Obviously, and to the confusion and dismay of many people - die-hard "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" fans and more casual movie-goers alike - an official remake of Tobe Hooper's '74 ground-breaker had come out back in '03, as well as a follow-up 'prequel' ("Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning"), so when word got out about this film, I think everyone pretty much took a moment to grimace and then accept that ANY stupid thing is possible when it comes to mainstream horror these days. This one doesn't tie in to either of the Platinum Dunes TCM movies. What it's basically trying to be is a direct follow-up to the original - which has been done in the past, bringing us the monumental failure, "Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation". I'd say "TCM 3D" and "TNG" are on an even keel of shittiness. I honestly can't decide which of these is worse. They're equal, as far as I'm concerned. So all this 3D version really feels like is the '03 remake, but minus R. Lee Ermey's fairly entertainingly sadistic Sheriff Hoyt character.
The film starts off with scenes from Hooper's classic - pretty much all the death scenes transferred to 3D and with slightly more disgusting sound effects thrown in - namely during the portion of Franklin's death that is featured. Then it appears to pick up soon after Sally hops in the back of her getaway pick-up truck and the local Sheriff and an angry mob of backwoods hicks show up and get into a deadly shootout with the Sawyer clan. They chuck some Molotov cocktails into the house and burn it to the ground, assuming they've killed every one of it's inhabitants. Years later - a commonly attractive girl, her black boyfriend (Yay for political correctness reamed down your throat!), slutty friend and slutty friend's new dullard boyfriend who is seriously just in the movie to take up on-screen space - drive out to her dead Grandma's mansion that she just learned she has inherited. They pick up a typically studdly hitch-hiker along the way (he's not straight-razor, headcheese-obsessed, batshit crazy. Just a dick). They arrive and the place turns out to be pretty fancy so they take off into town and the hitch-hiker offers to stay behind and clean up, though his plan turns out to be more along the lines of 'steal everything' and split. Turns out, Leatherface is living down in a little room, right off of the basement wine cellar. Hitch-hiker unlocks the door, releasing him...
Chainsaws, hammers, hooks, hatchets... Everything you'd really expect is used to butcher these kids and a few other unfortunate assholes. That's all well and good. Whatever. The tone of the film is FAR from "creepy", disturbing or unsettling, but you get the necessary dose of chainsaw gore which is fine (though "TCM: The Beginning" was FAR more brutal and nihilistic and actually better than this). However, everything else AROUND the chainsaw gore I found to be fucking idiotic. First of all, during the opening shootout we are reintroduced to the "family", which has inexplicably taken on about 4 new members, including a woman and a baby which was a bit confusing. Why include these new people? They just end up getting killed off instantly. Also, right off the bat, we get a few cameos: Gunnar Hansen pops up for the sake of a cameo and John Dugan returns as Grandpa. Blink and you'll fucking miss him! Oh, and Marilyn Burns appears at the tail end.
Leatherface looked alright, I guess. Not as lumbering as he was in the Platinum Dunes films which was a mild improvement and the Larry Fine skin mask looked decent. However, he conveys very un-Leatherface types of behavior and ability at times, such as pushing over vans with his bare hands and running through a small town carnival full of people, wielding a saw. This was absolutely ludicrous! Then, they had to incorporate some shit about the female lead being related to him, which leads up to one of the lamest, most disgustingly incongruous endings imaginable for a "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" film...
If you ask me, I wish they would've just skipped out on the whole opening shootout scene and made a more 'direct' follow-up to the original film. Not that I feel it would've had potential for greatness or anything - since it's ALWAYS been abundantly clear that Tobe Hooper's film cannot be matched, much less surpassed - though I feel it would've been, at least, tolerable. In the beginning they have Bill Moseley in the role of Drayton Sawyer who I though fit in pretty well as that character and they even recreated Leatherface's "pretty woman mask" for the opening scene, as well as the house from the first film and I found it interesting. If they would've stuck with that, it could've been somewhat enjoyable. Instead, we've got Leatherface squaring off and getting his ass handed to him by a small town mayor. Uck! It's probably worth mentioning at this point that "Texas Chainsaw 3D" was written by Adam Marcus who did another shitty movie that relied on references and gimmicks over a decently constructed screenplay called "Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday". Seeing his name in the opening credits of a horror movie is like spotting a dick bulge in the panties of a hooker you've JUST handed the money too.
Overall, if you were repulsed by Platinum Dunes' monetizing molestation of a beloved horror classic, than you can only expect "Texas Chainsaw 3D" to take that nefarious denigrating to the next level. If there's one thing TCM shouldn't be, it's a big-budget, 3D gimmick. As for as the positives: like I said, Leatherface looked good, some of the gore was passable, some of it was unintentionally funny and I appreciated the cameos. Negatives: ending with a sympathetic representation of Leatherface, shitty house, no other Sawyer family members and overly complex "bloodline" bullshit, tying the main protagonist in with Leatherface. I'll just say, if you LOVE the 1974 original like I do than "Texas Chainsaw 3D" is about as shitty as you'd expect.
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