Blood Valley: Seed's Revenge (2014)

As with a few of his more recent, non-video game adapted films, I enjoyed Uwe Boll's serial killer flick, "Seed", more than most. As far as Boll's body of work goes, the BAD definitely outweighs the good, overall, but I've dug a few of the more mean-spirited movies he's done in the past few years (Postal, Rampage). He only served as an executive producer on this sequel which, regardless of how much you hate the first, makes THAT look like "Citizen Kane". "Blood Valley: Seed's Revenge" - aka. "Seed 2: The New Breed" - is a new level of shittiness.

A group of bimbos are on an RV trip from Vegas, back to Chicago, when they experience some engine trouble in the desert. They end up falling into the clutches of Max Seed and his sadistic family who live in the desert and partake in religious, sacrificial rituals for some reason...

The major problem with this one is that the "story" is constantly jumping all over the fucking place - starting with the ending, then transitioning  out of NOWHERE to the beginning... then somewhere in the middle, then PRE-trip, then back to the end and so on and so forth. Why did they do this? Who the fuck knows, but it's beyond annoying and kills any kind of fluidity this shit-pile could've had. Not that a completely linear 'timeline' of events would've made this GOOD, but it would have made it at least a tad more watchable. Every actor sucks - except, maybe for Seed, who is just a big guy in a mask who is given only one guttural line - and the violence/gore factor is surprisingly 'light', aside from a gun barrel rape/murder which was nothing special (and is shown twice...). "Seed 2" is a completely worthless and amateurish shitfest.

Angel Guts: High School Co-ed (1978)

Decided to check out some of the "Angel Guts" series lately and I can't say I'm all that impressed with this first installment. While it seemed pretty original and contained some notably harsh scenes of sexual violence, it was just too convoluted to really get "into" for me.

A gang of dirt bike street hoods with some kind of ties with the Yakuza get their kicks by attacking and brutally raping young women. When they start taking an interest in abducting a school girl, one of the thugs starts worrying about his own little school girl sister - who is oblivious to his sadistic lifestyle - and her possibly getting mixed up with his crew of perverted psycho friends...

There's several standout rape scenes - the train yard scene being especially grim - but there's quite a bit of this movie that drags. Can't say that I totally didn't like this premier entry in the "Angel Guts" Roman porno series, but it could've been tightened up a little in spots where it gets preeminently muddled. For the most part, however, it's well shot and has it's strong points of school girl abuse. Mildly recommended.

He Took His Skin Off For Me (2014)

"He Took His Skin Off For Me" is a romantic 'body horror' short (about 12-minutes long...) that tries to artistically blend 'black comedy' with a poetic narrative and practical FX work. I'd say it's an ambitious enough effort...

In an extreme act of devotion, a guy skins himself, entirely, for his chick. She digs it and they carry on with their day-to-day lives - having sex, going to work, throwing dinner parties, etc. Eventually, he starts missing his flesh (that he keeps hanging in the bedroom closet...) and begins resenting his ol' lady.

It's a well shot short and the muscle tissue FX are decent - though I don't think he would actually still have lips or eyelids, but I guess there's only so much you can do without going the digital route so, oh well. I'll give them props for that, but I can't say it's quite on par with Frank from "Hellraiser" or anything. Still, this one's worth seeing. Your chick will probably dig it.

Female Teacher: In Front of the Students (1982)

I've only seen a few select entries in the Nikkatsu "Female Teacher" series, thus far, but "In Front of the Students" would definitely be the best of those few. Quality sleaze with a decent enough story-line is the name of the game.

The hot, young new teacher is having a hard enough time gaining the respect of her pupils and it doesn't make matters any better when she is violently raped and water tortured in the faculty locker room. He attacker leaves behind a jigsaw puzzle piece so she searches around for anyone who might be into puzzles... Along the way, she is raped again by a male teacher and held captive by a troublesome student and his freaky, bisexual girlfriend for a long holiday weekend...

"Female Teacher: In Front of the Students" is an entertaining and sleazy pinku flick that keeps things pretty erotic as well which is a-ok in MY book. Ya got a few scenes of soaped up lesbian shower action, tennis ball abuse and a puzzle-obsessed perv living out his lustful dream with the teacher. Gotta love the Roman porno world - it's nothing but rapey creeps and slutty teachers! This one gets a hearty recommendation from this satisfied viewer. Gonna definitely have to hunt down the rest of the series...

Dead Snow: Red vs. Dead (2014)

I definitely dug the first "Dead Snow" - maybe not as much as some people who seemed to think it was a bit more "fresh" then it actually was, but it was certainly one of the cooler zombie flicks to have come out in recent years. Following that film's success, director Tommy Wirkola did some big studio take-off on Hansel and Gretel that I haven't seen (and probably will never...) and about five years after the first has drummed up a sequel to his zombie hit...

It picks up right where the original left off with the surviving guy from the undead Nazi mountain massacre being pursued by Colonel Herzog and his army after discovering that he still had that gold piece on him. During a high speed struggle, he crashes his car and wakes up in the hospital in police custody for the murder of his friends (apparently the zombie Nazis left absolutely NO trace...) and the commander's severed right arm surgically adhered to his own dichotomized stump. He escapes from the hospital, teams up with a group of zombie nerds and a gay museum clerk to defeat the growing army of zombies.

While I can't say that "Dead Snow 2" is better than the first - I still enjoyed it a lot. Maybe I just haven't sat through a zombie-comedy in a while, which sorta softened my 'take' on them. I don't know. Must be, cuz this one is MUCH more of a comedy than the first movie and, I must say, very few of the gags really 'landed' for me. From what I've heard, a lot of people hated this one for the fact that it was a much more Americanized continuation - with English speaking Norwegians and quite a few American actors thrown in. And also for the fact that 98% of the movie contains absolutely no snow. I definitely take issue with the latter, since I think the idea of 'snow zombies' is what made the first "Dead Snow" so 'stand out'. The sequel is set, primarily, in a much greener and more populated area, the Nazis have a war tank and the power to reanimate the dead with a magical touch is introduced as a variation of the 'getting bitten' artifice. There's also a glaring attempt at baseless and mean-spirited 'shock value' by showing a number of children - including infants and their mothers - and people in wheelchairs being slaughtered by undead Krauts. To be honest, I didn't have a hard time accepting all this and, to my own surprise, enjoyed the flick quite a bit. It delivers on the gore and gut-spilling and you have an all-out battle of Russian and German zombies so I can't rightfully nit-pick the small shit, here. If you hate zom-coms (I'm not a huge fan, myself, usually...) then you should avoid "Dead Snow 2", but if you're in a laid back mood for some dopey splatter, I'd recommend giving it a shot.

Cold Hard Cash (2007)

"Cold Hard Cash" did absolutely nothing for me. I understand it's a short - close to only 20-minutes - but it really hit me as just a poorly made and boring pseudo-Grindhouse attempt.

Two tattooed dykes steal a suitcase full of money from a crime lord and once they realize it doesn't contain the amount they thought, they fight each other to the death over it...

From the looks of it, they thought having two Suicide Girls fuck each other with a strap-on could carry this virtually plotless short, seeing as how that consists of the bulk of this flick. It's not and other than that, there's nothing going on here. I guess they were trying for some kind of Tarantino-esque, 'badass chick' type of 'gritty' crime film set-up, but it just falls flat, which was surprising, again, considering the short run-time. Ah, well...