Daydream (1981, Tetsuji Takechi)

 

 

Finding it hard to come up with the proper words to assess a film like "Daydream". It's really a strange medley of genre's, ranging from pinku-eiga, to 'arthouse' surrealism, to hardcore porn, as well as containing some more familiar horror elements. The plot really jumps around crazily and my version didn't come with any English subs, although the dialog is pretty minimal so I didn't have to struggle too bad with figuring out what was going on...

A young man and woman - both strangers - go into a dentist's office together. He passes out due to the anesthesia and has a series of bizarre and perverse dreams involving the chick being pursued and sexually brutalized by the dentist, who happens to be a vampire.

The sleaze-factor is pretty steadfast here and occasionally entertaining. When this chick gets naked, she STAYS naked - getting hog-tied and beaten, going through a soapy car wash, sneaking out of a hotel lobby and trying to run up the "down" side of a department store escalator to escape the rapey Japanese equivalent to Dracula. All nekkid! Good shit. There's also quite a few 'hardcore' scenes thrown into the mix, which was nice change-of-pace considering Japan is and was (especially back in "the day") very strict on uncensored sex. However, most of these segments weren't very arousing...

"Day Dream" isn't anything spectacular - just sort of a sleazy hodgepodge of artful porn and pinku influence with a erotic vampire annexation for good measure. At the very least, it's an interesting 'arthouse' flick with some decent production value and plenty of weirdness. Worth a look for fans of Jap-smut.

Ecstasy in Entropy (1999, Nick Zedd)

I don't really get what the fuck "Ecstasy in Entropy" was all about, but it was kinda trashy and short so I didn't mind it all that much...

A bunch of chunky, huge-titted strippers are doin' their thing around the club, serving drinks and shaking their shit. Few of 'em start fighting for some reason. Lots of close-up titty action. Then they start blowing some of the guys and one of the broads gets a ridiculously long, fake cum-shot. They then shift gears to a voice-over monolog in which some Soviet-sounding whores yap about over-throwing the government and some other such shit. After that, it wraps up with a big-boned bitch being attacked by another leather clad chick who strips fatty's clothes off so fatty starts pummeling her attacker with her giant tits...

Up until that last "scene", the film is shot in grainy black and white over some moody music - very 'noirish' as well as reminding me a bit of a Russ Meyer film or something. "Ecstasy in Entropy" doesn't make much sense, but it's full of naked sluts dancing around so I'd say it's mildly enjoyable 'transgressive' cinema, at the very least...

Human Pork Chop (2001, Benny Chan Chi Shun)

"Human Pork Chop" is a very bleak depiction of an actual crime committed in the late 90s, dubbed "The Hello Kitty Murder", in which a 23 year-old Hong Kong woman was kidnapped by three men and tortured in an apartment over the course of a month before dying.

The film delineates the spree of her on-going abuse though daily beatings, humiliations and other kinds of physical torment - involving burning her with melted plastic, stuffing her in the refrigerator and forcing her to eat shit out of a clogged toilet... They eventually killed her (allegedly, since a potential drug overdose was not completely ruled out... ), dismembered her body, ate some of it and threw the rest in the garbage. Her skull was later found hidden in a large Hello Kitty doll...

The violence is pretty constant and the look of the film is wonderfully FILTHY and unpleasant. Not one of the most "disturbing" CATIII flicks out there, though it stays pretty consistent in it's savage, grimy tone - even throwing in a gratuitous canine shellacking. Good stuff. Those into good CATIII mayhem should check this out.

Affliction (1996, Mark Hejnar)

 

"Affliction" is basically a 45-minute assemblage of highly entertaining depravity from an assortment of colorful, whacked out personalities. You got the underground comic book illustrator Mike Diana - first cartoonist convicted and jailed on obscenity charges. He downs a table spoon of Ipecac syrup to induce vomiting on a Bible, a crucifix and a small American flag. He returns later with a crucifix up his ass while masturbating. There's also some sideshow-type of performer named Turbo Tom who shoves needles through his flesh, fucks his eye up with scissors, pounds nails in his face etc. The great GG Allin is shown in some rare footage of post-show antics which include giving some whore a ketchup enema before eating the defecated anal squirts off a platter of french fries. Some home-video of a true nutjob named Full Force Frank, wearing aviator shades and ski mask, waving guns around and expressing his desire to become a mass murderer. Porn star, Annie Sprinkle, is seen briefly blowing a bunch of dildos. There's also some weird and nasty in between material - mostly garage band-sounding music on top of clips of hardcore porn, genital piercing/mutilation and other bugged out shit...

Those who aren't into the more "extreme" forms of film might want to steer clear of this "mix" of Mondo-esque sickness. Recommended.

The Last House on the Left (1972, Wes Craven)

If I had to retrace my sleaze-cinema fanaticism steps, I'd safely say that "The Last House on the Left" was my introduction to the "rougher" side of horror/exploitation. I saw this film when I was in my very early teens and, because it had been built up so much as being the be-all-end-all of 'ultra-violent' motion pictures for me, based on what people had told me and all the reviews I now regret reading at the time, I was a bit let down. I was a dumb kid who was intent on destroying every last trace of my innocence with whacked out films and I take full responsibility for softening the blow for myself with "Last House" with all the research and hype I exposed myself to. Live and learn, bitch.

That being said, I've watched "Last House" every once so often throughout the years and, while I certainly admire what Wes Craven and Sean Cunningham did for 'exploitation' cinema - I still have my problems with the film.

For those unaware of the premise: Two 17 year-old girls are on their way to a concert and decide to hit up a burn-out, street urchin-looking motherfucker for some "good grass". He takes them up to the apartment where his convict father, Krug and his escaped accomplices are holed up. They rough the girls up, throw 'em in the trunk and eventually the car breaks down in the woods where they decide to hang out and degrade, cut up, rape and murder the girls for the sheer hell of it. Krug and the gang then come a'knocking on a nearby residence that just so happens to belong to the parents of one of the teens they JUST brutalized. Ma and Pa find their little girl's peace sign necklace on one of the creeps, put 2 and 2 together and avenge their daughter...

While I recognize it as an important forerunner in the 'rape/revenge' sub-genre, this wouldn't rank among my top favorites, which undoubtedly annoys a lot of people. Every time I pop this flick in, I'm always exasperated by the deluding and all-to frequent shift in tone throughout the 'harder' scenes. Some may say it was just the "style" Craven was going for with his debut flick, but I feel that breaking up the harsh depictions of humiliation and violence as much as he did - with sweet music-montages of Mari's folks prepping for her birthday party and the two cops trying to bum a ride out in the middle of nowhere - it hurt the impact of some of the "horror". We go from "Piss your pants!" to silly music as Mari's dad keeps tasting the frosting while Mom's decorating the cake. Daaaad! Two stripped girls cowering before a menacing psychopath abruptly switches over to the sheriff throwing down his hat comically while getting flipped off by a carload of hicks driving by. Dammit, Wes Craven! All this pointless disruption has detracted from the amazingly uncomfortable 'effect' these "heavy" scenes COULD have had.

Aside from that, I don't really have much to complain about. I like the look of the film. Very gritty and amateur looking, which really just makes everything all the more realistic and sorrowful at times. The violence is visceral and ugly, namely the disemboweling of Phyllis and Mari's very uncinematic, face-full of drool-rape scene, as well as her tragic demise.

David A. Hess kicked off his iconic acting career, playing Krug and performing the majority of the soundtrack for the film, which is ALL good, though, as I said before, doesn't always jibe so well with the on-screen 'action'. Still, "The Road Leads to Nowhere" is perfect and even the "Baddies Theme" is fine on it's own accord.

I guess, in closing, "The Last House on the Left" holds undeniable significance in the progression of the 'exploitation' genre and got Wes Craven's film-making career off the ground, as well as paving the way for some of my all-time favorite 'rape/revenge' works, such as "I Spit on Your Grave" and "Ms .45". Still, the 'harsher' scenes being interrupted by comedic musical interludes and flagrant slap-stick bothers me every time.

Smash Cut (2009, Lee Gordon Demarbre)

This SHOULD have been fucking awesome! An homage to Herschell Gordon Lewis starring David Hess and a bit of a tongue-n-cheek reference to "A Bucket of Blood". So how did "Smash Cut" turn out to be a erroneously inept failure of staggeringly boring proportions? Well first, a brief run-down of the premise...

Hess plays an indie-horror film director who's growing tired of making cheap, contemptible tax write-offs for an artless production company and wants to make his ultimate cinematic masterpiece. It basically starts when he's driving home with his favorite stripper and they get into a car wreck that kills her. He stores her body in the trunk and the next day realizes that her mangled corpse would make a great prop for his latest film project. So he goes about collecting other body parts for the film by killing off other folks around the company, even siphoning his own blood for the production. All the while, the stripper's sister and an overly cartoony P.I. are searching for her...

The movie fails at doing everything it was obviously attempting, such as being humorous, gory and formulating a distinguished David Hess role. I will say, the guy made the most of what he was given here - what with the complete lack of direction and aimless script. It's just... I don't know what the point was of having him doing yoga in the park... That bothered me. Uck. Porn star-turned mainstream actress Sasha Grey demonstrates a total LACK of on-screen presence and coldly recites her meaningless lines as I just PRAY for someone to slam their cock down her throat to shut her up. Michael Berryman has a few scenes and - I know I'm using the word "pointless" and it's variations ad nauseam, but... that's what he is in this. They put some shitty wig on him and drew on some eyebrows and I think that was suppose to be funny, but it just fucking wasn't. H.G. Lewis also pops up a few times just for the hell of it...

Clearly, "Smash Cut" was meant as a 'nod' to the work of Lewis and to show respect to old-school splatter cinema, but falls completely flat. If I had to pick the worst aspect of this movie, it would have to be the surprising lack of gore. There's some cheap looking severed limbs, but the most you really get is a dumb looking rubber head getting it's eyes poked out. David Hess looks his age here and is TRYING, god bless him, despite this being just a paycheck for him. Avoid "Smash Cut". It's truly fucking miserable.

House on the Edge of the Park (1980, Ruggero Deodato)

"House on the Edge of the Park" is a pretty enjoyable 'rape/revenge' piece and a great example of the awesomeness that is David "The Psycho Rapist" Hess. He certainly carved out a nice little 'niche' back in the glory days of 'exploitation'...

Hess plays a sleazy rapist mechanic who is invited along to a party of rich kids who stopped in to have their car fixed. Shit takes a turn for the worse when Hess gets annoyed by the hot, short-haired cock-tease leading him on constantly, their condescending attitude toward his slightly retarded and sympathetic buddy and the shifty poker game they end up playing. As you would expect, people are tied up, beaten, fucked, cut up and just all-around humiliated by the gleeful creep.

Ruggero Deodato (Cannibal Holocaust, Cut & Run) made an enjoyable 'exploitation' flick here, though I feel it was a little 'light' on the rough stuff when it came to the violence. Still, you get plenty of nudity, razor-on-titty slashing, a bald black chick with surprisingly ample breasts and Hess being a fucking crazed animal with a lust for sadism and sexual torment. He's what carried this flick. Plus, his slow-motion scream at the end when he gets his twig and berries obliterated was priceless!

If you dig the 'rape/revenge' genre than "House on the Edge of the Park" is some necessary viewing, but not the strongest when it comes to the element of 'sleaze'.

Mama (2013, Andres Muschietti)

I wasn't expecting great things from "Mama". The trailer made it look like your run-of-the-mill contemporary horror film about a ghostly, child-snatching 'entity'. That's precisely what it is, despite having heard some positive remarks about it being something different. Nope. Just you're typical, dime-a-dozen supernatural flick...

A guy goes berserk and kills some co-workers, then his wife before hauling his two very young daughters off. While driving fast down a winding, snowy road, he spins out and skids down a hill, wrecking the car. He takes the girls out into the woods where he finds a cabin. Later, just as he's about to do "the unthinkable", something "spooky" pulls him away and he disappears. Cut to five years later and the girls are found still living on their own in the cabin, though at this point they've totally capitulated to animal-like temperaments. Their uncle and his rock musician girlfriend agree to take them in and it soon becomes apparent that the girls weren't alone during their 5 year survival in the woods. The ghost of a woman who leaped off a cliff with her baby years ago has followed them to their new home and she's jealous of their new guardians...

To be fair, "Mama" isn't a BAD flick and certainly not one of the worst of it's kind to come out in recent years - it just so happens to follow that same ol' 'formula' much too closely. A witchy looking, stringy-haired ghost, troubled children in jeopardy, and CGI water stains growing in walls. I feel like I've seen that water stain thing in SO many movies lately! Also, why do ghosts always have to fucking ROAR like Godzilla these days? Seriously, EVERYTHING roars in modern horror films and it's not creepy! Remember how many ghosts in Kubrick's "The Shining" roared? Not a single goddamned one! Enough with the roaring ghosts used to induce bullshit 'jump scares'. It's ridiculous.

Anyway, the ghost woman is completely CGI, though she looks okay sometimes. Other times, she looks completely retarded and too over-the-top 'monstrous'. The storyline was a little on the "bland" side and there were way too many scenes that felt aimless and moved along at a snails pace. The climax was especially drawn out.

Like I said, there are MUCH worse examples of this current "style" of supernatural horror film, but there's just nothing about "Mama" that sets it apart from so many other familiar movies of it's kind. I mean, after some other VERY recent theatrical flicks such as "The Woman in Black" and "Sinister" - also about child-abducting ethereal beings - I'm really getting burned out on this type of shit...

 

Hitch-Hike (1977, Pasquale Festa Campanile)

"Hitch-Hike" is just an awesome David Hess vehicle! Pure 'exploitation' goodness with one of the all time icons of the genre. Just get that hook-nosed mug on film acting like a scummy piece-of-shit rapist dirtbag and I'm ALL IN.

An Italian alcoholic reporter and his discontented wife are driving through the desert with their RV, on their way to California. After some bickering, some fucking and some more bickering, they do the 'good Samaritan' thing by picking up a hitch-hiker who appears to be experiencing car trouble. It doesn't take long for the seemingly innocent passenger to show his true colors and start up with some sexy-talk aimed at the reporter's old lady. Hubby ain't having any of that and kicks Hess' ass a little before getting a gun pulled on him. Their not-so-fun vacation continues on. Hess wants to make it to Mexico with 2 million dollars he got away with after a gas station robbery. Along with way, some cops get capped, some betrayed homosexual comrades show up to settle a score and Hess gets freaky with the beautiful Corinne Clery.

Plenty of twists n' turns, fast pace, Clery getting newd VERY frequently and Hess being a hateable prick. Just an all-around well shot, well acted and very fun flick. My only gripe would be that irritatingly cheezy song that pops up every once in a while. "There's music every where...". Made me wince every time. If you haven't seen "Hitch-Hike" and consider yourself a fan of 'exploit'-cinema, than you are truly missing out.

Body Count (1986, Ruggero Deodato)

Ruggero Deodato - director of the notoriously sleazy and violent jungle-exploit masterpiece "Cannibal Holocaust" - didn't really make the hearty transition into the 80s 'slasher' scene like you'd imagine. "Body Count" is very disappointing.

 

A group of camping young people are picked off by, what is believed to be, an old Indian Shaman type of curse. David Hess pops up here and there as the guy setting up traps around the woods to catch the killer. There's also some shit involving his floosie wife having an affair with the local sheriff, played by Charles Napier...

 

The kill scenes are relatively weak and the rubber-masked killer is forgettable. The movie is just very uninspired and dull looking. Not unwatchable, but if you're looking for 80s slasher flicks, there's plenty more worthwhile options out there. Deodato really phoned this one in, it seemed.

Satan's Baby Doll (1982, Mario Bianchi)

 

Pretty tedious Italian castle-sleaze here. I really feel like I just watched a small fragment of a movie that was obstinately dragged out for WAY too long, as opposed to a sensibly paced piece of genuine cinema...

A girl's mother dies and is stored in the basement dungeon/tomb of the family castle where she starts coming to life off-and-on and possessing people as a means to avenge her death...

My version didn't come with the two 'hardcore' scenes, attainable on the German release, I've heard, which is fine with me cuz I really wouldn't want this flick to be any longer than it has to be. Still, there's a good amount of full-frontal nudity, along with some female masturbation that some perv in a wheelchair is shown peeping in on at one point. Plot wise, "Satan's Baby Doll" is VERY shallow and sluggishly structured with too many fleeting elements that fail to make much sense - such as a mummy coming to life briefly.

I wouldn't say I HATED "Satan's Baby Doll", I was just sort of puzzled and disappointed by how incomplete it felt. Again, no "hardcore" shit on my cut, but I've heard they add nothing to the overall premise, which is usually the case. So I guess it's safe to just chalk this one up to just a pretty LOUSY film, overall...

Gorepump's Sewer of Short Horror #1

 

Figured I'd spotlight a few short horror films I've seen over time in 'mini-review' form. I'll probably end up doing a few of these. It's basically brief thoughts for a range of brief horror works of different budget scopes, countries, decades and sources (DVD, online, screeners, etc.). The only "catch" is that none of them surpass 15 minutes...


Cold Blood (2010)

Well, "Cold Blood" is the kind of thing you commonly expect when watching short horror films online. A woman wakes up in a warehouse and a masked killer walks in. He's wearing - what looks like - a hairless Michael Myers mask and prowls around searching for the hiding woman. While he lurks, a man attacks the masked lunatic from behind and, in turn, has his throat slashed with a box cutter. Not a bad looking effect, to be honest. The killer then bashes the fearful broad from behind and begins to stroke her neck, lovingly. She gains the upper hand and beats him repeatedly before sitting next to him and weeping... Stupid bitch. Why? He gets up and she fires a nailgun into his neck. Follow that up with boat propeller finale... Since you're launched right in, the suspense element doesn't quite work. It's the same as watching a random scene from a slasher film. Well shot, but totally standard stuff.

Directed by: Steve Looker
Runtime: 10 minutes

Kitchen Sink (1989)

 

Quite an aberrant short about a woman who curiously pulls on a strand protruding from her kitchen sink. As the strand gets thicker, a small, lanky creature emerges. It sort of looks like a fetal monkey with polio. The woman drops the seemingly dead thing in the garbage, but regretfully submerges it in running bath water. From there, it grows into a hairy man-beast and shit gets even stranger...

"Kitchen Sink" is a cool David Lynch-inspired film that is pretty dark and creepy. Definitely worth a look.

Directed by: Alison Maclean
Runtime: 14 minutes

 

Zombie Movie (2005)

 

"Zombie Movie" is one of the finest post-apocalyptic zombie comedies I have seen in recent years. It begins with and focuses solely on a group of three New Zealand buddies who are trapped in their car during an undead uprising. Out of food, smokes, and stimulating metal band conversation, the trio start getting nutty before the one noble retard of the gang offers up his body as a last food resort... I could've dealt with a bit of an extended runtime on this one. Seems like a flick that may have held up a bit longer had it maintained some clever dialog. Check this one out.

Directed by: Ben Stenbeck
Runtime: 15 minutes



Blinky™ (2011)

This 12-minute short is fairly amusing. It's set in some futuristic society where seemingly upper-class families are able to purchase robots to help them with household chores. A young boy's constantly bickering parents buy him Blinky, an egg shaped android who likes to play - that is, until the kid gets sick of his new "toy" and fucks with it's artificial intelligence so much that Blinky malfunctions and turns homicidal...

"Blinky™" looks pretty much like a Hollywood movie, in terms of visual quality. The CGI effects are good - kind of Pixar-ish, I would say. The only problem was that the 'payoff' was a bit of a letdown (... though still pretty funny, but mostly implied). You can pull this one up on Youtube and check it out...


Directed by: Ruairi Robinson
Runtime: 12 minutes

The Babysitting (2009)

 

Oh, another fucking babysitter horror flick! Jesus, send more babysitter themed horror films because we clearly don't have enough! Pour 'em on, motherfuckers! Okay, now that I'm through with the sarcasm, I can proceed. "The Babysitting" is SHIT. And yes, it is actually called "The Babysitting". Oooooooooo!! What a spooky title! And original, too! The fucking babysitting! Scary shit!

This Dutch short, directed by Jan Nanne, is about a young broad who goes to babysit a little girl and is chased and apparently killed (in typical "Blair Witch" fashion) by some crazed pint-size in the attic...

Well shot, for the most part, just intent on showing absolutely nothing new. Very cliche build-up and highly predictable ending. It's what shitty short horror tends to be, more so than not...

Directed by: Jan Nanne
Runtime: 10 minutes

The Cat with Hands (2001)

 

"The Cat with Hands" is as cool as you'd expect. A fucking stop-motion animated cat with functioning human hands that is methodically stealing other body parts in order to become human!

It's a really short one which was kind of a shame since it did have a unique ambience, sedulous production value, and very creepy images. The little kid with the death mask looking face was pretty 'tweak' worthy!

Directed by: Robert Morgan
Runtime: 4 minutes




Rubber Johnny (2005)

At this point, I think everyone has seen this one around the web. "Rubber Johnny" is an immensely bugged out short, directed by Chris Cunningham - previously known for his two off-the-wall Aphex Twin music videos "Come to Daddy" and "Windowlicker". Cunningham's work is predominantly notable for his tremendously nightmarish imagery, made effective by considerably mind-blowing practical effects work...

This experimental head-trip begins with a disfigured face, shown through a night-vision viewpoint, muttering inane gibberish while clearly being interviewed. The title "Rubber Johnny" is then seen written on a condom that is shown being pulled off a dick. Florescent lights flicker on and a nude, crippled mutant sits, breathing hard against a wall. Thus begins a wild laser show with a Techno music video format and psychedelic distortion that is both awesome and oddly disturbing...

Cunningham's talent as a visually tentative auteur leaves me wanting more, like, perhaps, feature films as opposed to 5 minute music videos that brand such lucid and interesting images into the viewer's mind. I would love to see what he could do with some kind of involved story to go along with his unique eye for visceral illusions of incredibly macabre nightmares.

Directed by: Chris Cunningham
Runtime: 6 minutes

More to come...

Nightmare City (1980, Umberto Lenzi)

Talk about mixed feelings. I'm still not sure whether I can safely call this a "good" film, despite having enjoyed it somewhat during the bulk. The ending was what killed it for me (and most people, as it seems).

Like a lot of 70s and 80s Italian horror films, "Nightmare City" is about a TV reporter. He and his cameraman see a potential "scoop" when a mysterious, unmarked plane lands on a runway. The military steps in with hopes of defusing any life threatening danger that may lurk within but to no avail. A cluster of raving, zombie-ish killers come piling out of the plane, killing everybody. From this point, the entire city erupts in violence as the seemingly infected go on a stabbing spree throughout the living population.

Everything is all well and good throughout the better part of the film, though the end is what kills it. I hate to spoil it, so I'll beat around the bush: it sucks and doesn't make a lick of sense. It struck me a last ditch effort at cleverness, but failed miserably and makes for a deeply unsatisfying ending.

The majority, however, is fairly entertaining. Lots of pseudo-zombies stabbing... everything. The stabbing count of this movie is off the fucking charts! Not a lot biting. Stabbing is what these mutants prefer. Stabbing. Lots. The make-up effects on the 'zombies' are pretty simple and unremarkable, but that's easy to get over since "Nightmare City" moves along rapidly. It's not riddled with intricate gore effects at all, which is kind of a disappointment, but there's enough blood to get you through.

In all, I'm a huge fan of Italian horror, but I've never really found Umberto Lenzi's films to really shine in comparison to other notable genius film makers in this sub-genre. I'm a Fulci guy, all the way. Lenzi's other films (that I've seen), such as "Orgasmo", "Eaten Alive!" and "Cannibal Ferox" where not all that spectacular to me, though I can still sit through them with a moderate sense of enjoyment. "Nightmare City" is just okay, as a film. They should have nixed that ending for something better, but what're ya gonna do?

Doghouse (2009, Jake West)

Out of the few Jake West directed films I have randomly watched over time, my favorite would have to be "Easter Bunny, Kill! Kill!" due to it's incredibly grim and non-PC subject matter. His earlier film "Razor Blade Smile" was a total piece of shit so at the time I recently watched "Doghouse" he was 1 for 2. So how did "Doghouse" stack up?

A group of mid-20s buddies meet up for a trip to a small village where they plan on "drinking until they cannot speak before passing out in the woods". It immediately establishes it's "hook" which happens to be misogyny as all of the guys are in relationships with incredibly bitchy women (save for the one guy who is gay). Upon their arrival, they find the entirely village is desolate. Turns out, there was some kind of top secret experiment gone wrong that resulted in all of the women becoming zombified man-hating cannibals. From then on, the movie goes into zombie-fighting mode...

"Doghouse" ain't a BAD flick - though it just really falls along the lines of your typical zombie-comedy. I'm really tired of these types of movies that begin with pointless introductory freeze-frames of each main character (i.e. the "Feast" movies). As soon as I saw this, I realized what the entire movie was going to be and this was within the first 10 seconds. The humor in the film isn't especially stand-out, but rather just occasionally amusing. At one point, a few of the guys decide to blend in with the onslaught of female zombies by dressing in drag... It's a pretty expected bit, obviously lifted from "Shaun of the Dead". There's a little bit of entertaining zombie splatter - but, again, it's just another modern zom-com, not unlike every other one you've seen in recent years. Also, the explanation behind the failed experiment was only touched upon briefly and didn't make much sense - as did the dolphin sonar button that apparently emits a sound that only women can hear. Again, "Doghouse" is only just a mildly amusing misogynist zombie flick.

100 Tears (2007, Marcus Koch)

While it's not the worst of it's kind I've ever seen, "100 Tears" isn't anything 'special' when it comes to ultra-independent splatter flicks. One thing I've always had trouble understanding is the thought process behind making a DIY horror film along exorbitantly cliche lines when you obviously have all the creative freedom in the world at your very finger tips. Unfortunately, where this movie excelled and took it's chances in the gore department, it concurrently slacked off when it came to 'plot' and originality...

A couple of tabloid reporters agree to stray from their faux-news bullshit and delve into a serious story for once by investigating a series of murders in the area, carried out by a former carnival clown with a huge meat cleaver. He starts off by slaughtering the residents of a halfway house, then proceeds to reunite with his psychotic daughter as the reporters seek the word of a carny dwarf who supplies the back story.

One thing "100 Tears" had going for it were the copiously over-the-top gore effects. Plenty of bloody dismemberments, decapitations, sprawled entrails, etc. Problem was, everything else revolving AROUND the death scenes was sloppy and slow moving. Plus, the whole 'climax' seemed pressed and enormously confused. Again, it's not the worst micro-budget slasher ever and the gore is piled on nicely, but it's pretty dull otherwise...

The Head Mistress (1968, Byron Mabe)

This is a prime example of truly boring 'sexploitation'. "The Head Mistress" is an ultra-soft-core T&A flick with THE most repetitive string of "softie" sex scenes with absolutely NO plot. Sounds like a treat, if only satisfying hardcore shit wasn't ALSO at my disposal.

At some private school for privileged girls who are constantly topless, a new gardener is hired whose main motive is fucking the promiscuous broads. The lesbian head mistress doesn't want some dude boning her students since she takes pleasure in fornicating with her nubile selection of females, herself. The gardener makes his way through each girl before the head mistress finds out and relays an incredibly tedious and nonsensical back story involving her boyfriend being decapitated by her two jealous male friends...

Not much else to say about this one. I love vintage erotica that falls along the "roughie" -type standards. "The Head Mistress" is very "light" and forgettable old sleaze. One to skip.

Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013, John Luessenhop)

 

 

So, yeah. Went and checked out "Texas Chainsaw 3D" because, despite the fact that horror has pretty much died and when it comes to more streamline, mainstream horror, which is almost completely non-existent these days, I like to randomly check it's 'pulse' from time to time. Which means, once in a while something obviously stupid will be flung into theaters for a wide release - like a bloated, terminally ill pig from Hollywood arching it's back and launching a mess of projectile diarrhea directly into your eyes - and I'll sit through it. Gotta keep up on the big studio drek to some degree...

Obviously, and to the confusion and dismay of many people - die-hard "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" fans and more casual movie-goers alike - an official remake of Tobe Hooper's '74 ground-breaker had come out back in '03, as well as a follow-up 'prequel' ("Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning"), so when word got out about this film, I think everyone pretty much took a moment to grimace and then accept that ANY stupid thing is possible when it comes to mainstream horror these days. This one doesn't tie in to either of the Platinum Dunes TCM movies. What it's basically trying to be is a direct follow-up to the original - which has been done in the past, bringing us the monumental failure, "Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation". I'd say "TCM 3D" and "TNG" are on an even keel of shittiness. I honestly can't decide which of these is worse. They're equal, as far as I'm concerned. So all this 3D version really feels like is the '03 remake, but minus R. Lee Ermey's fairly entertainingly sadistic Sheriff Hoyt character.

The film starts off with scenes from Hooper's classic - pretty much all the death scenes transferred to 3D and with slightly more disgusting sound effects thrown in - namely during the portion of Franklin's death that is featured. Then it appears to pick up soon after Sally hops in the back of her getaway pick-up truck and the local Sheriff and an angry mob of backwoods hicks show up and get into a deadly shootout with the Sawyer clan. They chuck some Molotov cocktails into the house and burn it to the ground, assuming they've killed every one of it's inhabitants. Years later - a commonly attractive girl, her black boyfriend (Yay for political correctness reamed down your throat!), slutty friend and slutty friend's new dullard boyfriend who is seriously just in the movie to take up on-screen space - drive out to her dead Grandma's mansion that she just learned she has inherited. They pick up a typically studdly hitch-hiker along the way (he's not straight-razor, headcheese-obsessed, batshit crazy. Just a dick). They arrive and the place turns out to be pretty fancy so they take off into town and the hitch-hiker offers to stay behind and clean up, though his plan turns out to be more along the lines of 'steal everything' and split. Turns out, Leatherface is living down in a little room, right off of the basement wine cellar. Hitch-hiker unlocks the door, releasing him...

Chainsaws, hammers, hooks, hatchets... Everything you'd really expect is used to butcher these kids and a few other unfortunate assholes. That's all well and good. Whatever. The tone of the film is FAR from "creepy", disturbing or unsettling, but you get the necessary dose of chainsaw gore which is fine (though "TCM: The Beginning" was FAR more brutal and nihilistic and actually better than this). However, everything else AROUND the chainsaw gore I found to be fucking idiotic. First of all, during the opening shootout we are reintroduced to the "family", which has inexplicably taken on about 4 new members, including a woman and a baby which was a bit confusing. Why include these new people? They just end up getting killed off instantly. Also, right off the bat, we get a few cameos: Gunnar Hansen pops up for the sake of a cameo and John Dugan returns as Grandpa. Blink and you'll fucking miss him! Oh, and Marilyn Burns appears at the tail end.

Leatherface looked alright, I guess. Not as lumbering as he was in the Platinum Dunes films which was a mild improvement and the Larry Fine skin mask looked decent. However, he conveys very un-Leatherface types of behavior and ability at times, such as pushing over vans with his bare hands and running through a small town carnival full of people, wielding a saw. This was absolutely ludicrous! Then, they had to incorporate some shit about the female lead being related to him, which leads up to one of the lamest, most disgustingly incongruous endings imaginable for a "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" film...

If you ask me, I wish they would've just skipped out on the whole opening shootout scene and made a more 'direct' follow-up to the original film. Not that I feel it would've had potential for greatness or anything - since it's ALWAYS been abundantly clear that Tobe Hooper's film cannot be matched, much less surpassed - though I feel it would've been, at least, tolerable. In the beginning they have Bill Moseley in the role of Drayton Sawyer who I though fit in pretty well as that character and they even recreated Leatherface's "pretty woman mask" for the opening scene, as well as the house from the first film and I found it interesting. If they would've stuck with that, it could've been somewhat enjoyable. Instead, we've got Leatherface squaring off and getting his ass handed to him by a small town mayor. Uck! It's probably worth mentioning at this point that "Texas Chainsaw 3D" was written by Adam Marcus who did another shitty movie that relied on references and gimmicks over a decently constructed screenplay called "Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday". Seeing his name in the opening credits of a horror movie is like spotting a dick bulge in the panties of a hooker you've JUST handed the money too.

Overall, if you were repulsed by Platinum Dunes' monetizing molestation of a beloved horror classic, than you can only expect "Texas Chainsaw 3D" to take that nefarious denigrating to the next level. If there's one thing TCM shouldn't be, it's a big-budget, 3D gimmick. As for as the positives: like I said, Leatherface looked good, some of the gore was passable, some of it was unintentionally funny and I appreciated the cameos. Negatives: ending with a sympathetic representation of Leatherface, shitty house, no other Sawyer family members and overly complex "bloodline" bullshit, tying the main protagonist in with Leatherface. I'll just say, if you LOVE the 1974 original like I do than "Texas Chainsaw 3D" is about as shitty as you'd expect.

Eugenie De Sade (1974, Jess Franco)

Like I've stated in a few past reviews for his films, I am nowhere near a Jess Franco expert, but I would safely say that "Eugenie De Sade" is the finest I've seen from the Spanish film-maker's extensive body of work. This would rank high on the rather diminutive list of Franco-directed 'exploit' films I've seen - right up there with "Sadomania".

A beautiful young girl who was raised by her erotic literature-enthusiast stepdad begins blossoming into a VERY horny young woman. She dips into Daddy's sex-books and keeps offering him up less-than-subtle hints that she wants to fuck until he finally decides to acknowledge her flirtatious advances. Thing is, he's got OTHER ideas pertaining to the sexual growth and exploration of his horned up young stepdaughter... Such as killing naked broads. So that's what they do. First, with a model who's willing to play along with a sadistic-themed photo shoot, then a lascivious blond hitch-hiker... Shit gets ugly when they decide to lure a male trumpet player to his demise and the stepdaughter falls in the love with him - thus, enraging Daddy...

First off, out of all the other films Franco made with Soledad Miranda back in 1970, "Eugenie De Sade" is, by far, the best. Much less vapid than "She Killed in Ecstasy" and "Vampiros Lesbos", if you ask me. This one moves along at a nice pace, the characters are pretty well defined and, of course, copious amounts nudity! The lovely Soledad Miranda sheds her threads in nearly every scene - bearing that massive thicket of 70s bush and even engaging in a nice little striptease at one point. I guess my only complaint would be in the death scenes. There are only a few, but they're exceptionally weak - most notably, the chick suffocating under a thin handkerchief. That was just dumb. If you dig Jess Franco's 'erotic' brand of film, than I'd definitely recommend checking out "Eugenie".

Sweet Movie (1974, Dusan Makavejev)

 

It's hard to sum up my sentiments when dealing with avant-garde material of this particularly mystifying stature. "Sweet Movie" is a boggling perlustration into many taboo's and fetishistic perversions, all thrown together with no real 'narrative'.

What basically happens is: a woman wins a televised 'virgin contest' by having the best looking hymen which leads her to marry an obnoxious tycoon with a golden cock that she doesn't like, as it turns out. Divorcing him doesn't seem to be an option so some insanely muscular black guy carries her into a milk bottle-shaped tower where, I assumed, he lived. She jerks him off and he stuffs her into a suitcase and she's shipped out where she meets up with a Mexican singer who gets his dick stuck in her. With the help of a restaurant kitchen staff, they are separated, one thing leads to another, and she finds herself amidst a clan of disgusting whackjobs who enjoy chopping up fake dicks, being treated like babies and puking at the dinner table... among other things. The film closes out with the woman stripping down, being coated in chocolate and rolling around, seductively...

Yeah, I don't know what the fuck was going on, but I'm usually attracted to this type of deviant, bizarre, "arthouse" -style shit. The movie is packed with strange and repulsive stuff that may bother some casual viewers - such as piss and scat related material and ambivalent pedophilia. Overall, "Sweet Movie" is a tough one for me to express an opinion toward, due to the completely anarchistic, non-linear structure and balls-out weirdness that derails any coherent 'plot' that could've taken place. If you're into Alejandro Jodorowsky's or Pier Paolo Pasolini's films, than this might interest you.

Fertilize the Blaspheming Bombshell (1990, Jeff Hathcock)

 

I don't really know what to say about this one. It's just a fucking boring-as-Hell mess that I guess was going for some kinda Satanic-cult premise. Fuck, "Fertilize the Blaspheming Bombshell" is about as generic as they come...

An engaged young couple, on their way to Vegas, fall into the clutches of a gang of hooded Satanists while getting lost in the desert. The woman's sister finds out where they might've been and drives down to investigate. While on their trail, she meets up with a somewhat helpful pump-jockey/love interest and a barely helpful small town sheriff who she's trying to convince of devil-worshippers inhabiting an uncharted town somewhere in the desert. She has a fairly sexy shower scene and gets into a drawn out car-on-dune buggy chase with some Satanists. Then, the movie eventually ends abruptly...

This is a seriously forgettable movie. There's really not that much else to say. They waste a lot of time with bullshit, then when she's finally face-to-face with the cult leader, she escapes and runs around in her panties for a the rest of the movie as hooded goons chase her. No real "pay off" or anything of interest here. It's just a total poorly-acted, bloodless snooze-fest.

Live Freaky Die Freaky (2006, John Roecker)

As flat out retarded as this is, I certainly got a mild kick out of it. Thankfully, my sense of humor is not adverse to constant dick jokes, especially when I'm in an alcohol laden state-of-mind.

"Live Freaky Die Freaky" goes over the Manson family murders, as acted out by puppets manipulated by poor stop-motion animation...

It's ungodly ridiculous, but very amusing at times. You get heaps of dialog involving cocks, gay sex, and retards. There's pregnant coke snorting, a severed head blowing his own severed penis, a musical number about strangling trees, etc, etc... I'd recommend poppin' this one in during your next party or beer swillin' event. Watching it alone is kind of a waste of time.

Fatty Drives the Bus (1999, Mick Napier)

 

So I had a few Troma cheapies laying around for a long while and just recently decided to spend a drunken Friday night seeing if I had been neglecting any potential "gems". The first foray of the evening was "Fatty Drives the Bus", which I think I had purchased amongst a rather large order of DVDs for just under a dollar. I regret every measly cent of what I spent on this shit-heap.

Satan isn't making his 'soul quota' for the month because Christ is in town, so he decides to disguise himself as a Chicago tour bus guide and trick a bunch of schmucks into signing over their souls before crashing the bus, killing them all...

I was expecting more of a horror-comedy with this one. I wasn't expecting anything great, but a dumb, Troma-released horror-comedy at the very least. It isn't. There isn't any evidence of the horror genre in this film. Not only that - but the comedy element is absolutely retarded. They were trying to go for that absurd, "no rules" type of humor that they knew Troma fans would eat right up. That type of satirical, dimwitted comedy is okay with me in some cases, but here... it's completely redundant and laid on WAY too thick. It's basically just random, go-nowhere scenes featuring a busload of "wacky" characters such as a couple of country brothers who are intimidated by the "big city", a guy dressed as a woman who thinks he's a "hot broad" (if Troma releases it, there MUST be cross-dressing), a suicidal scientist, a stereotypical married tourist couple and a snooty rich couple. None of them - not ONE - is amusing in the slightest! The only benefit you'd get from watching "Fatty Drives the Bus" is that it acts as more of a genuine tour-film of Chicago than anything else. They film a lot of it on location in front of various Chicago landmarks. Otherwise, it's totally pointless. The ending is a ridiculously intentional cop-out that, again, just goes to show that the idiots behind this were trying to be "outrageous" and "clever" and "anti-film" assholes, but failed miserably. Plus, why the fuck does the title of the movie put ANY emphasis on the bus driver? He's barely in the movie and plays NO significant part in any of it! Satan is the tour-guide, NOT the driver.

I don't care how much of a Troma fan you are, you'll hate this fucking movie. I promise.

The Embryo Hunts in Secret (1966, Kôji Wakamatsu)

It's certainly surprising, even by Japanese standards, that a film of this high sleaze-caliber came out of the mid-60s. I mean, as you could imagine, "The Embryo Hunts in Secret" is a bit 'mild' as far the pinku genre goes, conisdering the way it evolved throughout the 70s and continues on to this day, but it can't be denied that "Embryo" was positively ahead of it's time.

The plot is pretty simple: the manager of a department store is out on a date with a female employee and takes her back to his apartment where he goes into a woman-hating frenzy - tying her up, whipping her relentlessly and rambling on about how she's nothing but a dog and he intends to 'train' her as such.

That's basically the movie. There's a few scattered flashbacks to a married couple - who I assume were the sicko's parents - and we get a little insight into Daddy's frustration over Mommy's want for a child after Dad gets "snipped". She goes behind his back and gets inseminated and he apparently didn't like that so much - hence the beatings. I guess that ties into the main story somehow, since our whip-slinging male lead enjoys dishing out much similar punishments on a particular helpless woman. The film is very well shot with a very artistic flair in the cinematography and creative editing that pops up here n' there. Again, you gotta appreciate "The Embryo Hunts in Secret" as a 'leading-edge' forerunner of "rough", bondage-oriented Jap-sleaze that would become very prevalent in the following decade.

If you're interested in tracing the origins of Japanese 'exploitation', somewhat, than I must recommend checking out "The Embryo Hunts in Secret".

Funeral Home (1980, William Fruet)

 

This is one of the more 'tame' slasher films of the 80s. Nothing really NEW in terms of the ol' formula, though "Funeral Home" just skimps on the bloodshed and 'beeewbs'.

A teenage girl visits her grandma to help her turn her grandparent's old funeral home into a tourist bed and breakfast spot. The girl starts hearing granny mysteriously conversing with an unknown person in the basement and hears a few tidbits of how much of a sadistic prick her (supposedly) dead grandpa used to be. Of course, guests of their home begin disappearing and/or turning up dead and a local cop is trying to crack the case...

"Funeral Home" was one of those slasher films that I just never bothered to see, even in my adolescent years when I couldn't get enough of these types of body count flicks. During that time I may have enjoyed this one a bit more, but at this juncture in my film viewing, I just can't really get into these types of bloodless types of slashers. I will say, however, that this one has an alright mood at times and the pacing is decent. The ending REALLY was a "Psycho" knock-off, in the truest sense. Slasher completists may need to check out "Funeral Home", but don't expect a total GEM...

Serial Rapist (1978, Kôji Wakamatsu)

Without a doubt, "Serial Rapist" is one of the most violent, to-the-point 'violent-pink' works ever made. It's exactly what the title suggests and, fuck, this movie is a bleak and rapey good time!

A chubby kid in overalls, riding a shitty bicycle, pedals around looking for women to rape and murder. Many of whom, he finds making out with boyfriends or just wandering alone. He seems to enjoy shooting them in the vag immediately after railing them... At one point, he even rapes and then kidnaps a female cop and keeps her in the little shack where he lives...

The film pretty much follows that general idea, throughout. It's basic, but it's done effectively. The rape and murder scenes are ugly and brutal and the nameless rapist character is efficaciously disconsolate and helplessly psychotic. The use of airplane noises and saxophone music during the 'harder' scenes add an interesting element to the uncompromisingly nihilistic tone of the film. Highly, highly recommended!

Salon Kitty (1976, Tinto Brass)

 

"Salon Kitty" is based on an up-scale brothel by that name, located in Berlin during WWII that was taken over by SS intelligence for the purpose of gaining secretly disclosed information from clients. They rigged the place with hidden microphones and a set up a recording room tucked away in the back. They forced a bunch of Berlin whores to act as agents and coerce secrets from the horny elite that strolled in there for a 'good time'. This movie takes a 70s 'sexploitation' look at this historical flimflam of sexual/political manipulation.

First and foremost - I must say, I was a bit taken aback by the anomalous way in which this Tinto Brass ("Caligula") 'nazisploit' representation halted a formidable exhibition of high-octane sleaze after a mere 30 minutes or so for some pretty upfront drama. For fuck's sake, I was tantalized relentlessly during the first act of this movie with wall-to-wall gratuity and bizarro-smut, such as a Nazi youth orgy, a hunchback midget sucking a girls tits, a legless guy getting his amputated cock-stump rode by some slut...

Not to say the movie completely loses sight of it's filth-factor all together, but it definitely weakens a bit once Madame Kitty is commanded to close up shop and that hooker/soldier love story kicks in. I always welcome good storyline - even in the midst of, what is looking to be, quality sleaze - and I wouldn't say that this film failed in terms of it's general plot, though it IS quite disjointed, dull and really drags the whole middle section of the film down.

Still, like I said, "Salon Kitty" certainly dishes out some rather "classic" moments, like a fat man projecting film-reel images of a Hitler speech against one of the prostitutes while he makes her hold a dick-shaped pastry between her legs so he can suck on it crazily before she goes ape-shit for some reason. There's also a few strange musical numbers thrown in, all of which star Kitty except for one which is a ridiculously long dance done by some queers flashing their cocks from under the dresses they're happily wearing... This scene is, like, WAY too fucking long.

So overall, "Salon Kitty" is a little chinsy with the "fucked uppedness" once you get to a certain point much too early on, but it's still a decent film. Just don't be expecting "Ilsa: She-Wolf of the SS" or "Last Orgy of the Third Reich" -type shit. This one is a little more 'dramatic' but should quench your need for nutty, sex-filled material.