Finders Keepers (2014)

Looks like Syfy attempted to cash in on the "Annabelle" thing, which means "Finders Keepers" is just a shitty possession movie under the guise of a killer doll flick. Every aspect of this thing is halfassed to the MAX...

The usually sexy Jaime Pressly - now sporting an atrocious butch hair-do, reminiscent of Jay North from the 50s "Dennis the Menace" show - plays a mom who moves into a big old house with her young daughter after separating from her husband. The kid finds a creepy doll under the floorboards of her room and it starts to badly influence her behavior, while sneaking out to kill those who mean to jeapardize their 'bond'.

Pretty standard, paint-by-numbers horror flick. Absolutely nothing new. No notable death scenes or gore to speak of (most of them die in explosions *snore*...) and you never see the doll moving around. At the end, some CGI ghost-fog appears and the kid's eyes turn black... Again, just typical, boring stuff. There's something about the former owner of the doll who has a few scenes wedged in there that are completely pointless and Tobin "Jigsaw" Bell pops up a few times, bored, reminding us that his career ended with the "Saw" franchise. So yeah, if you like dull horror flicks, you'll be in shit-heaven with this one...

Afflicted (2013)

It's safe to say that if I had known anything about this one before putting it on, I would have avoided it, altogether. "Afflicted" is a 'found footage' vampire movie. Need I say more?

A terminally ill guy goes on a trip to Paris with his documentarian buddy. After hooking up with a chick, the one guy wakes up with a mysterious wound, starts puking up all his food and reacting strangely to sunlight. On the upside, however, they discover he has super-human strength, speed and Spiderman-like agility. Still, he needs human blood to live and is desperate to find the chick that 'infected' him...

As is the case with so many 'found footage' films, "Afflicted" could have probably worked better had it not been structured this way. It's clear the only reason they did go this route is because, obviously, it's still profitable while being an advantageous way to cut production costs. This format just doesn't work for every variety of horror film (or ANY at this point...) and just ends up limiting these films' range by making a B-story virtually impossible, obscuring the 'action' and FX with implausibly continual, handheld shaky-cam recordings and eliminating most (if not ALL...) cinematic ingenuity (cinematography, lighting, general scene structure...), giving the film a very circumscribed blandness, overall. I'd say "Afflicted" could have done much more with the story and characters had they abandoned the POV bullshit and focused more on them. So, my ruling: don't bother.

Alice, Sweet Alice (1976)

Very cool and criminally underrated Hitchcock-style '70s 'proto-slasher' film. "Alice, Sweet Alice" has a remarkably strong and original story line and some pretty memorably whacked-out fuckers doing crazy whacked-out shit...

During her first communion, a young girl is murdered and set on fire in the back room of the church. Due to her behavioral problems, the sister is immediately the prime suspect, though they can't really pin it on her... That is, until her cold-hearted auntie is knifed on the apartment staircase by a masked nutjob in a yellow raincoat that matches the presumably 'evil' sister's. So she's locked away, but is that the end of the brutal attacks?...

"Alice, Sweet Alice" (aka. "Communion" - aka. "Holy Terror") definitely has a lot going for it - strong, entertaining performances, namely the creepy, obese pedo neighbor and the crazy old Italian bitch. It all 'jibes' extremely well with the briskly paced - very DePalma-esque - 'mystery' premise that continues to work nicely, well after the big reveal when all hell breaks loose. Not a major bloodbath by any stretch, but the few scenes of violence are still quite harsh and gruesome and usually very unexpected, which was cool, namely the guy getting a crucifix bashed down his throat with a shoe! This is an oddly overlooked film that I feel really should be renowned as much more of a true horror 'classic' then it is. Highly recommended!

Popcorn (1991)

"Popcorn" is a movie I had heard a few positive comments for, floating around, but it was never a top priority title for me. Figured I'd see if I was missing out on anything 'special' and, no... I wasn't.

A University film class isn't receiving proper funding so they decide to put on a horror film festival to raise some money. While setting up, they discover a reel featuring 'artsy', macabre footage of a film-maker who, years ago, went on to kill his family live on stage after the screening of that particular film. So, as the festival is underway, a killer is lurking around behind the scenes - making molds of peoples faces and wearing them as masks as he murders them...

All "Popcorn" did was remind me that horror died out with the 80s and there was that depressing period of the early 90s where haphazard attempts to recapture the profitable slasher 'trend' ended up making for some truly unmemorable shit. "Popcorn" has no gore (aside from TWO people being impaled by the SAME giant suspended mosquito prop...What "imagination"...), no sex/nudity, banal comedic tones, and some painfully forced - yet predictable - 'connection' between the over-explaining killer and the main girl which eats up a lot of the film's run-time. Also, too much of the movie is spent showing scenes of the movies-within-the-movie, which just goes to show that the main premise of "Popcorn" couldn't solely sustain an average 90-minute run and needed to be heavily padded with pointless, unfunny horror movie satire. I think this is why genre fans like this movie - because of the references - but I found it to be a very cliched, watered down borefest. It's a prime example of a tired 90s slasher abortion...

Brain Dead (2007)

"Brain Dead" - not to be confused with the 1992 Peter Jackson splatter-'classic' or that Bill Pullman 'thriller' - is a totally run-of-the-mill 'indie' zombie gore flick, but I thought it was entertaining and mindless enough to get through...

Six people - a pair of convicts handcuffed together, two female hikers and a pervy priest and his young hottie parishioner - find themselves stranded in a rundown cabin as a few brain-eating zombies are lurking around outside. It's all due to some kind of gooey alien parasite that climbs into peoples bodies and takes control of them.

Apart from a few decent gore scenes, there's also a decent amount of gratuitous nudity provided by every chick in the film - all of which are pretty much knock-outs. So, it won me over a bit on THAT end. Otherwise, it's just your standard, low-budget "Evil Dead"-inspired zombie shit. Absolutely nothing new to see here, but not a complete waste of time, I guess...

Out of the Furnace (2013)

"Out of the Furnace" started off as a pretty solid revenge-flick with a terrific cast putting forth some naturally strong performances. Unfortunately, I thought it fell apart significantly around a certain point and it, in turn, affected the 'payoff' negatively...

A Pennsylvania steel mill worker (Christian Bale) is carrying the load of a dying father and keeping his younger, less responsible brother in check when - in a stroke of devastating luck - is involved in a nasty car wreck, resulting in the death of a child. Having been coming back from a bar doesn't help matters and he's tossed in prison. Upon his release (I don't recall the length of his sentence being disclosed...), he finds that his father is dead, his girlfriend left him for the police chief and his bro has gotten mixed up in the gritty world of underground, bare-knuckle fighting. Things get a bit "confused" during a brawl out in the sticks and the brother and his "manager" are murdered by a ruthless redneck drug dealer. When Bale gets word of this, he does what he can to hunt down his bro's killer.

Things were going well up until the whole 'revenge' angle is kicked off, when the movie takes some highly implausible turns. Such as, the whole scene when Bale poses as a guy looking to score some drugs and, despite being skeptical as to whether or not he's a cop, they actually take him to their secluded drug 'headquarters' and offer information... Really? What a bunch of careless idiots. Also, Forest Whitaker seems incredibly miscast as the Chief/boyfriend of Bale's ex. He looks old enough to be her father and his role seems largely pointless. As for the 'big ending', it's pretty unfulfilling, overall. Everything following the main story arc seemed rushed and just far less interesting then all that was going on before that. The good points - well, like I said, the performances are all great; especially Woody Harrelson who quickly became my hero in the opening scene of the film (excellent use of a hotdog...) and continues to dominate in every subsequent scene he's in. It's also shot very well and has some nicely grim scenery.

If only it had ended a bit stronger, I'd be able to recommend it a little harder, but I'd say it's still worth checking out for what strengths it's got.

The Babadook (2014)

I had been hearing plenty of positive things about "The Babadook", which doesn't matter much, considering I hear positive shit about a LOT of movies that turn out sucky (Annabelle, The Conjuring, etc.). This one wasn't THAT bad, overall. Not as arrantly redundant as many of the 'supernatural'/boogeyman bullshit movies that come off the Hollywood assembly line these days, but still nothing great.

A single mother reads her troubled son a bedtime story from a mysterious pop-up book one night. It warns of a malevolent ghoul that wants to come out of the darkness and kill people... From there, the kid starts seeing the Babadook every night, which takes it's toll on his disbelieving mother's psyche since neither of them are able to get any sleep. Eventually, the Babadook does his 'thing' and the movie goes downhill...

 Obviously, the plot is nothing even remotely original. However, what I kinda appreciated about this one was how it relied on a more human element then just predictable jump-scares and hackneyed supernatural-horror formalities... That is... up until the final act when they decided to pile on every derivative genre custom they could muster up and went the typical 'possession' route that is so fucking popular these days. It's a shame, cuz I found the film relatively engaging in how it tended to commit, predominantly, to a more psychological basis for it's majority - as opposed to just "spooky" shadows and doors slamming on their own. That's a good thing, because the Babadook 'entity' is stupid and boring looking and has one of the dumbest names ever. Seriously, the title of this movie makes me cringe every time someone says it out loud. So, focusing on the characters - namely the mother - coming apart at the seams due to a lack of sleep and thinking her child is a complete basket case put a decent enough 'spin' on this flick -sort of reminiscent of "The Shining" in some ways. But then it just ends in your standard, obnoxious, overblown, dull way, which pretty much killed it for me. I hate when that happens... Oh well. Don't believe the hype...

American Gothic (1988)

I had passed this one up for years and finally decided to check it out recently - finding it to be somewhat of an entertaining and under-appreciated backwoods-slasher flick.

A group of vacationing friends experience some engine problems with their plane and are forced to land on some Pacific Northwest island. There, they come across a rustic house inhabited by Ma and Pa - a pair of nutty, super-religious old timers and their three whacked out "kids", that all appear to be the same age as the parents. During their stay, they fall victim to the family's bizarre and sadistic lifestyle...

"American Gothic" has a few unique attributes that I'd say sets it apart from your average slasher customs. Rod Steiger and Yvonne De Carlo (Lily fucking Munster!) pull off their rolls pretty well and it carries the movie nicely. Religious freakos make for terrific horror antagonists. There's no real memorable gore or nudity to speak of, but the whole dead, dried out baby thing was cool and creepy and necrophilia is hinted  at one point. I also dug how the main character didn't end up being your typical lone survivor heroine, which gave the film's final act, in particular, a bit more of an original turn. "American Gothic" isn't a spectacular horror movie, by any means, but I'd definitely consider it something of an unacknowledged 'gem' that's worth getting a hold of and checking out for genre buffs.

Nurse (2013)

"Nurse" is a mildly entertaining 'thriller' that's sort of along the lines of "Single White Female" with a much more 'stylized' panache. I guess it was released in 3D, but it seems like kind of a wash considering it had a real limited theatrical run.

A sexy New York nurse moonlights as a deadly seductress who baits married men into hitting on her so she can kill them with various hospital drugs and implements. She ends up having a girl-crush on the new sexy blonde nurse and starts ruining her life when she feels she's not getting the attention she deserves...

Can't say "Nurse" is anything all that original or memorable - aside from Paz de la Huerta, of course, whose AMAZING body completely steals the show. And the movie doesn't spare the sight of her lovely, nekkid ass, which is without a doubt the film's high-point. There's also a few scenes of bad CGI gore and some lesbo action here n' there that keeps it moving along. In all, it's a pretty unremarkable flick...

Heart of America (2002)

I have a weakness for school-shooter movies. As well as the fascinating real-life instances they are based on, namely the Columbine massacre. There's a lot to explore when it comes to mass shootings - especially the increasingly common 'trend' of fastidiously orchestrated school shootings - such as, whether it was fueled by cruelty from their peers or just succumbing to a torpid mental illness or depression that no one could possibly detect prior to a violent outburst. Or maybe they ARE influenced by movies, music or video games. There's no shortage of questions a panic-stricken society has when faced with one of these cases, primarily when troubled adolescents are revealed as the 'offenders'. Quite a few films have been made on the subject - most notably is Gus Van Sant's "Elephant" - an averse 'mood piece' depicting blank-faced characters being mowed down by machine gun toting closeted gay nerds and the loose recreation of the Columbine duo's unreleased "Basement Tapes", titled "Zero Day". For some reason, "Heart of America" passed by my radar for quite some time, but upon learning of it, I was pretty stoked to check it out since Mr. Uwe "fuck you, I'll fight you" Boll was behind it. And... unfortunately, it's not what I was hoping for...

The movie revolves around a wide range of high school seniors and their teachers going about their last day of the school year. The central focus is a ruthlessly bullied kid who wants his equally abused friend to accompany him on a retributive killing spree throughout the school as a way of "leaving their mark". Other characters include the smug jock who crassly breaks up with his girlfriend cuz she won't put out. The sadistic bully who has an 'awakening' of guilt (too little too late...). Rich goth girl smoking meth on the roof. Teacher taking out his creative shortcomings on his students. Kid who knocked up his girlfriend having a dull argument...

Problem is that most of this shit doesn't matter in the end, yet it takes up the majority of the film. The school drug dealer getting shook down by the guidance counselor didn't matter AT ALL and the whole retard-rape flashback was too over-the-top gratuitious and also took up too much time. Then, the 'big' end massacre was pretty brief and unfulfilling, aside from an ironic 'twist' in which the clueless media praises one of the bullies as a hero - claiming he's proof that "there is hope for America's youth".

Overall, "Heart of America" is pretty weak. I guess I was hoping for something a little more 'balls out' and raucous out of Uwe Boll, but he DID deliver the 'goods' seven years later with "Rampage". So check that out and check out "Zero Day" or the excellent and highly offensive school-shooter black comedy, "Duck! The Carbine High Massacre" instead of this.

Last House on Dead End Street (1977)

It had been quite a few years since I had seen "Last House on Dead End Street" so I figured a revisiting was surly in order. So as I was recently re-experiencing it, my recollection came trickling back and I feel that my latest experience with the film was a bit more 'warm' than my previous one - though I still find that I don't like the movie as much as many people seem to.

A dirtbag reprobate gets out of prison and decides to get into the movie-making business. He assembles a crew of weirdos and they start making psychedelic snuff films in an abandoned building for jaded porn distributors...

I definitely appreciated it more this time around - as it WAS a very shocking and mean-spirited film for it's time - containing graphic scenes of torture, dismemberment and a chick's corpse being gutted. There's also a fairly unsettling and nightmarishly surreal sense to these scenes that gives the film a bit more 'character' than your average gore flick, I'd say. Not to say the film isn't completely trashy and depraved 'exploitation', cuz it certainly IS. For example, a prolonged scene of a chick in black face getting whipped at a party and a guy forced to blow a deer hoof dick (?).  According to historical records, the majority of the film's budget was frittered away on drugs during filming, which clearly shows in the final product. This movie obviously wasn't shot using the most high-end equipment and film stock... Despite these favorable qualities, I still find the film to be a bit lacking, overall. Like it's just missing something that I can't quite figure out. Still, it definitely needs to be recognized as an important early breakthrough in the realm of 'extreme' cinema and, for that, it comes recommended.

A Fucking Cruel Nightmare (2010)

There's some truly bad German splatter flicks out there, but "A Fucking Cruel Nightmare" is fucking BAD. This makes "Violent Shit" and "Das Komabrutale Duelle" look masterful and I can't even believe I'm saying that...

A guy is having a nightmare that he's walking through a maze of plastic tarps, peering into rooms where random people are being brutally tortured and killed by sadistic masked men. About halfway through this boring shit, the victims come back and exact revenge on their killers.

The movie is just comprised of dozens of scenes of torture and mutilation, strung together in an endless... nightmare of self-indulgence and pointless, cheezy gore. Absolutely no plot, no dialog and some of the most brain-splittingly irritating dubbing and sound mixing imaginable. The movie is so repetitive and dull and just poorly made that it fails at being even mildly "shocking", despite it's obvious efforts to be so 'balls-out crazy'. If there's not even the framework of a story or anyone at least savvy enough to doctor up some decent gore FX for the nonstop scenes of nails pounded into skulls and spines, babies being bashed with hammers and various cock mutilations (all of which feature the most unconvincing looking plastic dildos on the market...), then all of that shit has absolutely zero impact. This one just blows...

Tusk (2014)

I'm still in the 'camp' that believes Kevin Smith's transition to horror is pretty much a fail despite a glimmer of potential behind his two attempts, thus far. After seeing the ambitious, yet muddled horror debut, "Red State", I got the impression that Smith has very little "sense" of the genre and with his newest outing, "Tusk", he further proves that he's more interested in cobbling together bland, derivative narratives, based solely on a Michael Parks performance...

A successful 'cringe'-podcaster travels to Canada to pursue a story on a viral video character for his show, only to have the plan fall through. He finds a flier in a men's room offering a wealth of fantastical stories from a rich, seasoned old man. The podcaster arrives at the man's estate and, after a  chummy dialog, collapses from his drugged tea. And... yeah, turns out the old guy has a boner for walruses after having been rescued by one following a shipwreck, decades ago. The movie cuts between the walrus 'transformation'/walrus training to the guy's podcast partner and impractically hot girlfriend (who typically hook up when he's out of town...) looking for him.

There's no way I'm gonna say that "Tusk" was better than "Red State". Both pretty much sucked, although I somewhat appreciated the self-awareness in which Smith went about "Tusk", as opposed to the straight-forward, unduly politically topical bore-fest that preceded it. Even if I didn't find it all that amusing - which I didn't - I did GET that it was a complete joke. I've heard from too many people who are legitimately confused by how ridiculous this "horror" movie was. It's just an overly long Saturday Night Live parody of "The Human Centipede" with Smith, again, trying to give us our fill of Parks' exemplary acting ability (which is obviously out-of-place here...). But how many times can this be used to carry a film? Other than Parks, "Tusk" has nothing going for it. The only chuckle I got out of it was the reveal of the Ed Gein-ish walrus skin suit and how stupid and rubbery it looked (again, intentionally, no doubt...). Otherwise, Justin Long is a one-dimensional, Kevin Smith-style smartass. Johnny Depp is downright annoying as the cross-eyed Canadian detective, and Long's never ending walrus screams drove me fucking nuts!

This should've been some kind of short Youtube project or something... It's just too long for what it is and pretty much everything about it just gets irritating or boring. I wouldn't say it's unwatchable as long as you acknowledge it as a 100% gag and try to derive some kinda enjoyment out of that if you can, but, ultimately, the gag was a miss.

Pizza Girl Massacre (2014)

"Pizza Girl Massacre" is a 'slasher' take on the 'found footage' format that isn't going to revamp the ever-dwindling sub-genre, by any means, but it's an entertaining indie- horror/comedy in all fairness.

A group of community theater actors drive out to a cabin in the woods to rehearse for a performance of Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream", along with a documentary film crew. The night before their first rehearsal, they get drunk and order some pizzas, only to have the hammered director sexually harass and stiff the delivery girl on her pay. She promptly returns, however, and slaughters the cast and crew while it's captured on their numerous recording devices...

The film had a few chuckle-worthy moments and the incredibly (yet clearly intentionally...) obnoxious cast of characters were amusing. There's also a decent amount of gore and general chaos, involving The Pizza Girl and her deadly pizza cutters. As for the 'cons' - I got some pretty heavy motion sickness at times and I felt the ending with the lone survivor dragged on a bit too long. Still, overall, "Pizza Girl Massacre" is enjoyable and definitely the best 'found footage' flick I've seen in a while.

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Ouija (2014)

Yet another forgettable piece-of-shit supernatural studio 'horror' flick for the teenage popcorn crowd. "Ouija" is actually dumbed down to a level that I could hardly even fathom and just plodded along, dryly, like the completely soulless and slapped together 'product' that it was.

We got a group of Gap models playing with a stupid board game after one of them dies...

Consisting of the most painfully bland cast of characters imaginable, obnoxious shrieking CGI ghosts - complete with that stretched out jaw bullshit, ultra-tame PG-13 child-friendliness... And they even threw Lin Shaye in there, because apparently she's in all of this type of loathsome, dime-a-dozen toilet waste now. Fuck "Ouija" and fuck all this supernatural horror drivel. It's reached an all new LOW, here.

It Follows (2014)

My expectations are rarely anywhere but at their lowest when it comes to 'mainstream' American horror films (which should go without saying if you've read any of my past redundant horseshit 'reviews' on the subject...), but based on a few things I had heard, "It Follows" sounded like something that might be worth checking out. The trailer didn't make it look like anything particularly exceptional, but something about it seemed to show promise over much of the other supernatural/possession/PG-13 horror garbage that intermittently trickles into the lamentable cinema-plex these days. And - lo and behold - "It Follows" actually turned out to be an entertaining and reasonably "fresh" horror flick compared to the comprehensive stagnancy of the horror genre.

After some backseat sex on date night, a teenage girl learns from her boyfriend he has passed on to her a malevolent curse that will follow her until she passes it on - via sex - to the next poor bastard. "It" comes in the form of random people or people she knows and will apparently pursue her until it either gets a hold of her or she can unload the burden on someone else...

There's no denying that "It Follows" has it's flaws and is far from the most original concept, but I definitely appreciated how it didn't bombard the audience (i.e. me...) with the same tired genre conventions that 'modern' horror movies lazily rely upon. Aside from a few expected 'cheap scares', the film is much more up-front with it's tension building - holding on the 'action' much longer than supernatural-themed movies of late tend to do, with slamming doors, creeping shadows and other fleeting, tiresome cliches that only jolt the audience momentarily out of their social media-sedation while promptly alleviating them of said tension before it even gets started. "It Follows" takes a bit more of an inexorable approach to it's style of tensity - along the lines of "The Shining" (though coming nowhere close to it's excellence, of course...) which I found rather commendable. Also, attention is placed on musical scoring (heavily John Carpenter-inspired...) and cinematography - actually taking the time to capture details in the locale that gives the film's environment a sense of purpose and "character", which is another thing that I find doesn't stand out in enough recent horror films.

My gripes on "It Follows" lay more in certain details in the premise that seemed a bit unclear - such as a scene where one of the targets of "It" is attacked and some kind of strange, violent, sexually-charged 'process' (aka. MOTIVE) is taking place that isn't shown in full or explained. Also, do you have to cum to get "It" on your tail or is it just the penetration? Do blowjobs count? Aside from these "burning" questions, I thought there were just a few unnecessary and/or somewhat drawn-out scenes here and there, but nothing that bogs the movie down too much...

Like I said, it's not a perfect flick, overall, but for a theatrical horror joint I dug it quite a bit. It's got much more "style" than any of the supernatural/demonic possession retreads that have reduced the genre to a dubious, mundane, infantile farce in past years. There's a touch of gore and nudity and a decent enough premise involving basically invisible zombie STDs and a detectable affection for the genre. Check it out.