A Serbian Film (2010, Srdjan Spasojevic)

Like many, I had heard a lot about this flick prior to it's DVD release - including some of the many "taboo" and "shocking" things that were featured in it. Needless to say, my curiosity peaked and I finally checked it out a few weeks ago. Here is the inexplicably late review...

"A Serbian Film" definitely lived up to the hype, cramming in as many outrageously vile acts of sexual violence and controversial themes as it could, while managing to work within the confines of a decent plot. A retired male porn actor, Milos - now living comfortably with his wife and young child - is offered a new "adult" film gig being directed by an eccentric new "arthouse" pornographer who is desperately trying to bring something 'new' to the industry. Milos is given no info on what he will be doing in the film - only vague instructions through an earpiece as he quickly discovers that this is not like the run-of-the-mill films he had worked on in the past. Here, he is forced to perform violence laden sex acts at shady locations in front of children. That is only the beginning... The director wants his candid style of porn to exceed the bounds of "mainstream" fetishism by including torture and murder into the game-plan.

I feel that's all that really needs to be said about the general plot line. From what I have heard from others, "A Serbain Film" is a movie that many understandably find hard to stomach. Not sure what that says about me, since I didn't see the film as 'disgraceful' by my own standards, yet it DOES certainly cross a line. I mean, if other hardcore horror/sleaze sickos are loosing their shit over this thing and turning it off, there's definitely something to be said about my own sense of morality since I actually enjoyed and appreciated it for the most part. The storyline itself was good, but nothing all that astounding, in my opinion. The acting was solid, however, and deeply effective at times. There were a few nice twists and turns, which were nice to see in a flick that will undoubtedly be known specifically for a number of ghastly scenes that, I could definitely see, taking top bill over the story. Of course, the scene depicting a newborn baby being raped is the stand-out moment that will, no doubt, secure this movie a legacy for quite some time. Yes, it is a gruesome and heavily sinister concept ever-so brazenly featured in an unflinching and graphic context on film. Other notable moments of brutality include necrophilia, a woman's bloody, toothless mouth being fucked until she suffocates, and numerous references and renderings of pedophilia...

Obviouisly, "A Serbian Film" is not for all tastes, but those interested in such films that push the limits of decency should check it out.

Evil Dead (2013, Fede Alvarez)

Like all of these horror remakes, I really didn't give a shit about seeing "Evil Dead" '13, though I'm still adamant about keeping an open mind at this point since there is no fighting the eminence of this type of bullshit. I'm pretty much numb to it at this point like everyone else should be and I'll usually end up checking out the remake eventually, but I'm typically not running to a theater on opening day. As far as this one went - I heard of the extensive gore content (BETTER fucking be! It's Evil Dead!) that tempted the dreaded NC-17 prior to it's release (probably a bullshit marketing gimmick to rope in gore hounds...). Was also hearing early on that the movie consisted of all practical effects. No CGI. After watching film, I see that I was misled on that. So I picked up a copy to give it a shot...

Well, unlike the original, it ain't party time at this rustic little cabin in the woods. They're actually detoxing the one dude's sister who's gotten a bit outta control on the dope. One of them - who kinda looked like Kurt Cobain with out-of-date glasses - comes across a book... THE book and goes about yapping the spell that unleashes the malevolent entities in the forest. As expected, all hell breaks loose...

To be honest, I was pretty much all in with this once I shook off the disappointment of the CGI fire within the first 5 minutes. Apparently, only MOST of the effects were practical. Oh well... My bad, I guess.The gory action gets going and stays pretty constant, although not really reaching that no-holds-barred craziness of the original. Still, there's some decent bodily mutilation going on here with syringes, retractable blades, nail guns, chainsaws, etc. They didn't really play with those tense 'lows' that Raimi's did with shit like the giggling girlfriend and the crap in the basement coming alive, which really added to the suspense and astringent, insanity-inducing seclusion. My major gripe, however, was the formulaic, lone female survivor ending, that modern horror is obsessed with resorting to, whether it makes sense or not. With this, they clearly made a last ditch ruling and frantically kill off this version's Ash (though, I'll say, he wasn't nearly as effective) and resurrect the junkie who carries out a wildly implausible ending (yeah, I'm referring to the super human-like removal of an appendage, specifically). I know that modern mainstream horror film makers are compelled to promote feminism at any cost, but can't just ONE sneak by just for the sake of contrast? Eh...

"Evil Dead" '13 is a fine gore flick. Not one of those frustratingly shitty remakes, but still won't 'blow your mind'.

Lucky (2004, Steve Cuden)

Been revisiting some straight-to-DVD, video store shelf-fillers from the early-to-mid 2000's lately for some reason. There was quite a few I recall being pretty decent, but, from the looks of it... those days long gone... Anyways, "Lucky" was another random rental I picked up from some big chain about 10 years ago after having picked over the horror archives and because I didn't give two fucks about shit like "The Notebook", which I'm sure they had 800 copies of.

A lonely, balding, alcoholic cartoon writer hits a little Chihuahua-ish breed of dog on his way back from a beer run one night. He takes the little guy home and attempts to nurse him back to health while continuing to struggle through writer's block as he contemplates his entire existence through bleak, yet humorous voice-over narration. When it appears that the dog - ironically named Lucky - has died, the guy digs him a little backyard grave, but to his surprise, Lucky springs to life and begins communicating telepathically with the miserable writer and starts helping him get his failing writing career back on track with a new cartoon script. Things start looking up for him when he meets the woman of his dreams (or perverse fantasies) and starts selling quality scripts around town. Unfortunately for him, Lucky's work ethic gets in the way of his master's personal life and bodies start piling up...

"Lucky" isn't anything phenomenal, but it's definitely a fun way to kill and hour and half. There's some pretty funny bits of jet black humor and goofy dialog. Plus, toward the third act it get's into the topic of necrophilia and S&M pretty heavy which was kinda awesome. And it's always nice to find a micro-budget horror film that manages to compensate for it's lack of high-end production value with a skillful proficiency such as this. "Lucky" never really feels as cheap as I'm sure it was due to some fairly competent film making. Check it out.

Dead End (2003, Jean-Baptiste Andrea / Fabrice Canepa)

There was definitely some straight-to-video gems scattered throughout your local video stores back in the early-to-mid 2000s. I just remember actually looking forward to taking a chance when I wandered into one of those joints and perused the unfamiliar horror titles you'd find buried amidst 400 copies of "Lord of the Rings" or whatever. "Dead End" was one I rented about 10 years ago and had enjoyed immensely, though I guess I'd forgotten about it until recently when I actually went about finally picking up a copy. This is strange, cool and often humorous flick.

A family (parents, smartassy teenage son, older daughter and her boyfriend) are on a backwoods road trip to a relative's house for Christmas. Their squabbling suffused night time car ride is eventually interrupted by a hot blond woman in a white gown, holding a baby, who appears to be injured and in need of help. While the family splits up at a secluded stop, the daughter's boyfriend disappears (along with the Lady in White) momentarily, before being spotted in the back of a vintage black hearse and THEN turning up mutilated in the road. From there, their endless trip through the forest continues to escalate into a bizarre nightmare that seems to result in a mysterious fatality whenever they happen to get out of the car...

All the performances are strong, the tension is pretty high and there's a nice bit of humor tossed in that doesn't take away from the story which I was grateful for. Definitely a strange and nightmarish concept involving a never ending stretch of road, laced with dangerous anomalies and with a decent 'twist' ending that's a little predictable but still works very well, I thought. Not very liberal in the gore department, as most of the kills and aftermath are pretty much implied, but that's also forgivable considering the film's refreshing originality. "Dead End" is what I would surely consider a 'hidden gem' among the genre.

Defenceless: A Blood Symphony (2004, Mark Savage)

If you're looking for some sleazy 'exploitation' revenge cinema of an exceedingly offbeat distinction, than I'd say "Defenceless: A Blood Symphony" is a sufficient sampling, if there ever was one. It's a strange blend of rape/revenge and 'art film'.

Apparently, there's this gang of corporate land developers who were hoping to erect some kind of hotel within the vicinity of a family's home. It doesn't appear that the husband and wife were too willing to sign over the deed so shit gets ugly and the developers kill the husband. After that, they target wifey's lesbian lover - afterwards, sending her a snuff film and severed head. Next, she is raped and brutalized and so is her young son. After nine months, her body washes up on the beach and is, somehow, resurrected as some kind of hobbling, vengeance-fueled cannibal that sleeps under water. She ends up exacting revenge against the scummy goons that killed her family, who have seemingly moved onto violent child porn...

Like I said, "Defenceless" is an odd take on the 'rape/revenge' film. Completely dialog-free and going the total slow-burn route until the last 20 minutes or so when we get to some nicely bloody torture/murder scenes. There's a nice amount of vaginal mutilation and two exceptionally gruesome scenes of crude penis removal. So you end up getting a suitable amount of bloodshed, but, as a whole, I found "Defenceless" to be a very well made film with a pretty strong performance from the female lead and some beautiful cinematography. The entire movie seemed to have a peculiarly calming and serene element, helped along by the odd transformation of the main character and, of course, the classical score that accompanied a large portion of the film. Some parts were a little TOO drawn out and slow, I thought, but for the most part this tone worked well. So, if you happen to dig 'exploitation'-art films with sleaze AND some aesthetic substance, than you gotta check out this Australian delight.

All the Devil's Aliens (2013, Daniel E. Falicki)

I must say, "All the Devil's Aliens" was almost a decent flick from Chemical Burn. Almost. And if you are unfamiliar with CB, than you must know that it is very out of the ordinary for one of their releases to contain one iota of cinematic competency.

This one involves a male nurse whose new job has him sent out into the woods to look after a mysterious, sickly, agoraphobic old man who is known for being rather unpleasant. Once he gets there, he's greeted by the frazzled and weeping former care provider who utters some over-the-top foreboding words before driving off, as well as the current nurse who starts showing him the ropes, but not allowing him into the old man's room. Still, he gets to hear the old fucker's endless bitching and cruel insults through the baby monitor in the kitchen. Shit starts getting strange when the newbie nurse keeps noticing dark figures scampering around the woods surrounding the house and when his partner goes missing later that night, he's forced to confront the old man which is when the movie takes a drastically bizarre turn...

The whole first act of the film is very slow-paced and drawn out - pretty much just two people yapping in a kitchen, though, while taking far too long and being relatively dull, this sets an interesting and somewhat 'mystifying' tone. Then, once the old man is revealed and some glowing-eyed aliens start turning up, I was starting to perk up a little bit, though I still had no idea what the fuck was going on. Finally, it looked like a semi-climactic ending was in sight but, then... it kept going. And started getting stupid and even MORE convoluted as more explaination was attempted, to the point where I had to just give up, sit back and wait for this thing to clumsily come to a conclusion.

So, "All the Devil's Aliens" had, what could have been, an interesting premise, but was just a bumbling, disjointed, directionless mess overall. Hell, the acting and production value was surprisingly good for a Chemical Burn flick, I noticed - as opposed to the usual micro-budget, SOV horse shit they seem so infatuated with. I only wish this one hadn't dropped the ball and went on too long with incomprehensibly silly "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" and muppet-corpse ballroom dancing ridiculousness.

Conjoined (2013, Joe Grisaffi)

"Conjoined"is a pretty enjoyable horror-comedy that I ended up digging a lot more than I expected. It starts off with this straitlaced nerdy guy who hooks up with a hot chick over the internet who he talks into moving in with him. Upon finally meeting her face to face, he is shocked to find out that she is connected at the hip to her siamese twin sister. As you would assume, shit starts getting awkward when sis starts feeling left out of the romance that she is forced to witness going on with her sibling and her new man, so they decide to set her up on a few dates. Turns out, the bitchy and sarcastic 'third wheel' REALLY doesn't like men too much which is evident when the bodies of potential suitors start piling up...

It's not a great flick, but I found it to be a fun watch. Some of the dialog was kinda funny, plus there was a few scenes of decent gore - namely a cock being chomped and spit across a room. It moves along at a brisk pace, has a quirky... almost sitcom-ish vibe, as well, and offers up some goofy entertainment.

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Neon Maniacs (1986, Joseph Mangine)

"Neon Maniacs" is exemplary 80s horror garbage. Plain and simple. Heavy emphasis on both of those words...

A gang of murderous mutants living in the Golden Gate Bridge come out at night and kill partying high school kids around San Francisco. One girl survives and the maniacs end up coming after her after she enlists the help of a few nerdy classmates - including a mousy, monster-obsessed chick who constantly wore a over-size, sideways baseball cap that had me trembling with annoyance. Some shit goes down involving some cops getting murdered and there's a big subway train chase and a Halloween dance where things pretty much come to a head.

The effects are cheezy at hell, but still pretty cool. All of the maniacs have a different "theme" - archer, axe wielder, electric gimp (?), gay cop, farmer, Indian, surgeon... They're given basically NO back story or motive so you can rest assured that "Neon Maniacs" comes absolutely plotless! Also, there's an abundance of terrible 80s rock band performances that eat up a big chunk of the third act. That shit always fucked up 80s horror films, but it always makes me laugh. That's all this flick can really offer you: laughs. It's shitty, but pretty damn entertaining and fast-paced. Not a lot of gore and it's light on nudity, though it's worth checking out for the goofy make-up effects and total schlock-factor.

Friday the 13th VI: Jason Lives (1986, Tom McLoughlin)

Six is a good one. Paramount wised up after "A New Beginning" and decided to throw Jason back into the mix and the body count reaches new heights, to say the least. Also, they went and brought back the summer camp setting - complete with children this time! They didn't go the full mile and slaughter any of 'em, but I guess you can't have EVERYTHING.

Tommy Jarvis is out of the nuthouse and, despite being a whole new actor, is still desperate to dispose of the EVIL that is Jason Voorhees once and for all. So he and his whimpery buddy dig up J-Vo's grave and just before they're able to throw the gasoline on the maggot-filled lummox, a lightning strike resurrects the murderer, Frankenstein-style. At least Tommy had enough sense to bring the hockey mask along with him... You know, to burn that too. From there, it's pretty much your standard "Friday the 13th" formula. Jason leaving a trail of bodies in his wake as he makes his way to the camp grounds to kill off those pesky counselors.

The few notable kills include the triple beheading of a group of paintball playing yuppies (in one clean swipe of the blade!), a chick getting her head twisted off (not all that gory but still quite nice), and the whole mobile home fiasco which is certainly the standout scene. Other than that, "Friday 6" doesn't do much "new" with the franchise, but just offered up the return of Jason after copycat horse shit from "part 5".

Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (1985, Danny Steinmann)

Then, along came "part 5" a.ka. "A New Beginning" - the one many people consider the 'black sheep' of the series, sort of along the lines of "Halloween 3: Season of the Witch". Slasher rule #435: When you have established a particularly enterprising character, such as Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees and you decide to reroute a promising franchise at it's peak, most fans are going to disapprove - i.e. "Friday 5". Yes - Jason is dead for the WHOLE movie. Fake Jason steps in fix the problem that involves a house full of young adults NOT dying...

Tommy Jarvis - now a grown man and different actor - is sent off to a little cabin retreat for troubled individuals... and one mouthy black kid whose grandpa is the chef. Then they all start getting murdered. Didn't mean to spoil that part for ya.

I don't think 5 is quite as 'upsetting' as most people make it out to be. I mean, it's got a pretty massive body count! Many characters are introduced JUST to get killed off two minutes after you first see them - such as the mustached groover and the trashy diner waitress, as well as the guy cleaning the shit out of the chicken coops. Oh, and who could forget the massively useless appearance of a Jheri curled Michael Jackson impersonator getting impaled in the outhouse? "Oooo Baby. Oooo Baby." Why?? He had NO purpose! Everyone remembers the blonde chick's SA-WEET techno- dance moves, right? I think I had an 80s-gasm whilst viewing that scene.

Overall, "A New Beginning" gets a bad rap for the big end reveal that Jason was, in fact, NOT the killer. I will, however, say that "part 5" is nowhere near the best of the franchise and would probably fall in at 2nd worst, but you can still have fun with this one.

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984, Joseph Zito)

"The Final Chapter" marks the introduction of Tommy Jarvis, who would go on to be one of the main focal points of the next two sequels. So, I guess this was suppose to be the last one, though - goddammit! They just kept making money! Yeah, this one would've worked just fine as the final installment since they came up with one of the most spectacular Jason deaths and closed out with a freaky Cory Feldman glare.

Premise: more drunk kids. Then they die.

I don't mind "part 4". It's not my favorite, but it's got it's moments - like Crispen Glover's wacky dance. That was alright. Some tits here n' there and the fat banana eating hitch-hiker hippie getting knifed from behind. The banana-squeeze made the entire scene hilarious. On that note, 4 could've used a few more 'inventive' kill scenes, especially since they got Tom Savini back for effects. Even after seeing the death scenes uncut, I wasn't all that impressed. The doctor getting his neck hacksawed then his head twisted was BY FAR the standout demise (other than Jason's). That's about all I got on this one...

The Rapist (1994, Chuen-Yee Cha)

I think the primary focus of this one goes without saying. This 'category III' flick isn't called "The Rapist" because it's a family friendly rom-com or some kind of art film... This is an unapologetically misogynistic Hong Kong 'shocker' that dishes out some savage fuckin' rape.

Plot is pretty thin: guy runs around at night, attacking women in the elevator of an apartment complex and usually raping them violently in a nearby stairwell. There's some detectives who are exuberantly attempting to track him down...

Most of the rape scenes are harsh and brutal - namely the one involving a 50-year old woman. "The Rapist" keeps things pretty grim and serious - nixing much of the customary humor that most CATIII films of this nature tend to use. Aside from the Jenga scene, of course, which was actually pretty funny to me. Overall, it's worth a look for fans of more "extreme" cinema. The 'casual' film fan will surely be appalled by "The Rapist" which... is understandable, I'd say. It gets a little slow in spots, but it's a worthy piece of CATIII sleaze.

Friday the 13th: Part 3 (1982, Steve Miner)

Ah, "part 3" in eye-popping 3D! Even when watching this one again without the 3D capability, I still managed to enjoy the continual attempts to affix the "Friday the 13th" experience with distended murder implements and body parts. Eye-popping!

The third film in the vast Jason Voorhees chronicle finds yet another assemblage of kids on their way to a farm to do some sexin', some druggin', and some dyin'. The kids in this one are the most mismatched yet. Somehow, a jock piled his pregnant girlfriend and chubby, prankster faggot roommate into a van with a couple of stoner hippies who look like they could be these kids' parents. I assume the hippies were invited along on their trip because they can ONLY be the main weed source since they are constantly smoking, yet hardly anyone else smokes any weed once they get to the farmhouse and the hippie couple don't even hang out with the rest of the group at all! Plus, why would you invite along the fat loser? Is his bottomless trunk of joke props and incessant self-loathing typically the life of the party? Easily one of the most annoying characters in horror history. Him and his jew-fro should've been drowned at birth. I digress...

Pretty much everyone knows this is the one where Jason acquires his hockey mask from the fat nerd. Wow. He was good for ONE thing and there are a few decent kills to be had. The chick in the hammock with the Fango mag was good and very reminiscent of the Kevin Bacon murder from the first film. The best kill was definitely the hand-stand guy getting power-chopped upside down from balls to neck! Good shit! The showdown in the barn toward the end between J-man and the survivor girl was pretty cool, as well. Gotta love that OTHER throwback to the original when Mrs. Voorhees launches from the depths in her sweater, oozing worms from her rotted skull. Classic. "Part 3" is damn entertaining.

Friday the 13th: Part 2 (1981, Steve Miner)

The second chapter in the "Friday" saga is probably my favorite among the sequels. I know most people consider either 4 or 6 to be the more noteworthy of "Friday" follow-ups, but "part 2" just has more shit I just find memorable.

As you can imagine, they didn't stray far from the overall concept seen in the original - camp counselors meet up at their site to get ready for the lil' campers. Only this time, we've got more sitting ducks to kill off, including the typical skinny prankster asshole, a guy in a wheelchair, and one of the FINEST asses to ever come out of the 80s cut-off denim mold! Watch how that pebble just bounces off it! And you briefly see a black guy during the campfire scene, who mysteriously vanishes without a trace and never even gets a line. Weird. And, of course, now that Pam Voorhees was done in by Alice - who certainly doesn't live here anymore after getting icepicked early on - baby boy Jason steps in to mow these punks down - dressed exactly like the killer from "The Town That Dreaded Sundown". Not very creative, but it was only for one movie, so...

The death scenes are occasionally cool. I'll just get it out of the way: the fucking cripple toppling limply down the stairs after getting his face machete-slammed! I don't recall another "Friday" death scene requiring more rewinds in my life! Everything about that demise is perfect - from the priceless groan Crippy lets out, to the fact that the chair makes it ALMOST down the entire stairs without falling over! I only wished they hadn't freeze-framed and cut away so I could be sure that Mr. Handicapable made it all the way down. Anyways, enough on that.

"Friday the 13th: Part 2" goes great with the first one, plus it just feels like the "purest" sequel to me. No gimmicks or bullshit, just a continuation of the original.

Friday the 13th (1980, Sean S. Cunningham)

I'll be honest - I was never initially going to review this one. I mean, why? All I could really do is spout the same ol' shit about it being a "classic" and one of the main forerunners of the slasher genre, etc... I don't feel I have anything new to contribute the 'fanboy' allegiance that "Friday the 13th" continues to implore to this day, but I just so happened to re-watch this recently and waves of nostalgia pounded me into a schmaltzy time-and-place from my horror-addled childhood. What was cool about Blockbuster back in my prepubescent years of gore-craving was that the VHS cases behind the 'official' covers simply had the Blockbuster logo on them, so when mommy wasn't looking, I was able to pull some slight-of-hand, Houdini shit and swap out "Bambi" or some such horse shit for something along the lines of "Friday the 13th". Oh, memories!

Of course, "Halloween" was the one to make a shit load of mainstream dollars off of the idea of a masked killer hacking up teenage brats in the throes of hanky-panky, but "Friday the 13th" was the one to really hone the concept and bring it home. Whereas, right off the bat you knew that Michael Myers was grown up, freshly escaped, and ultimately murderous - "Friday" leaves you more in the dark as to what the hell his going on. All of this shit is explained early on about a retarded camper drowning in the lake and a so-called "curse" surrounding Camp Crystal Lake, then these counselors start turning up murdered. It's not until Betsy Palmer comes waltzing up in her comfy looking sweater that shit starts piecing together. I'm not here to do a side-by-side comparison, but if I had to pick I'd go with "Halloween" as the better movie - what with the famous score and just overall suspense - though who would've expected someone like Mrs. Palmer turning out be a psychotic serial killer? It's still fucking weird to me!

As far as the gore and body count go - this one's undeniably 'tame' by today's standards and the kills in this one hardly compare to the extensive corpse pile-up that came with each consecutive sequel. Still, you get a handful of creative deaths. Kevin Bacon's speared throat is a fan-favorite, though I personally thought the axe-treatment inflicted on the frizzy-haired panty-girl was especially vicious looking. Of course, much of this shit got chopped due to fear of the dreaded X-rating and this shit got even worse as the sequels went on!.

The big climax of the film, in which mushroom-haired, plain-Jane strip-Monopoly champ Alice dukes it out with Pamela Voorhees is certainly one of the best chick fights in film history. That old bitch was tough! And ya can't forget the goddamn canoe jolt that still cannot be topped! Fucking roaring, potato-head tard-freak Jason exploding out of the water in slow-motion rules!

So I'll just wrap up by saying that "Friday the 13th" is nowhere NEAR the best among the slasher category, nor was it all that innovative if you ask me (considering all of the Italian stuff before it). It DID, however, jump-start the American appreciation for this type of film and sparked a profusion of this highly marketable mirth that definitely remained popular throughout the 80s, yet still hangs in there to this day.

The Underground Banker (1994, Bosco Lam)

Very entertaining, off-the-wall CATIII revenge flick about a truck driver who is finally able to move his family out of the slums and into a more upscale apartment complex. Unfortunately for him, his wife runs into an old boyfriend who convinces her to play in the stock market, causing her to lose a shitload of their cash. So before hubby finds out, she is urged to see a loan shark for some financial relief. Turns out, this guy is a notoriously sadistic, two-timing, interest-soaking madman who takes drastic and deadly measures to ensure he is indemnified. So wifey can't seem to pay her debt and is forced into prostitution where she ends up banging one of her husband's friends, get's her sister-in-law abducted and almost raped, her husband is forced to get involved and is humiliated and beaten, and, eventually, shit turns REALLY tragic for the seemingly hopeless family which ignites a fiery need for vengeance against the crooked loan operation...

"The Underground Banker" is one of those odd blends of comedy and heart-rending catastrophe. The kinda thing that HK films of this kind did so perfectly. One second you've got some pretty over-the-top goofiness, then the next, a child is burned beyond recognition and struggling to be strong for his daddy. Yeesh! All this mixed with hot sex scenes, firm titties and kung-fu. Damn you, 'category III'! You're confusing my feelings and I love you for it! Oh, and there's also a character in reference to "Dr. Lamb" who assists in the big revenge-fueled climax. Check this one out. One of the funnest CATIII flicks I've seen in a long time!

Diary of a Serial Killer (1995, Otto Chan)

I might have to turn in my CATIII card for saying this, but I wasn't all that impressed with "Diary of a Serial Killer". At least, not as much as some of my fellow reviewers who consider it one of the 'greats' of the genre.

A family man with a ravenous sex addiction starts getting his felonious freak on with the wonderful hookers of Hong Kong after his wife fails to please him with her cooking oil tug-job. Shit gets kinda crazy when he starts torturing and murdering whores and storing them into the sealed of loft in his home, unbeknownst to his wife and small child. One day, his wife decides they're taking in a young woman who is trying to track down her boyfriend who left on business on never returned and some sexual tension is sparked between her and her new sadistic landlord... Also, like most CATIII films, the majority of the movie is told, via flashbacks...

There's a decent amount of violence and general sleaze on tap with this one, so there's no way to call it BAD. Still, it just struck me as poorly paced and seemed like it started to struggle around the middle and throughout the end. I found myself getting kinda bored around this point, whereas the beginning kicked things off with a bang. Literally! Toward the start, the guy wedges an M-80 into a chick's twat and lights it! Good shit! Then, throughout the movie there's quite a bit of necrophilia, tit and vag cutting, steamy sex scenes. Still, something about the pacing just made it feel overly long and like it lost it's footing as it started closing in on the third act.

That said, lovers of CATIII 'shockers' should seek this one out. It's been called the HK equivalent to "Maniac", which I wouldn't disagree with, though I also can't say it's on a even keel with that film. Plus, there's a neat little reoccurring reference to Ed Gein that shows up here n' there. So yeah, it started losing me after a while and I wouldn't call "Diary of a Serial Killer" the best 'category III" film by any stretch, but die-hards should probably check it out.

Dr. Lamb (1992, Danny Lee & Billy Tang)

Good 'category III' serial killer flick. Sort of in the vein of "The Untold Story", but not as awesome - "Dr. Lamb" is a compelling and reasonably nasty film.

A taxi driver is taken into custody after picking up some suspicious photos of dead women from the developing place. From the get-go, he's adamant that he's innocent and was simply picking the photos up for someone else. The cops get his family involved, drag everyone down to the police station, and begin to ruthlessly beat a confession out of their main suspect. Then, when his sister starts relaying some past perversions she experienced as a kid and it is revealed that he took sexually explicit pictures of his niece, the truth starts to come out...

The crimes depicted in the film are based closely off of the real life killer, Lam Kor-wan, who killed four women in the late 70s-early 80s. He was dubbed "The Jars Murderer" due to his obsession with removing the breasts and sexual organs of his victims and storing them in containers. He would also engage in necrophilia and take photos and home-video of them in various forms of dismemberment.

"Dr. Lamb" is a well done film. Strong performances and some fairly graphic scenes of necrophilia and circular saw dismembering. Again, not as strong as "The Untold Story", "Daughter of Darkness" or "Ebola Syndrome", but still a worthy CATIII entry.

Red to Kill (1994, Billy Tang)

Gotta love this rapey CATIII gem! Definitely in my top 3 favorite fucked up Hong Kong flicks of all time.

After her father is killed in an accident, a mentally retarded girl is brought to a Sheltered Workshop/Hotel for the mentally disabled. Turns out, one of the guys who works there moonlights as a serial rapist/killer, targeting women who wear red. According to a flashback, his mother was a bit of a whore who fucked around on his dad, which resulted in a deadly altercation between his ol' man and mommy's affaire. And his mom wore red, which obviously planted the seed of female-generated hate into his psychotic mind. So when one thing leads to another and he catches a glimpse of the new girl's red panties, he brutally rapes her, but lets her live - resulting in a big court case. Because the courts apparently don't take the word of mentally handicapped victims seriously, Mr. Rapist gets off scot-free which doesn't sit too well with the girl's social worker who plots to deck herself out in all red and flirt with the deranged lunatic. Things kinda don't go too well and we're treated to one hell of an awesome climax...

"Red to Kill" is a pretty phenomenal shocker that incorporates both 'exploitation' and heartbreaking drama very well together. To be honest, the impact of the character's emotions and struggles really outweigh the 'exploitation' factor which I would say is a good thing, despite many people labeling the film as just "violent" and "sadistic". The scene with the mentally retarded girl sobbing in the shower after her rape, while shaving her pubes off until she bleeds is an especially powerful moment. Also, the guy who plays the rapist is, without a doubt, one of the all-time BEST psychopaths in the history of cinema. Especially during the big ending when he's bald and wearing wrestling tights. He's just a spastic, bulky, sweaty, screaming nutjob.

If you're looking for top-quality CATIII awesomeness, you can't go wrong with "Red to Kill".

The Video Diary of Ricardo Lopez (2000, Sami Saif)

This is some pretty fascinating shit. Like most people who often seek out flagrant forms of 'shock material' on the internet, I had come across "The Björk Stalker Suicide Video" online a while back. Knowing nothing about it at the time, the video depicts a fat bag of shit, naked, with his face painted up, rambling on about Björk angrily before shooting himself in the mouth to one of her songs. The video is very non-graphic - containing no blood or brain matter until after homeboy has collapsed out of frame, which is when you can hear his skull emptying out onto the floor. It wasn't until I saw "The Video Diary of Ricardo Lopez" recently that it was all put into some kind of perspective.

Ricardo Lopez was a 21-year old exterminator from Florida who started video recording himself in his shithole apartment as he spouted off about his obsession with the singer, Björk. Apparently, R-Lo was none-to-happy with his beloved Björk marrying a negro so, like an evil mastermind (or full-blown retard), he began constructing an acid bomb hidden in a book that he intended on mailing to her.

As the videos continue - taken from about 20 hours of footage that the detached lardass had shot explaining his life and hatred, yet LOVE, for Björk - we see as he gradually becomes more and more mentally unhinged as his sulfuric acid package nears completion. He explains his intentions of suicide immediately following the shipping of the package, how he quit his job and stopped paying his bills, how his family became increasingly more worried about him and actually made him see a shrink on a few occasions. Finally, he gets his idiotic parcel done, loads his gun and heads to the post office and the whole thing apparently goes off without a hitch. The film ends just shy of his suicide...

This is definitely a candid and 100% authentic look into a deteriorating psyche, buckling from insurmountable depression, paranoia, sexual frustration and delusions. Ricardo Lopez was an extremely pathetic and isolated individual who succumbed to his feelings of utter hopelessness and self-loathing and, like quite a few of these guys, wanted to take someone with him and 'make his mark'. It didn't pan out all that well for him, seeing as how his months of handy work was intercepted in London and never got to Björk. Tough luck there, Ricky.

Un Chien Andalou (1929, Luis Buñuel)

What we have here is a textbook example of "the art film" in all of it's mystifyingly unintelligible glory. From the looks of it, "Un Chien Andalou" - aka. "An Andalusian Dog" - is about a guy who wipes out on his bicycle outside of a chick's apartment building. She takes him in and he stares at a cluster of ants crawling on his hand. They then watch out the window as some dykey haired woman (could've been a little boy, maybe) pokes at a severed hand with a stick in the middle of the road while a crowd is gathered around her. A cop puts the hand in a box and the woman (or little boy) is struck by a car. Back in the apartment, the dude gets a little rapey, chases the chick around and gropes her tits until, all of a sudden, he is tied to two pianos with two dead mules laying on top of them. Then, the woman disappears and the guy dukes it out with another guy until one of them gets gunned down by some dual-pistol action...

Just weirdness. Bizarre 'arthouse' shit from the silent age of cinema, which is kinda interesting, seeing as how it's a little sleazy (by 1929 standards) and, of course, for the notorious razor blade eyeball slicing scene. There's really not a whole lot of straight-up entertainment value one could derive from "An Andalusian Dog" unless they're a major film school art-fag creep. For the average cinephile, however, it's short and worth checking out just for the sake of saying you did. And Salvador Dali is in it briefly.

Pig (1998, Nico B. & Rozz Williams)

"Pig" is a brooding, gothic experimental "arthouse" flick co-directed by and starring deathrock vocalist Rozz Williams. This film came out about a year after Williams committed suicide and, from the looks of it, this might've been more-or-less a personal "home movie" displaying some of his personal fetishist kinks...

The premise is slim, but it involves a killer who picks up some guy wandering through the desert with a completely bandaged face. The two drive to a secluded, rundown house where the gauze-wrapped dude is subjected to various forms of torture and body modification rituals taken from some evil looking book. The guy has blood (or some kind of dark liquid which was a little hard to identify due to the black-and-white film) funneled into his mouth, the word "pig" carved into his chest, some blood catheterized from his cock, his nipples pierced, etc. Then, there's some weird, surreal shots involving sign language and more gauze wrapping and then the movie wraps up.

I'm not really sure how to rate something like "Pig". It's basically just a series of masochistic acts shown over gloomy, ambient sounds. Nothing all that "shocking" or memorable about it and I guess I'm too unfamiliar with Rozz Williams to really understand any real meaning behind any of it. Still, it's a fairly interesting oddball film.

Gorepump's Sewer of Short Horror #3

Once again, a collection of 'mini reviews' for a selection of short horror films I have seen. Brief reviews for brief flicks that do not exceed 15 minutes cuz that's how I roll. There's some good shit here and some shitty shit. You can find most of - if not ALL of these online - so enjoy!

Fist of Jesus (2012)

If you've seen the short film "Brutal Relax", well "Fist of Jesus" is very much in the same vein. Top notch short zombie splatter comedy - coming in at 15 minutes and making each second count. The first few minutes is Christ talking to his disciples when Jacob runs up saying that his son Lazarus has died. Jesus isn't willing to accept this and wants to prove his godly powers by reviving the distraught man's son which kinda backfires and sparks a undead uprising. Zombie Romans, Pharisean zombies and... of course... zombie cowboys! And a big-ass bloodbath ensues, prompting Jesus and Judas to save the day by fighting back with... what else? Fish.

This thing is a well shot Spanish joint. The effects are an enjoyable combination of practical with moderate CGI gore and it's over-the-fuckin-top! Like, "Dead Alive"-esque. And it's goofy as all hell. Speaking as someone who has grown exhausted by the zombie genre over the past few years, "Fist of Jesus" is what I personally want in a zombie flick. Short, to-the-point, gory as fuck and just the right level of tongue-in-cheek. Recommended.

Directed by: Adrián Cardona, David Muñoz
Runtime: 15 minutes

Tufty (2009)

This was a peculiar blend of ridiculously silly and oddly harrowing. "Tufty" is an Irish short that answers the age-old question: where do teddy bears come from? Well, apparently there's a forest in which teddy bear families live peacefully until their dwelling is one day invaded by a hunter who chases them down, puts a bullet in 'em and takes 'em to a professional who removes their organs and replaces them with stuffing so they can be sent off to toy stores.

Yeah, it's a silly concept but the unexpectedly serious tone works well and makes "Tufty" all the more amusing. Also, the puppetry is pretty damn good.

Directed by: Brendan Butler, Jason Butler
Runtime: 8 minutes

The Big Shave (1967)

One of the earliest works from Martin Scorsese. It's an okay little flick showing a guy shaving his face until his face and torso is streaked in blood flow. By the end, he pretty much severes his jugular veins with the razor while a jazz number plays throughout all of the "action".

"The Big Shave" is fine. Clearly a little experiment from Scorsese from way back in the day. I guess there's some timely Vietnam War symbolism behind it, but I'm just basing my opinion on the film at total face value. True film snobs will probably adore this.

Directed by: Martin Scorsese
Runtime: 6 minutes

Tub (2010)

Here's a strange one. Once again, another flick with a silly premise that doesn't play it for laughs to the degree that you would expect.

Plot here: A guy can't seem to get any from his old lady so he jerks off in the shower, thus... impregnating his bathtub.

The pacing is good, the effects are enjoyably nasty here and there and the concept had some promise. However, "Tub" was still pretty boring and it just felt too flat and conventional to me. It reminded me of the Alison Maclean short "The Kitchen Sink" - another short in which a drain births a surreal being. I dunno, "Tub" just didn't do much for me.

Directed by: Bobby Miller
Runtime: 12 minutes

Unlocking Charlie (2011)

Charlie is an agoraphobic shut-in who has a serious crush on the neighbor girl. She seems pretty 'into' him too - enough so that she wants to spend New Years with him, though he's too much of a panicky, awkward neurotic to put the moves on her. Unfortunately, his buddy seems determined to swoop in on Charlie's babe. Charlie ends up having a bad nightmare and some hallucinations before the film wraps up with a sweet and touching bit of romance.

"Unlocking Charlies" is a decent little short. Well shot, well acted and had a promising concept. The whole dream sequence didn't really work for me though. It just seemed a little out of place. Still, this one is worth checking out.

Directed by: Stephen Crilly
Runtime: 13 minutes

He Dies At the End (2010)

This is a good one to show your friends. It's really short, simple, tense and has a fun little pay off. A guy is alone at his desk at work with nobody else around. He starts taking an online quiz that will determine how he is going to die.

It's quiet, suspenseful and there's a laughably cheesy, yet satisfying surprise at the end. Look for this one.

Directed by: Damian McCarthy
Runtime: 4 minutes

Krueger: Another Tale From Elm Street (2013)

Well, this was pretty pointless. It's some fan-film prequel showing Freddy Krueger before he became the disfigured phantom dream killer of teenagers. It was directed by some guy who apparently has some predilection for making shitty fan films, such as "Escape from New Jersey". This one, however, pays no real respects or tribute to Wes Craven's iconic film OR the knife-clawed murderer - instead, it's just showing a young girl being abducted from a playground... Who gives a shit?! The guy who plays Krueger sucked and was SO douchily hammy I could barely keep from spitting at the screen.

This could've just as easily have been a short film about just some pedophile who snatches kids. Using Freddy Krueger's name and sweater was pointless.

Directed by: Chris R. Notarile
Runtime: 7 minutes   
   
 

The Killing of America (1982, Sheldon Renan)

It's funny how after seeing pretty much every kind of real-death 'shockumentary' on the market, it took me this long to check out "The Killing of America" - which I will say is, beyond all reasonable doubt, the best of it's kind out there. The whole 'Mondo film' thing really stopped interesting me as I advanced into, I'd say, my late teen years and total desensitization took effect. The thrill that came along with my juvenile obsession of gaining access to videos of authentic documentation of real-life carnage - such as the "Faces of Death", "Traces of Death" and "Faces of Gore" series' - diminished and my tastes advanced to the next 'phase'... Whatever it was. Now, that's not to say I can't enjoy one of these types of flicks on occasion or find them socially pertinent. It's just not a way in which I get my gore-craving 'jollies' in this day and age of the bounteous amounts of 'shock sites' and online craziness that is so easily accessible. Hell, if there's any real reason to watch a 'shockumentary' these days, it's to relive a period BEFORE the existence of the internet and all of the wonderfully gruesome and sleazy content it has to offer.

I guess what makes "The Killing of America" stand out to me, is that it doesn't come across as gratuitous and debauched as many other similar flicks out there that merely exploited genuine misery and 'taboo' acts/rituals under the guise of "cultural study". Here, there's no faked electric chair executions, monkey brain eating, alligator attacks - i.e. "Faces of Death" - and no tedious, 10 minute long autopsy sequences with death metal soundtrack accompaniment. "The Killing of America" covers two decades or so of high profile, as well as lesser known, examples of killing in the U.S. with a much more journalistic approach than your standard Mondo flick. Everything from the Kennedy assassination (including Bobby), Charles Manson, Martin Luther King, Ted Bundy, John Hinkley Jr., Charles Whitman and Jim Jones are covered in just enough detail, but with plenty of actual footage to go along with each event. Yeah, this may seem like totally familiar stuff by today's standards, but again, this was pre-internet and it's pretty fascinating still. Plus, you get some insight into guys like Lawrence Bittaker (aka. The Toolbox Killer), Wayne Henley and an interview with the lumbering, nerdy and oddly likeable Edmund Kemper in prison.

Also featured is the tragic murder of a convenience store clerk caught on camera and a three day long hostage situation involving an extremely pissed off guy who kidnaps the owner of a mortgage company who refused him a loan and the stand-off that lasted 3 days. Also got the disturbing ramblings of James Hoskins who took the employees of a news station hostage in 1980 and claimed he wanted a shootout with the cops before completely buckling and killing himself.

While "The Killing of America" demonstrated a more tasteful and, I guess, moral "wake-up call" on violence motive than many other graphic, real-death compilation mix-tapes that have circulated throughout the years, though this one comes across as more 'legit' and informative. It's excellently paced, has great voice-over narration, plenty of great footage - some of which I'd never seen before - and it didn't feel exploitive. Definitely check out "The Killing of America" if you have the stomach for this kind of stuff and want a little more substance.

Fetish Dolls Die Laughing (2012, David Silvio)

I don't even know what to say. The title sounded alright, but when all was said and done, "Fetish Dolls Die Laughing" sucked a colossal pile of rancid warthog balls. This flick pretty much did every conceivable thing wrong that one could do when making a meager-budgeted horror movie...

Some small, bearded, bald guy runs around kidnapping and tying up various women who provoke his rabid foot fetish. He likes to tickle them (while referring to himself as "The Tickle Monster") until they bleed out and die... Ugh. There's also a pair of detectives looking for him.

The biggest problem with this thing is that it's TOO fucking LONG without enough plot or interesting material to support or justify it's length. It's really just the same thing over and over again and I started getting annoyed watching this guy sucking on the toes of average to unattractive-looking chicks in a greatly redundant sequence of pointless scenes. There's basically no gore to speak of, aside from the usual, half-assed squirt-bottle of fake blood just off screen. Clearly, this movie was going for the 'intentionally campy', look how crazy we're being, Herschell Gordon Lewis-influenced appeal, but it all just sucks and looks like countless other digitally shot, DIY horror flicks out there. And the "silliness" of the fetish killer didn't mesh too well with the equally boring scenes of the two cops adding the 'serious' element to the "story". One thing I would like for you indie horror hack film-makers to quit doing is trying to incorporate detectives and crime-solving motifs into your already shittily structured low-budget bore-fest. You're not David Fincher, you imbeciles! Stop it!

So, yeah... There's nothing about "Fetish Dolls Die Laughing" that's worth checking out. It's total shit.

An American Ghost Story (2013, Derek Cole)

 

I'm not a fan of haunting/supernatural-based horror films to begin with, but it gets even WORSE when pieces of unendurable shit like this come my way - that provides a distressing 90 minutes of anti-originality and non-creativity. I seriously think the guy who made "An American Ghost Story", Derek Cole, was striving for a world record for most laughably cliched haunted house movie.

The plot centers around a guy - who sorta looks like a terminally ill Ethan Hawke - who moves into some suburban house that is supposedly haunted. The whole thing with a book writing project, news paper clippings, blah blah blah... His girlfriend gets freaked out and splits. He's got a buddy who looks like Chris Cornell who pops up here and there for no reason...

The rest of the film consists primarily of those tedious, slow moving "tension building" scenes of homeboy walking around the house with a flashlight, calling out to "spirits", cabinet doors opening on their own, teddy bears and other toys moving around, including one of the oddest looking wind-up toys I have ever seen... I'll just leave it at that... Plus, they also include the hackneyed "crazy lady who has experience with ghosts and provides usual information" character in a scene that goes on WAY too long.

Oh, and the ghost in the movie actually wears a sheet. Literally... a fucking bed sheet. Like fucking Charlie Brown on Halloween. Clever!

There's really nothing more to say about this one. It's one of the most conventional supernatural horror flicks I have ever seen. Even if you LOVE this type of thing, you'll be bored to tears by this, I guarantee it. And if you're not, you're an easily impressed dullard with a broken brain. Avoid this movie!

The Conjuring (2013, James Wan)

Being a fan of "Insidious" and most of James Wan's other flicks, I had relatively high hopes for "The Conjuring". Based on the some of the trailers I had seen beforehand, it thought it looked kinda similar to "Insidious", as well as a plethora of other modern supernatural films, but so did "Insidious" and I was quite pleasantly surprised with that one. Despite my hopefulness, this one was kind of a let down...

A family moves into a new house out in the sticks and the five daughters begin experiencing sinister paranormal occurrences, as well as the mother who ends up taking the brunt of it all, for sure! So they call upon the help of a married couple who are known demonologists who quickly deem their house fit for an exorcism...

Really, "The Conjuring" could've been alternately titled "Insidious in the 70s". It's apparently based on an actual account of a vicious haunting documented by a married paranormal investigating team led by renowned ghost-hunters, Ed and Lorraine Warren. That's fine, though I'm personally not into true stories that are based on supernatural phenomenon. Not one ounce of me believes in it and they mostly just turn out to be bullshit hoaxes that are embellished with all kinds of 'cinematic liberties'. I mean, how else can you do it?! The set up here is pretty much the same as "Insidious" (except there's no comatose kid) such as, the mom being one of the main spectators of the ghostly/demonic activity, they call on the paranormal experts (including a pair of buffoonish technical guys) who inform them that these malevolent entities have pretty much fastened themselves to their family until they manage to cast them out, via a religious ritual. Also, Patrick Wilson - the dad from "Insidious" - is back (no real drastic change in his performance), but with groovy 70s side burns. And Wan's infatuation with evil looking dolls forces a somewhat out-of-place side-story involving the paranormal couple's daughter and a demonically possessed doll named Annabelle...

To be fair, I thought "The Conjuring" was decent, despite it not really doing anything new. Wan definately has a knack for tension, moodiness and intense creepiness, though this proficiency doesn't come across as "strong" this time around. It felt a little like a quick cash-in considering he came right off of "Insidious" and they actually ran a trailer for "Insidious Chapter 2" before the flick, which looked NO different than the original or the movie I was about to watch. I hope Wan doesn't ride this cash-cow much further cuz it's getting a bit over-played, in my opinion. Still, "The Conjuring" is fine. Little more dependent on the jump-scares than I hoped and not as inventive as I was expecting coming from James Wan. However, on the plus side, you get Lily Taylor getting all possessed and taking a bite outta some motherfucker. That was almost worth the price of admission.

Megan is Missing (2011, Michael Goi)

Here we have another addition to the exhaustingly recurrent "found footage" genre that has officially stopped progressing, but still tends to pop up here n' there and cover a few more redundant bases. So here, "Megan is Missing" incorporates online sexual predators with the whole formula that revolves around modern technology to really get WE, the viewer, "connected" with what's going on... Yeah... Eh... It's just not cool anymore, guys. All the Blair Witch and Fred Vogel shit that came out over a decade ago did what you aspiring indie horror guys are trying to do now with your digital cameras, but it's just not affective anymore... Can we please just go back to putting forth an EFFORT instead of shaky, ad-libbed, POV, trying-to-look-realistic-but-failing bullshit? It's just embarrassing now...

Sorry about that, but I had to get my plea out of the way before I officially start this. So "Megan is Missing" does the whole "based on true events" gimmick and follows two 13-14 year old girls who seem to devote a lot of time to web-chatting; eachother and other dumb sounding girls. One of the girls, Megan, is a notorious party girl slut who likes to attend high-school parties and blow her brain dead classmates for free drugs. There's numerous times where she regales her nerdy friend, Amy, of all the times she was raped as a very small child. Which... made her a whore, I guess. Psychology 101. She starts conversing with a fella by the name of SkaterDude online. She goes to meet up with him behind a diner and is never heard from again. Her friend Amy then starts chatting with SkaterDude (a.k.a. Josh) and when she starts giving the cops and news media some information on Josh, Amy goes missing too...

This all leads up to the last 22 minutes on Amy's video diary following her abduction, in which the film becomes a pretty over-the-top exploitation/torture film in the most shameless sense. What's really confusing about it is that the movie credits itself as being something meant to spread awareness of online predators... The cover features a quote from Marc Klaas - the guy whose daughter was kidnapped from a slumber party in their home and found murdered back in '93 - which reads: "A powerful, important film that deserves both attention and discussion". Did he actually fucking watch this?! Calling "Megan is Missing" a film that deserves attention and discussion is like saying that "Niku daruma" deserves public praise for addressing the reality that women HAVE, in fact, been kidnapped, dismembered, gutted and raped. If you sit your teenager down to watch "Megan is Missing" in hopes that they'll discuss it with you after, you're gonna look like the most idiotic parent in the world, plus your kid is gonna think you're fucked in the head. I really don't think that Mr. Klaas saw this movie, though I'm sure he heard it contained the topic of disappearing children and was misled into thinking it was a reputable "wake up call" film. Not the case, sadly...

First of all, the majority of this flick is dull as shit, consisting mostly of these and numerous other teenagers acting like how out-of-touch adults THINK that modern teens act and talk like. I mean, I know they do to a degree, but just listen to the dialog and watch just a few scenes outta this and you'll see what I mean. "You want us to invite HER? But she's, like, totally fucking lame and doesn't even dress like us!". Yeesh... Like After School Special dialog but with more cursing... After Megan disappears, they show some funny faux-news footage and a hilariously dramatic reenactment of the abduction, complete with lightning strikes every 4 seconds. Then, the friend is kidnapped and... of course... the antagonist records it all on her camera for the sake of "found footage" (shitty fucking genre!) At this point, it becomes "The Poughkeepsie Tapes" or "Hostel" (whatever) showing her locked in a dungeon and also including a lengthy rape scene. Not "opening peoples eyes" to the potential dangers of online interaction, but straight-up BRUTAL horror flick. Plain and simple. And I wasn't all that impressed. Yeah, they took the violence overboard and got controversial, which is something I typically tend to appreciate in cinema, though the whole "found footage" angle just ruined it for me. I'm so sick of it...

Julien Donkey-Boy (1999, Harmony Korine)

Following his avant-garde 'white trash' art-film debut, "Gummo" (1997) - a piece of work that I personally retain an immense amplitude of reverence toward, due to it's complex undertones and wildly stark representation of hellish redneck lifestyles - Harmony Korine dabbled in similarly offbeat material. "Julien Donkey-Boy" is Korine's attempt to uphold the ridiculous Danish 'Dogme 95' movement of the organically restricting "Vow of Chastity" by abiding by their usual set of rules, including constant handheld camera work, use of natural lighting, lack of formative genre customs, etc. The film was shot on a DV cassette and transferred to 16mm THEN transferred to 35mm, which gives the look of it a distorting, worn out graininess and faded lack of color.

The plot - like "Gummo" - is a very non-linear slice-of-life that is full of ugly, mentally deranged characters, such as Julien, a retarded schizophrenic religious zealot. He lives in New York with his pregnant sister (whom we're led to believe is carrying her brother's child), their domineering German father who dedicates most of his time to whipping his other son into shape to become a "winner" he can be proud of... And also attempting to pay him ten dollars to put on his dead mother's dress at one point...

For the most part, you're just getting Korine's usual brand of seemingly senseless, yet disturbing and aesthetically striking moments involving a black albino rapping about the obviously unfortunate hand he's been dealt in life, Werner Herzog dancing around in a gas mask and drinking cough syrup out of a slipper, Julien washing a little blind girl's feet in a bathtub, being told off by a Hasidic Jew child and stealing a deceased fetus from the hospital...

This series of exceptionally odd events certainly have a hypnotically provocative magnetism, though it all tends to come across as a more 'over-blown' rendering of Harmony Korine's unique visionary auteurism; illustrated well in his previous effort, "Gummo". While that film actually maintained a palpable sense of Korine's cinematic nihilism and unconventional take on story-telling, "Julien Donkey-Boy" comes across as a much more pretentious and fairly uninvolved film. The passion that Harm clearly had for his first film isn't found in nearly the same capacity with this one and, for the most part, it really just comes across as a boisterous freak-show with a much more shallow undercurrent of interpretive nuance and memorable strangeness. I almost wanna blame it one Korine's choice to earn his "Dogme 95" certificate which might have led to the outcome muddling the director's intentions somewhat. That's probably not the case, however... I dunno.

Despite all this, the film is not without it's stand-out strong points, such as Ewen Bremner's performance as Julien, which is pretty fucking incredible and actually based off of Korine's schizoid Uncle Eddy, whom he required Bremner to study in his preparation for the role. A scene is which Julien and his sister talk on the phone from separate rooms of their house as she comfortingly speaks to him as their dead mother from beyond the grave as he fondles himself is a notably harrowing scene that is solely performance driven. Chloë Sevigny as the prego sister is very good too. Herzog, however, steals the show in every scene he's in - whether he is yelling at his son for wrestling a plastic trash receptacle or using the term "artsy-fartsy" numerous times before breaking down a scene from "Dirty Harry" and equating it to REAL poetry.

In all, "Julien Donkey-Boy" didn't reach the same level of cinematic rebellion that Harmony Korine displayed with his 'white trash' Vaudevillian-influenced nightmare "Gummo" (and hasn't come close to since his debut film), though this is still a worthy film for Korine fans and 'arthouse' lovers. Again, it's a little highfalutin, but worth checking out.

Adventures in Plymptoons! (2011, Alexia Anastasio)

I'm a pretty huge Bill Plympton fan. Have been for years ever since I accidentally saw his second feature-length film, "I Married a Strange Person!", late one night on Showtime or some channel years ago. For those of you who aren't familiar with him, Plympton is a renowed independent animator best known for his prolific dexterity and unheard of ability to create hand-drawn features all on his own. His first feature, "The Tune" (1992), set a precedent that rocked the animation scene.

"Adventures in Plymptoons" seemed like it'd be interesting, seeing as how Plympton has come a long way from his breakthrough, Oscar nominated surrealist musical short, "Your Face", having hit the mainstream by doing MTV bumpers and music videos for Weird Al Yankovic and Kanye West, while continually working on his own indie projects and maintaining his sense of artistic pride and unwillingness to sell out. Unfortunately, this documentary struck me as being rather clumsily put together and VERY light on actual information concerning the man's varying artistic styles, influences, personal life, etc. They really just crammed in a bunch of interviews from people continually praising Plympton and contributing basically nothing else. Childhood friends, current friends, grade school classmates, sisters, cousins, former Disney execs, film critics, fellow animators... "Animation Godfather" Ralph Bakshi pops up ever-so briefly and adds NOTHING. Well... he praises Plympton. Other than that... NOTHING. Some assistant producer or whoever from The Simpsons appears a few times playing a tuba and tries to be funny, fails... and adds NOTHING. Lloyd Kaufman (who will make an appearance at your six-year old's backyard birthday party as long as you're recording it on video) is in this and guess what he adds... Even LESS that all of the previously mentioned people! Terry Gilliam has a sarcastic little interview and so does Ed Begley Jr. The guy who does the voice for Spongebob Squarepants does a goofy little comedy bit. In essence, everyone here is just trying to be silly or sucking Plympton's dick with praise. It gets pretty redundant.

Of course, Plympton himself is interviewed throughout the film and, in the end, is the only one I cared about hearing from. Still, he withholds a lot of information. I won't blame him, though. I really think the maker of this doc dropped the ball and fucked this whole thing up. It lacked focus and jumped around way too much. I was hoping for some more details on "I Married a Strange Person!", "Hair High" and "Idiots and Angels" and what inspired these films. They gloss over all of 'em. A little insight into what made him shift over from his rather 'light', almost child-friendly works such as "The Tune" and "One of Those Days" to the heavily violent and sexually themed films he eventually began animating and what triggered that whole phase.

Anyone who has never heard of Bill Plympton and his work will have one hell of a poor introduction to the guy here, if you ask me. I would hope for a follow-up to this, done by a more competent documentary film-maker, that focuses on Plympton as opposed to all of the non-contributing ass-kisser material this fucking thing is padded out with. The DVD for "The Tune" contains a documentary within the special features titled "Twisted Toons" from the early 90s that actually covers the animation genius's up-bringing, early works and creative process better than this. Check THAT out.

Wound (2010, David Blyth)

What you get from "Wound" is some highly bleak, experimentally formulated 'arthouse' horror out of New Zealand that is pleasurably laced with some nicely taboo themes and wildly weird and macabre imagery. The film had a little bit of a "Jacob's Ladder"; potential descent into madness vibe to me... Just with more cock-chopping and vaginal blood sucking...

We start off with a seemingly proper older gentleman (who sounds EXACTLY like Malcolm McDowell) visiting his adult daughter. She clocks him over the head with a bat, ties him up and murders him as revenge for raping her as a child. She buries him in the backyard, amidst a bunch of wadded up balls of aluminum foil (never understood the significance of this detail) and resumes her normal life... A life that consists of unsuccessfully soliciting printer service over the phone and allowing a whack job to act out some kind of S&M 'kink' in which she is forced to role play as a submissive housewife in front of a webcam. Eventually, her long-lost daughter - a potentially lesbonic teenage goth - comes knocking after having gotten the necessary documents from the creepy school guidance counselor. Turns out, Mama was told by her old and haggard dominatrix mother that her incest-spawned baby had died following birth and no one is willing to believe that she's now got a new, freaky house guest hanging around claiming to be her kin...

There's some other crazy, nightmarish shit thrown and you never really fully understand how it all adds up. You're led to wonder whether or not the daughter is real, if the mom is completely insane, or if the whole movie is just a bad dream. Or all-of-the-above, perhaps. There's an image thrown in showing the daughter preparing to commit suicide on the railroad tracks with her boyfriend and there's the reoccurring sound of a train thrown in at seemingly random points throughout the film... There's also a scene involving a fat rapist with a spiked dick, tattooed legs and ass and creepy pig mask as well as a big, pulsating vagina birthing a pair of doll-faced figures... Cool shit.

I'd recommend "Wound" to anyone who is craving some deranged surrealism with their horror viewing. Something... a little DIFFERENT, if you will. Haters of less-than-linear story telling should steer clear, but if you can appreciate some 'irregularity' and calculated, nightmare-like disorientation along with depraved and bizarre imagery and nastiness than you should check this out. The performances are all really good, the cinematography is slick and the creativity element is plentiful.
http://woundmovie.com

Cross Bearer (2012, Adam Ahlbrandt)

"Cross Bearer" is a decent au courant slasher flick that doesn't do anything too groundbreaking, but brings on some admissible indie entertainment...

A community of drug-infatuated degenerates is targeted by a religious vagabond disguised by a sheet-wrapped face and armed with a claw hammer. Some lesbian strippers and a mohawked DIY pornographer get mixed up in the bloodbath as they enter a dilapidated building where they hope to make a drug deal for an obnoxious club owner. Little do they realize that the killer is taking care of business and righting some wrongs in the name of Christ.

First off, you're getting a reasonably hefty amount of fake tits and bloody hammer-bashings with this one, so, in that regard, it scored some points with me. I guess what I didn't really go for was the total lack of 'build' or mystification surrounding the killer. He's one of the first faces we see in the movie (maskless) and, from there, he's just sort of a 'prop' that goes around rambling Jesus-freak nonsense and bludgeoning people to death. That's all fine and dandy, though I would've preferred he be given some kind of half-way interesting back-story or, at least, ONE of the characters should've been kinda interesting. The film is just really light on suspense and plot. Too much so, if you asked me. They try to poke fun at this in a overly long scene where the soon-to-be victims have a ridiculous film discussion, one of whom arguing that she prefers trashy slasher films over Kubrick's films... This didn't really 'land'...

But still, it's not a BAD flick. Good amount of practical gore effects and I like the idea of an extremely religious slasher antagonist. You could do a lot worse than "Cross Bearer".

Récompence (2010, Ronny Carlsson)

"Récompence" is a bleak 25-minute 'arthouse'-horror flick, directed by Ronny Carlsson of filmbizarro.com. Like many of these types of surrealist, visionary films, the premise seems to be up for interpretation from the viewer. Or else I'm just an idiot who can't fully grasp subtext... Eh.

A woman - whom we see driving through the country with a guy (boyfriend or husband... or brother) - is crawling through the woods, covered in dirt and clearly injured. She comes across a house where she spots a ghostly blank-faced, robed figure peering out of a window. After entering, she finds the figure sitting across the room where he proceeds to disembowel himself. Our lady gets rather 'intrigued' and a bit riled up by this macabre display and peels off her top before munching on some innards. More staggering through the woods and, eventually, she happens upon another (or maybe the same) figure whom she has some kind of bizarre, intimate moment with...

I gotta say, "Récompence" is a pretty well-made short. It's got a cool, desaturated black-and-white look, no dialog and is skillfully and effectively shot. The tone of the film is gloomy and nightmarish with a visual aesthetic that reminded me of E. Elias Merhige's "Begotten". Also a decent amount of gore and some satisfying full-frontal female nudity to help it along. Recommended. And check out Carlsson's site http://filmbizarro.com.