Last Horror Film, The (1982, David Winters)

"The Last Horror Film" was Joe Spinell's triumphant return to serial killing after his quasi-slasher masterpiece "Maniac" two years prior. Whereas "Maniac" delineated the the delusions of a mentally ill loner with a compulsory drive for murder - "The Last Horror Film" is a much less absorbing look at obsessive psychosis and focuses more on satire. Spinell is pretty much playing the same Frank Zito character again, though with a lighter "edge" that wraps around a handful of mediocre death scenes and redundant though opportune film references from '81.

Spinell plays a New York cabbie whose fixation on an extremely attractive scream queen sends him to the Cannes Film Festival where he convinces himself he is going to make a brilliant film starring his unknowing love-interest. One thing the infatuated buffoon didn't count on was the virtual inaccessibility of such a top-rated starlet so it only seems necessary for those keeping him from meeting her to die horribly... while being filmed.

The film is rife with stupid humor and the annoyingly repetitive fantasies of the whacked out, aspiring film maker. Spinell rocks it, however, but what would you expect? His tweaky, bug-eyed ramblings are so genuine that they simply never get old. Another thing that I decided I loved about 10 minutes after the movie had ended was the ending. It's so fucking retarded and makes absolutely no sense with approximately a dozen "twists", yet it punctuates the film perfectly and left me with a smirk which hadn't happened throughout the entire movie.

A few other things that I found mildly interesting was the way they tied in Scorsese's "Taxi Driver" (which, most know, Spinell appeared in) into the film by mentioning the John Hinkley assassination attempt (another prime case of celebrity obsession taking an ugly turn) and the fact that Joe Spinell prances around in drag on one point. Witnessing that nightmarish display, I didn't know whether to laugh, scream, look away, or throw acid in my eyes.

"The Last Horror Film" is worth watching for Joe Spinell and a pretty constant stream of tits popping up (namely within the first thirty seconds!!) Still, I'd advise anyone to just watch William Lustig's "Maniac" again instead...

The Flintstones: A XXX Parody (2010, Will Ryder)

Well, "The Flintstones: A XXX Parody" isn't the kind of thing that is a wild stretch of the imagination or something that you really need to see to believe. I mean, how many live-action goddamn Flintstones movies have they released so far? The concept of these cartoon characters being played by actual flesh and blood actors is nothing new. I guess all we had left was to see these characters fucking...

It begins with Fred Flintstone (with emo hair) at work where he falls asleep on his dinosaur and dreams of Wilma and Betty bumping tacos and sixty-nining for a while. Fred comes home and meets Wilma's old school chum - a caveman with full tattoo sleeves. Fred's a bit jealous and expresses this to Barney while preparing to scoop up a huge pile of Dino shit. Barney then tells him of he and Betty's last of night of sex, which we see in a 20 minute sex sequence that ends with Barney dumping his load on her twat before pushing it into her with his remaining chub and saying something about making another Bam-Bam... The possibility of conceiving a child in a porno doesn't quite sit well with me, but I'll give it a pass. An 18 year old Pebbles comes home that night and fucks Bam-Bam in her room in a surprisingly short scene ending with a nice facial. The next day, Fred's boss gives him a lecture before fucking the sexy black secretary...

You get the idea. Pretty standard porn parody with hokey lines, actors unfit for the parody game (the Betty character was a little fat) and decent enough sex scenes... I found it interesting that the Fred Flintstone actor's name in the credits was Peter O' Tool...

Piano Teacher, The (2001, Michael Haneke)

I am in no way an authority when it comes to the films of auteur Austrian director Michael Haneke as far as what they are suppose to mean, exactly, which is what precisely draws me to his each of his various works. In fact, that is the reasoning behind my admiration for oblique art-house cinema. The 1997 psychological trepidation known as "Funny Games" was my first exposure to Haneke's unique style of lingering suspense and characters tangled in formidable sexuality. "The Piano Teacher" is a bit different - shifting gears from German to French speaking actors and, instead of a torturous home invasion, the film details a deeply bizarre love affair...

"The Piano Teacher" is yet another prime example of the film maker's subdued approach to extreme mental instability - centering around a dentist... nah, it's actually a piano teacher of all people. She lives with her elderly, domineering mother and has a very similarly imperious attitude toward her students. Her means of "unwinding" is quite peculiar - such as hanging out in porno booths and sniffing the jizzy tissues from the waste basket... Clearly, she is a 40-something year old virgin whose uterus has shriveled up and died, leaving her a sexually unfulfilled shell with a definate screw loose. When a young male student takes a romantic interest in her, all of her pent up sexual quirks come to light, resulting in inevitable tragedy...

The performances are all completely solid, the pacing is good (though probably not rapid enough for all tastes), and the story spirals unexpectedly into a "climax" involving a truly sordid liaison, incest and sexual violence that makes for one of the most interesting female pervs I have seen on celluloid since Ilsa, probably. The final scene is very odd, yet it's a nicely poignant (though abrupt) wrap-up... Michael Haneke is not a man whose known for his upbeat endings. When all is said and done, your not going to know which character to feel sympathy towards, if anyone. Maybe everyone.

If you haven't experienced "The Piano Teacher" than you're in for a treat!

Night of the Living Jews (2008, Oliver Noble)

Oh cool! Another "Night of the Living Dead" parody! I need more of those like I need my balls cut off. So what just so happens to be the funny gag this time? Hmmm... Jews? Well alright. It's only 20 minutes... And 20 minutes later I STILL don't fucking get it!!

The premise is simply what the title insists: zombie-jews prowling around a rural area and you need pork to kill them. Plus, their "jew curls", when detatched, crawl around like worms. It's a one-joke concept that is never ONCE funny or even slightly amusing. Don't believe me? The "production company" is called HEEB. There is no rhyme or reason for "Night of the Living Jews" to exist. It didn't even have the balls to be offensive. It's just dumb. 'Nuff said...

Hallucinations (1986, The Polonia Brothers)

 

"Hallucinations" is one of the earliest films available by John and Mark Polonia. It was made around the time their break-through effort, "Splatter Farm", was released by the Donna Michele company for the VHS rental market. "Hallucinations" never had an official release, though it's worth checking out it for those who appreciate the low-budget campiness of the Polonia's fairly vast lexicon.

The movie is about three brothers who begin having terrifying nightmares and visions while their parents are away. That's pretty much it...

From the looks of it, "Hallucinations" was shot in the teenage twins parents house on a shitty VHS tape that had probably been used numerous times before and then sat on a shelf for 20 years. Most of the home-made effects are obviously laughable (namely the big worm that was constructed from flexible plastic tubing and paint) and the one kid trying to pull of a mentally retarded intonation sent tingles of second-hand shame down my spine. Still, the brothers' avidity and love for the horror genre is ever evident which makes the film competent enough to sit through for it's hour long runtime. There's a few amusing gore scenes, (albeit, ones that are cheesy as fuck!) such as a dude shitting a knife, a guy wrestling with a deranged fetus, and some disembowelment.

Overall, you can do a whole lot worse with shot-on-video horror than most of the Polonia Brother's micro-budget library. If you can spot this one on the special features on "Splatter Beach", give it watch and try to enjoy...

Rabid Grannies (1989, Emmanuelle Kervyn)

Cool Belgian splatter flick. Nothing real special, but definately an easy one to get into.

"Rabid Grannies" is simply about a grab bag of estranged, wealthy relatives who visit two old broads for their birthday. After the arrival of a mysterious box, the old biddies transform into a pair of demons who begin killing off each of the family members...

Can't call this the best thing to ever be released by Troma Entertainment, but it's a decent "Evil Dead" knock-off. The effects are nothing to shit yourself over, but there's plenty of splattery gore on tap - just make sure you see it in it's uncut form. Butchered version ain't worth a shit! There's some funny stuff, like a fat dude getting his ass chewed apart (literally) as well as a pretty ballsy child murder/dismemberment. One thing - I'm not sure why the hell it's called "Rabid Grannies". There's no hint of rabies, whatsoever. It should've been called "Possessed Grannies" or, maybe, "Demonic Hags" would have been good...

So, again, entertaining flick. Not entirely a comedy, as the title asserts, though it still doesn't take itself too seriously. Fun gore-fest.

Cannibal (2006, Marian Dora)

"Cannibal" is a flick that far exceeds any expecatations you may have. It's some truely sickening, graphic shit - based on the true crime committed by German killer Armin Meiwes. Meiwes was a gay man who sent out an internet post wanting a man who would allow consent to be consumed. His ad got a response and what you see in the film is pretty much what happened, more or less...

After picking up his new "friend" at the train station, the two head back to the home of The Man (the name given to the Meiwes character in the film). There, they have rough gay sex and partake of tons of uncomfortable homo love intereaction before the cannibalization commences... The Man begins by cutting off his victims dick (after trying to bite it off, to no avail) and frying it up on the stove. They attempt to eat the cooked cock, but it doesn't quite sit well with the disfunctional duo so the victim pretty much bleeds to death before being butchered for an elaborate dinner...

The gore seen in "Cannibal" is incredible and nauseatingly reaslistic. There is literally a 15+ minute scnene at the end that, in detail, shows the process of gutting and mutilation a corpse. The castration scene is also very hard to watch. Other than that, the whole film is shot is a dark, art-house sense which helps keep the film extremely grimy and keeps the violence from being at all gratuitious. Honestly, "Cannibal" is one of the few films I've seen that actually effected me in an all new way of leaving me feeling like I needed to shower. I had when people use that old "shower" line, but it certainly applies to me, personally, when it comes to watching "Cannibal". The one thing that I didn't like all that much about "Cannibal" was all the constant cock on display. It's not a 'fault' towards the movie, itself. Just me. I mean, there is seriously NON-STOP cock and gay situations going on in this movie starting early on! I wish I could say I didn't find it bothersome, but I'd be lying...

If you're into hard-hitting gore and insanely disturbing subject matter, "Cannibal" is a flick you can't pass up. Once you see it, it's a hard one to shake off...

Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983, Joe Dante, John Landis)

I used to watch "The Twilight Zone" show as a kid. In re-runs of course and due to my lack of existence in the decade in which it began, I was unable experience the series freshly. That didn't hold me back from enjoying the classic episodes (as well as the redundant ones) throughout my childhood years and up until I discovered the movie...

"Twilight Zone: The Movie" is an arrangement of four stories seen in the original series, remade by four different directors. The first segment (as well as the lazily hacky prologue) was directed by John Landis and is about a transparently hard-core racist who steps out of a bar and into multiple sections of history involving war and hatred. The second (Spielberg directed) revolves around a retirement home in which elders find their 'inner child'. Third, from Joe Dante: a child with unlimited wishes terrorizes his family. Fourth and final, by George Miller, is the classic "Terror at 20,000 Feet" story...

I advise anyone interested in this movie to immediately skip to the fourth segment, since it is really the only portion of the film with any kind of tension or horror/sci-fi ambition. John Lithgow nails it as the paranoid airline passenger and the cramped atmosphere, as well as the partially obstructed view of the maniacal creature purposely tearing away at the engine, is very well done. The Landis story is a "don't be a bigot" PSA that really doesn't leave any kind of impact once it finally ends. There is no direction in the story and the "moralistic" bullshit doesn't quite work. Spielberg's boring geezer segment is pretty much a whimsical children's fable without a trace of payoff. Dante's is alright. His includes some neat effects and over-the-top acting which I enjoyed. Still, it comes and goes with little satisfaction.

As far as "Twilight Zone: The Movie" goes, all you really need is the airplane segment and go and check out Vic Morrow's infamous helicopter death online and leave it at that...

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark (1973, John Newland)

Call me crazy, but I just didn't get into "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark". I can understand most people's nostalgic appreciation for this early 70s made-for-TV horror film, yet I'm compelled to disagree with any claim that the creatures seen in the movie are the least bit frightening.

Kim Darby plays the wife of a prominent business man who is obsessed with his work. They move into a new inherited mansion, which they are constantly referring to as a "mess" which made no sense. Upon checking out the basement, the wife takes a liking to the space and is excited about turning it into a study. The only problem is the fireplace happens to be sealed in brick and the old handyman seems insistent that she keep it that way and quit asking questions... She does, however, manage to unbolt the ash compartment, thus releasing a gang of soul-stealing gnomes that proceed to lurk around, through the home's darkened crevasses, torturing the poor woman with ominous whispering and unexpected appearances...

"Don't Be Afraid of the Dark" has some good bits of suspense and a fitting atmosphere to go along with it's title that provided a decent tone of eeriness here and there. As previously stated - where the film went wrong was in the creature design. They are like dwarfish monkeys with little walnut heads. I couldn't find them creepy. Looking at them, all I saw was nothing but room for improvement.

Despite all this, the film did a lot right in the way of moody lighting and leaving you with plenty of burning questions by the ever-talked about ending.

My final ruling is: decent enough. But hey, the cult fanfare speaks for itself from those lucky enough to find nostalgic significance in the film.

Tourist Trap (1979, David Schmoeller)

Unfortunately, "Tourist Trap" was one I didn't get around to checking out until my adult years. Quite a shame since it clearly seems like a film that would quickly shatter a small child's psyche and scar him for life. That only happened later when I became an alter boy... Where have you been "Tourist Trap"?

Sort of a prelude to the slasher genre that just kicking off around the time, "Tourist Trap" thrusts you into the action right off the bat and literally never lets up until the hilarious final shot of the film. Classic horror set-up already in progress as a group of young friends find themselves with car trouble out in the middle of nowhere. After what can only be described as one of the most memorable opening scenes of 70s horror, the stranded young people get a ride the nearby wax museum for some help. There, they meet a seemingly kind old widower who warns them to steer clear of the adjacent house where his brother Davey apparently resides in solitude. Surely enough, they naive travelers wind up grappling with Davey and ultimately become part of his mannequin collection. Davey, however, is not your standard backwoods psychopath. He happens to possess telekinetic powers which enable him to bring his mannequins to life and do his bidding...

Think "Carrie" combined with "Texas Chainsaw Massacre". The killer in "Tourist Trap" looks a lot like Leatherface with is creepy puppet mask and girlie wigs. For PG rated horror flick, "Tourist Trap" brings forth a surprising amount of violence (no nudity) which clearly just goes to show how times have changed over the past 30 years. Not only are PG rated horror films socially unexceptable, but you can't even get a good head stabbing in a PG-13 flick these days! Anyway, I digress... There's a pretty cruel scene in which the killer slathers a woman's face with plaster, gleefully relishing in her struggle and eminent suffocation. Chuck Connors is great in his role and Tanya Roberts is insatiably yummy!

"Tourist Trap" is a very creepy, bizarrely humorous, and undeniably classic film that slasher aficionados will certainly cream their shorts over... 8.5/10

Society (1989, Brian Yuzna)

Brian Yuzna kicked off his subsequently unsubstantial directing career with a surprisingly effective bit of 'body horror' with a sarcastic social message. As most horror fans know, Yuzna served as a producer on the original "Re-animator", which "Society" corresponded well with in terms of ultra-black comedy, though "Society" blows "Re-animater" away, as far as I'm concerned...

The film follows a 17 year-old kid who belongs to a rich, Beverly Hills family whom he feels strongly disconnected from. He tells his psychiatrist that he has an aberrant fear of his family and their high-class community. With the help of an even more paranoid school mate, he learns that his family is involved in an incestuous, malignant plot to take down the lower-class population...

Unlike the "Re-animator" films - which are undeniably entertaining though highly over-rated, in my opinion - "Society" has a more elaborate and less customary meaning than what many would commonly expect when sitting down to straightforward horror film formalities. When the final 'shunting' scene hits, you've got rich folks sucking the flesh from some poor schmo and cruelly fist-jamming him through the anus. If that don't say it all... The effects are very cool and highly imaginative. The ass-face character is such a memorable image, as is the woman with the arm-legs. I'm not sure what these effects are representative of, if anything, but I'm sure it applies in one way or another... The shit's just classic!

"Society" is certainly Brian Yuzna's most ambitious film and a definite treat for 80s horror-comedy lovers who feel the need for something with a bit more of an essence of relevance as far as communal ranking and paranoia. Highly recommended, to say the least! 7/10.

Insidious (2011, James Wan)

In these trying times of theatrical horror catastrophes that are not nearly popping up as frequent as they once have, I have pretty much steered clear of visiting the cinema and have completely stopped following current films that hit the big screen. Horror on the big screen has hit it's lowest point and nothing of any interest to me, personally, has graced the silver screen in quite some time (Scream 4 and the Roommate can continue to do without my listless eyes for the rest of my life time, as far as I'm concerned)...

"Insidious" was one that I was going to pass up - having no real investment in this modern torrent of redundant ghost/haunting films that are created for mass appeal. It wasn't until I incidentally started hearing some pretty positive words on the film that I thought it may be worth seeing (considering my sources are usually accurate). With high hopes, I watched "Insidious" in a relaxingly empty theater and had my expectations irrefutably met.

A family moves into a new house and the wife/mother is greeted with a series of ghostly encounters after her young son falls victim to an unexplainable coma. Strange whispers are heard on the baby monitor, faces are seen peering through windows, and deformed intruders lurch from darkened areas. Even after they relocate residences, the terrifying phenomenons still occur. It isn't until they call in a pair of ghost-hunters along with a psychic medium that they become aware of the true reasoning behind their nightmarish situation...

Out of all the remakes of Asian ghost films that have come out over the years, "Insidious" happens to be an original concept from James Wan (Saw, Dead Silence) and is truly the most effective of it's kind in recent years. The premise (even throughout the critically despised third act) remains simple enough to hold your attention while focusing on genuinely creepy images instead of your typical, yawn inducing Nacy Drew Mystery type shit. Many different apparitions appear during the film - such as an old woman, a young boy, and a red-faced demon. This certainly makes for a chilling "ride" that keeps you wondering what the hell kind of figure is going to show itself next. The scene in which the mother sees the child dancing to "Tip Toe Thru' the Tulips" through the window of her home is oddly frightening. When it comes down to the one character passing through into "The Further" to rescue the child, things become a tad more complicated, though uniquely and unexpectedly surreal and nightmarish for this kind of film. It ends with an exciting climax and a pretty cool twist ending that left me satisfied. I'm not sure what some people's problem was with the final act - if maybe it was too "out there" and less ingrained. Frankly, I found this portion of the film extremely tense and hypnotically bizarre in an unapologetically enigmatic kinda way.

All I can think to say, in closing, is that don't be fooled by the promotional ads and quick-edited trailer. "Insidious" is a surprisingly eerie ghost flick that will surely captivate you like no film of it's kind in years! 7/10.

My Sweet Satan (1994, Jim Van Bebber)

If I'm being truthful, I'm a little nonchalant when it comes to the works of Jim Van Bebber. I fully respect his plight as an independent film maker and his total commitment to veneering his films to the best of his ability on a completely shoe-string budget. At this point, I've seen all of his notable works and, in terms of his short film repertoire, "My Sweet Satan" is pretty top notch.

Based on the true events of Ricky Kasso - a small time suburban drug dealer with a callow infatuation with satanism - this short film reenacts the murder of a fellow heavy metal inspired satanist kid carried out due to him lifting money off of the respected (and feared) drug dealer...

The acting is piss poor, which is what you'd typically expect from a Van Bebber film since non-actors are typically used. "My Sweet Satan", however, conveys a rather strong facade of realism that adequately assimilates with the actual events that transpired. The fact that the victim screamed "I love my mother" in response to his command to say "I love Satan" by his attackers is included as well as Ricky hanging himself in his jail cell. The gore is suiting for a 20 minute short and the infamous head stomping is nicely gruesome and grisly as well as the stabbing that commences prior. Van Bebber (though no "actor") come across well as the lead maniac, Ricky, and his haircut is laughably shitty.

"My Sweet Satan" is certainly my favorite Jim Van Bebber short and a definite classic among indie cult horror... 7.5/10.