his lackluster style.

Some obnoxious douchebag friends are partying in Chile when an earthquake hits and a tsunami is said to be coming. So a bunch of people are crushed by debris and the group of friends have to navigate through a city consumed by chaos after the prison collapses, freeing a bunch of dangerous inmates.

At a certain point, the movie just becomes an awkwardly paced encounter with a bunch of escaped convicts. I just never really got the feeling that it was leading up to anything interesting or important. It all just seemed incredibly contrived and forced. Big earthquake, tsunami, savage inmate opportunists, dead babies. Just whatever it takes to get some semblance of a screenplay together - no matter how ridiculous it seems. And give us a good 35 minutes of partying before jumping ass-first into this arbitrary series of implausable events. Is that Disney Channel's Selena Gomez? Awesome cameo. Couldn't get the Biebs on set? Dammit, Roth! You almost had a MOVIE, here!

Needless to say, "Aftershock" blows. Shitty writing. Shitty twist ending. Shitty CGI effects. Just shit. The only enjoyable thing was Eli Roth is seen NOT talking about "Hostel" for once. You gotta see it to believe it.

Dead Sushi (2012, Noboru Iguchi)

The new-wave of Japanese splatter is really going down the tubes lately. It's been a while since I've checked out one of these, but it doesn't seem like that long ago that I actually enjoyed some of these types of flicks, such as "Machine Girl", the ever-so epic "Tokyo Gore Police", and I even remember kinda liking "Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl" a little bit. I'm not really sure what's going on in the world of mainstream Japanese cinema these days, but their sense of humor and overuse of CGI has reached an all-time pinnacle of shittiness with garbage like "Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead", "Big Tits Zombie" and this hunk of fecal waste, "Dead Sushi".

Basically, a young aspiring female sushi chef is berated by her master sushi chef father for being a girl and sucking at the art of rolling the perfect sushi. So, she runs away and finds a waitressing job at an inn where a former scientist seeks revenge on the evil business men guests who fired him years ago for coming up with a serum that brings dead animals back to life, only vicious. This entails bringing tuna to life as flying man-eaters to quench his thirst for vengeance. Yeah, I know...

I don't think I'll have to convince many of you that this shit gets old very fast. "Dead Sushi" is a class-A example of Japan trying to be Troma and failing miserably. Not that Troma doesn't fail miserably in countless instances. Call me crazy, but I find nothing funny about sushi monsters or rice spitting zombies. Especially for 90 goddamned minutes! This was a terrible idea for a movie and the gag wears thin painfully fast. What saved movies like "Machine Girl" and "Tokyo Gore Police" - aside from the fact that those weren't non-stop fart joke-laden, infantile comedies - was the over-the-top, wall-to-wall gore and fairly impressive use of practical effects. This shit just worked better when they mixed in some cyber-punk elements. These zany zom-coms just aren't cutting the mustard. "Dead Sushi" is shockingly light on gore and the CGI blood spray and... flying sushi rolls (I'm so annoyed by that concept) is fucking embarrassing. The movie lacks style, charm, direction and any enjoyment factor. It's a total and complete mess and I'm pronouncing the new-wave of J-splatter officially dead. RIP.