Felidae (1994, Michael Schaack)

"Felidae" is definitely a rare breed of animated film (in terms of this movie, that's actually a pun, so I'm gonna roll with it...), having a pretty substantial budget for the time, but completely indulging what you could consider an intellectually astute adult fan base... With talking cats. And unlike the culturally satirical works of Ralph Bakshi (i.e. "Fritz the Cat"), "Felidae" is a totally straight-forward, heavily involved, neo-noir murder mystery.

After having moved into a rundown shithole house with his literary - yet slovenly - owner, a savvy cat gets himself caught up in a curious string of cat killings popping up around the city. It's thought that the culprit may be linked to an enigmatic lab-cat, used for grotesque and torturous experiments...

That's basically the short-form rundown on this flick, as I must admit, it's extremely hard to follow. From what little I've looked up on this, it's based on the first of a series of novels about murder and cat vs. human drama. Now I didn't hate this movie at all, despite how incredibly convoluted it is - though, in my defense, I think the German language element might've tripped me up a bit, as far as my relatively loose grasp on the whole plot went. There's apparently a scientist trying to form a new breed of cat, an evil cat cult who worships electric volts, humans becoming cats (I think), a cat prophet and more.

Based on it's visual merits, "Felidae" is a VERY cool animated flick. The animation - while not up to Disney standards or anything - is fluid, detailed and full of a unique charm. There are a few crazy dream sequences that are hypnotically hellish and gruesome. Speaking of which, this is a fucking violent flick! We're talking cats ripped to shreds - one of which is shown with a litter of fetal kittens spilled out of it's eviscerated mid-section. Another has it's brain melted with acid. Badass.

So, yeah, overall I wouldn't go so far as to call this film is "brilliant" like a lot of other people have raved - mainly because the plot goes so deep that it ended up kinda losing me. However, it's a great looking piece of animation and is definitely much darker and more 'graphic' than some other notable animated films with a politically driven narrative, such as "Watership Down" and the 50s "Animal Farm" adaptation.

Freakshow (1989, Constantino Magnatta)

"Freakshow" is a somewhat obscure anthology flick that tries to go for some horror-comedy elements, but fails on every conceivable level. It's probably one of the worst of it's kind I've seen.

It's starts off with a down-and-out former usher gunning down movie-goers outside of the cinema he was recently fired from. His mass-murder is followed by his suicide and the soulless, on-scene media coverage. The hot female reporter's cameraman apparently has a strong moral stance against exploiting tragedy for news ratings and tells her to get a cab home (cuz apparently news camera guys call the shots). As she's trying to get a ride home, she comes across the owner of some kind of freakshow exhibit, where the highlight attraction is a jarred mutant with mind control capabilities. This causes her to visualize four pointless stories - the first one about a junkie who kills his dealer for a bag of dope, only to have a poodle run off with it, leading to a big, goofy chase. Second is about a dorky pizza delivery guy who is sent to a 'spooky' address full of hot, demonic nymphos. Third is the old gag involving a paralyzed-but-conscious person presumed dead on an autopsy slab. Fourth and final is about two gravediggers who are hired by a slutty widow to steal cemetery dirt for her ex-husband's swanky golf course. This obviously enrages the dead...

None of the segments are even the least bit clever or amusing. If I had to pick, I'd say the dirt dealers story was the best, but that's like picking a favorite hemorrhoid. It's all just so pointless and corny that I honestly can't even understand why/how this movie was ever made. And it's easily got the most idiotic wrap-around story ever used in an anthology flick. Terrible piece of shit movie.

Cabin Fever: Patient Zero (2014, Kaare Andrews)

I always thought the first "Cabin Fever" was a decent enough debut effort from a relatively 'hack' horror film-maker and I wound up digging the sequel for the most part, despite it's heavy flaws. Now the series continues with this third installment - dragging what was already a not 'great' franchise into completely second-rate shit territory.

A remote island research facility off the Dominican Republic has obtained 'patient zero' of the devastating flesh-eating virus outbreak and is containing him for a potential cure. While this is going on, a boat-load of douchebag bachelor partiers show up, thinking the island is the ideal secluded party spot. After two of them go snorkeling and find a cluster of dead fish remains, they become infected with the highly destructive strain of skin-melting bacteria that promptly puts the kibosh on their party plans...

This thing is just completely standard, boring horror retread garbage. The amount of cliches featured in this shit is staggering and the plot is so full of holes that it's pretty much impossible to get into. Of course, the infected people are starting to act like undead zombies. It was only a matter of time before they went that route and the whole 'twist' ending was overly convoluted and dumb - giving a sense that this movie was taking itself a bit too seriously. Also, there were way too many people pronouncing certain unattainable consonants without fucking lips which bothered me, as well as an impossible gun-related demise that is too annoyingly cartoonish and ridiculous to let slide. The only redeeming moment was someone getting their skull caved in with a huge, black dildo. Oh, and "Rudy" is in it so... that's cool, but it doesn't make up for the lack of Giuseppe Andrews' 'party cop' character. Overall though, "Cabin Fever: Patient Zero" sucks a dick.

Nymphomaniac (2013, Lars Von Trier)

I'm pretty much on the fence when it comes to Lars Von Trier's films, as they've been sorta hit-and-miss with me. I've only seen a few of his flicks - "Antichrist", "Dancer in the Dark" and "The Idiots"; "Antichrist" being my favorite, however, I don't think his 'style' is really my kinda thing, I guess. I'm always left with the feeling that his movies are just missing something important that keeps them from leaving much an a lasting impression on me. "Nymphomaniac", volumes 1 and 2, is Von Trier's attempt at an "epic" done with his usual 'flair' for more 'graphic' sexual sequences and themes...

It starts with a woman being found by an older man in a back alley after having been severely beaten. He brings her home to allow her to recoup, which leads to the divulgence of her story about how her rabid nymphomania destroyed her life. From her younger days of competing with her friend to see who can fuck more guys on a train, to coincidentally reconnecting and building a life with the guy who casually took her virginity as a teen. Her sex addiction eventually leads to her covetous relationship with an S&M 'specialist' and, oddly enough, her involvement in mob-tactic debt collecting...

My rundown is pretty general, seeing as how this is a 4+ hour film as a whole, but that's about it - the life and times of a nympho. Now, anyone familiar with Von Trier's films would have to certainly agree that the guy makes a hell of a good looking flick and "Nymphomaniac" is no exception. It's a beautifully shot film with great cinematography and a dark elegance to many of it's symbolic visuals n' whatnot. There's no doubt that Von Trier is right on the money when it comes to his films' visual nature, as it typically stands out to me as the overall strong point of his work. Where this movie just didn't "hit" with me was the story. And it's not that it was completely boring or overly long (which, it IS fucking long!), but more of the fact that it always just seems that Von Trier is relying primarily on gimmicks and taboo's that are common in "underground" NC-17 films these days. It's the whole pretentious ''art film' masquerading as potential 'smut'' (or the other way around, perhaps) that other film-makers such as John Cameron Mitchell and Vincent Gallo have since imitated. Of course, these are the 'non-porno' films that contain scenes of more 'hardcore', unsimulated sex that garner large hipster followings for the fact that they get to argue the aesthetic merit that apparently overrides the 'graphic' content to those who apparently don't understand, in turn, making them play out their faux-cinema expertise dickheadedness. Not that certain movies can't contain 'harder' sexual material that accompany a noteworthy storyline or any other good qualities. Hell, it's no mystery that I adore films featuring 'explicit' shit and will usually do whatever I can to seek out the most fucked up examples of that brand of film. However, these types of movies - "Shortbus", "9 Songs", "Intimacy", etc. - seem based on conceitedly "blurring that line" between 'porno' and 'art' that it just gets distracting. I can't speak for everyone, but, personally, I'm not SHOCKED by a 'mainstream' movie showing unsimulated sex scenes. And in the case of "Nymphomaniac" and shit like Gallo's "The Brown Bunny", it doesn't make the movie any more interesting, as far as I'm concerned. Either go BIG with the shocking sleaze or just simply focus on the plot.

Anyway, now that I got that long-winded bullshit out of the way... "Nymphomaniac" isn't a bad flick, by any means. I know Lars Von Trier has his following and I know that I don't really fit into that category, though I gotta give him props on his terrific style and all of the performances for being pretty stellar. Again, the 4 hour runtime is a little... MUCH and shit doesn't really get "good" until Volume 2. Von Trier fans will surly jizz themselves over this and, while I thought it was well shot and acted, it really didn't do much for me. Kudos for making one of the longest NC-17 flicks out there, but it was neither sleazy enough, nor able to hold my interest enough. The Uma Thurman scene and the African DP scene were funny, though.

Pray (2014, Claudio Ellovitch)

Pretty cool experimental short film out of Brazil that follows some kinda Christ-like guy as he wanders through a hellish city full of devastation and deformity. Along the way, he has a deep religious experience as he is whipped by some evil old guy (again, in a very Jesus-y kind of manner) and is approached by a loving, angelic woman before he is beheaded by the old dude...

As a 15-minute short, "Pray" is a stylishly 'trippy' film that offers up some cool, morbid visuals and some decent effects, from what I could make out. It reminded me quite a bit of the films of Andrey Iskanov and Karim Hussain. Overall, a good 'arthouse'-horror short.

Water Power (1977, Shaun Costello)

Easily, "Water Power" ranks as one of the finest samplings of XXX-"roughie" filth out there. I'm also convinced this is the best 'story' idea ever shaped into a film...

A voyeuristic degenerate hits up a sex club one night where he is, at his own request, familiarized with the process of administering a colonic. He takes an immediate liking to the whole practice and perception of cleansing a woman's "dirty" insides. Once equip with his own enema kit, homeboy takes to the streets - determined to flush out those nasty "whores", starting with his neighbor, whom he sees getting boned by her boyfriend. Following this violating water-rape, the cops are on the trail, but the Enema Bandit isn't done. He spots two sisters eating each other out and decides to help 'em out by filling their bowels with fluid at gunpoint whilst subsequently getting his rocks off...

Plenty of blow jobs, some full-on sex, and of course, rectal water-spray! None of it is arousing in ANY sense, but I assure you it's all so ludicrous that it's hard not to laugh at. Jamie Gillis plays the insane, sleazy, misogynist enema-obsessed nut job exceptionally well and needs to be commended for being able to spank his monkey in bathtubs of brown water... That's legendary, if you ask me! Check out "Water Power" if you want a ridiculous and nasty 70s horror-porno oddity...