Last Horror Film, The (1982, David Winters)

"The Last Horror Film" was Joe Spinell's triumphant return to serial killing after his quasi-slasher masterpiece "Maniac" two years prior. Whereas "Maniac" delineated the the delusions of a mentally ill loner with a compulsory drive for murder - "The Last Horror Film" is a much less absorbing look at obsessive psychosis and focuses more on satire. Spinell is pretty much playing the same Frank Zito character again, though with a lighter "edge" that wraps around a handful of mediocre death scenes and redundant though opportune film references from '81.

Spinell plays a New York cabbie whose fixation on an extremely attractive scream queen sends him to the Cannes Film Festival where he convinces himself he is going to make a brilliant film starring his unknowing love-interest. One thing the infatuated buffoon didn't count on was the virtual inaccessibility of such a top-rated starlet so it only seems necessary for those keeping him from meeting her to die horribly... while being filmed.

The film is rife with stupid humor and the annoyingly repetitive fantasies of the whacked out, aspiring film maker. Spinell rocks it, however, but what would you expect? His tweaky, bug-eyed ramblings are so genuine that they simply never get old. Another thing that I decided I loved about 10 minutes after the movie had ended was the ending. It's so fucking retarded and makes absolutely no sense with approximately a dozen "twists", yet it punctuates the film perfectly and left me with a smirk which hadn't happened throughout the entire movie.

A few other things that I found mildly interesting was the way they tied in Scorsese's "Taxi Driver" (which, most know, Spinell appeared in) into the film by mentioning the John Hinkley assassination attempt (another prime case of celebrity obsession taking an ugly turn) and the fact that Joe Spinell prances around in drag on one point. Witnessing that nightmarish display, I didn't know whether to laugh, scream, look away, or throw acid in my eyes.

"The Last Horror Film" is worth watching for Joe Spinell and a pretty constant stream of tits popping up (namely within the first thirty seconds!!) Still, I'd advise anyone to just watch William Lustig's "Maniac" again instead...

The Flintstones: A XXX Parody (2010, Will Ryder)

Well, "The Flintstones: A XXX Parody" isn't the kind of thing that is a wild stretch of the imagination or something that you really need to see to believe. I mean, how many live-action goddamn Flintstones movies have they released so far? The concept of these cartoon characters being played by actual flesh and blood actors is nothing new. I guess all we had left was to see these characters fucking...

It begins with Fred Flintstone (with emo hair) at work where he falls asleep on his dinosaur and dreams of Wilma and Betty bumping tacos and sixty-nining for a while. Fred comes home and meets Wilma's old school chum - a caveman with full tattoo sleeves. Fred's a bit jealous and expresses this to Barney while preparing to scoop up a huge pile of Dino shit. Barney then tells him of he and Betty's last of night of sex, which we see in a 20 minute sex sequence that ends with Barney dumping his load on her twat before pushing it into her with his remaining chub and saying something about making another Bam-Bam... The possibility of conceiving a child in a porno doesn't quite sit well with me, but I'll give it a pass. An 18 year old Pebbles comes home that night and fucks Bam-Bam in her room in a surprisingly short scene ending with a nice facial. The next day, Fred's boss gives him a lecture before fucking the sexy black secretary...

You get the idea. Pretty standard porn parody with hokey lines, actors unfit for the parody game (the Betty character was a little fat) and decent enough sex scenes... I found it interesting that the Fred Flintstone actor's name in the credits was Peter O' Tool...

Piano Teacher, The (2001, Michael Haneke)

I am in no way an authority when it comes to the films of auteur Austrian director Michael Haneke as far as what they are suppose to mean, exactly, which is what precisely draws me to his each of his various works. In fact, that is the reasoning behind my admiration for oblique art-house cinema. The 1997 psychological trepidation known as "Funny Games" was my first exposure to Haneke's unique style of lingering suspense and characters tangled in formidable sexuality. "The Piano Teacher" is a bit different - shifting gears from German to French speaking actors and, instead of a torturous home invasion, the film details a deeply bizarre love affair...

"The Piano Teacher" is yet another prime example of the film maker's subdued approach to extreme mental instability - centering around a dentist... nah, it's actually a piano teacher of all people. She lives with her elderly, domineering mother and has a very similarly imperious attitude toward her students. Her means of "unwinding" is quite peculiar - such as hanging out in porno booths and sniffing the jizzy tissues from the waste basket... Clearly, she is a 40-something year old virgin whose uterus has shriveled up and died, leaving her a sexually unfulfilled shell with a definate screw loose. When a young male student takes a romantic interest in her, all of her pent up sexual quirks come to light, resulting in inevitable tragedy...

The performances are all completely solid, the pacing is good (though probably not rapid enough for all tastes), and the story spirals unexpectedly into a "climax" involving a truly sordid liaison, incest and sexual violence that makes for one of the most interesting female pervs I have seen on celluloid since Ilsa, probably. The final scene is very odd, yet it's a nicely poignant (though abrupt) wrap-up... Michael Haneke is not a man whose known for his upbeat endings. When all is said and done, your not going to know which character to feel sympathy towards, if anyone. Maybe everyone.

If you haven't experienced "The Piano Teacher" than you're in for a treat!

Night of the Living Jews (2008, Oliver Noble)

Oh cool! Another "Night of the Living Dead" parody! I need more of those like I need my balls cut off. So what just so happens to be the funny gag this time? Hmmm... Jews? Well alright. It's only 20 minutes... And 20 minutes later I STILL don't fucking get it!!

The premise is simply what the title insists: zombie-jews prowling around a rural area and you need pork to kill them. Plus, their "jew curls", when detatched, crawl around like worms. It's a one-joke concept that is never ONCE funny or even slightly amusing. Don't believe me? The "production company" is called HEEB. There is no rhyme or reason for "Night of the Living Jews" to exist. It didn't even have the balls to be offensive. It's just dumb. 'Nuff said...

Hallucinations (1986, The Polonia Brothers)

 

"Hallucinations" is one of the earliest films available by John and Mark Polonia. It was made around the time their break-through effort, "Splatter Farm", was released by the Donna Michele company for the VHS rental market. "Hallucinations" never had an official release, though it's worth checking out it for those who appreciate the low-budget campiness of the Polonia's fairly vast lexicon.

The movie is about three brothers who begin having terrifying nightmares and visions while their parents are away. That's pretty much it...

From the looks of it, "Hallucinations" was shot in the teenage twins parents house on a shitty VHS tape that had probably been used numerous times before and then sat on a shelf for 20 years. Most of the home-made effects are obviously laughable (namely the big worm that was constructed from flexible plastic tubing and paint) and the one kid trying to pull of a mentally retarded intonation sent tingles of second-hand shame down my spine. Still, the brothers' avidity and love for the horror genre is ever evident which makes the film competent enough to sit through for it's hour long runtime. There's a few amusing gore scenes, (albeit, ones that are cheesy as fuck!) such as a dude shitting a knife, a guy wrestling with a deranged fetus, and some disembowelment.

Overall, you can do a whole lot worse with shot-on-video horror than most of the Polonia Brother's micro-budget library. If you can spot this one on the special features on "Splatter Beach", give it watch and try to enjoy...

Rabid Grannies (1989, Emmanuelle Kervyn)

Cool Belgian splatter flick. Nothing real special, but definately an easy one to get into.

"Rabid Grannies" is simply about a grab bag of estranged, wealthy relatives who visit two old broads for their birthday. After the arrival of a mysterious box, the old biddies transform into a pair of demons who begin killing off each of the family members...

Can't call this the best thing to ever be released by Troma Entertainment, but it's a decent "Evil Dead" knock-off. The effects are nothing to shit yourself over, but there's plenty of splattery gore on tap - just make sure you see it in it's uncut form. Butchered version ain't worth a shit! There's some funny stuff, like a fat dude getting his ass chewed apart (literally) as well as a pretty ballsy child murder/dismemberment. One thing - I'm not sure why the hell it's called "Rabid Grannies". There's no hint of rabies, whatsoever. It should've been called "Possessed Grannies" or, maybe, "Demonic Hags" would have been good...

So, again, entertaining flick. Not entirely a comedy, as the title asserts, though it still doesn't take itself too seriously. Fun gore-fest.