The Babysitter (2017)

Once in a while I like to blow the dust off the ol' Netflix and see what's crackin'. I put on "The Babysitter" for the hell of it - having no qualms with shutting it off if I wasn't feeling it. I'll say, while I found quite a bit of this one's 'meta'-horror/comedy schtick annoying and, overall, not my 'thing' usually, it was actually watchable.

An awkward 12-year old boy who seems to be afraid of everything and is picked on by neighborhood bullies seems to have only one thing going for him: his hot babysitter. When his parents head to a Hyatt for a few days, he's left in her sexy care and they pal around until he's sent to bed and decides to see what she does after he's 'asleep'. He spies her with some friends in the living room, playing a not-so innocent game of spin-the-bottle before some unexpectedly 'dark' and violent shit starts going down - placing him in the center of a black magic blood-ritual that he must fight his way out of.

Some of the goofiness gets a bit tiring, while some of it works a little better at times. Again, I'm not into this kind of snarky, pop-culture heavy humor blended with horror. Otherwise, the movie is shot pretty damn well - with cool, colorful lighting and interesting camera work in spots. There's a few 'okay' gore scenes and a finale involving a muscle car that I admittedly did not see coming. "The Babysitter" is nothing great, but a passable throw-away flick if you're bored and cruisin' Netflix.

No One Lives (2012)

I actually saw this one a while back and am JUST remembering to review it. Either I'm slipping in my old age or this is an immensely forgettable film...

A couple who seem to be having relationship issues are relocating through the country where they are accosted by a gang of criminals at a rural steakhouse. The man seems unintimidated by the goon's taunting, yet the couple are soon blindsided and abducted on the road by the thugs and are taken to their backwoods hideout. The captors quickly learn that they aren't up against the usual, out-of-towner yuppies and that the 'boyfriend' is actually a psychotic and proficient killer.

"No One Lives" COULD have been so much better, but I just found it hard to get in to and incredibly corny. The guy playing the victim-turned-aggressor was unconvincing and the frequent one-liners from all the other characters kept me rolling my eyes. There's a bit of gore here and there, but nothing to get excited about. This flick just came across as poorly directed and shittily paced to the point where I found myself having a hard time paying attention. Just a weak and badly made movie, in all.

Masters of Horror: Dance of the Dead (2005)

Tobe Hooper's first Masters of Horror offering was pretty good, though a little too condensed considering the elaborate premise.

"Dance of the Dead" is adapted from the 1954 short story of the same name, written by the great Richard Matheson, about a post-apocalyptic future that has been mostly wiped out by a biological weapon during the devastating WWIII of 2008. A teenage girl meets a group of junkie-punk freaks and tags along for a night of rowdy partying around the bleak wasteland. They end up at a nightclub called The Doom Room where Robert Englund is hamming it up as the MC. The main stage act happens to involve a few victims of the bio-gas whose zombie-like twitches are boosted by cattle prod abuse, thus entertaining the crowd with the aptly named Dance of the Dead... 

As I'm finally getting around to watching a lot of these Masters of Horror episodes, I've really been digging the minimal restraint and personally characterized styles that all of these well known genre directors managed to work into some very awesome one hour films. However, "Dance of the Dead" is one that I felt needed a little room to breathe due to the material Hooper was working with here. The whole family background thing, combined with Englund's character needing blood to survive - it all sort of lacked necessary explanation and depth. Still, the movie has a neat, flashy visual carriage and good performances all around. This is an entertaining MoH installment.

Jeepers Creepers 3 (2017)

Being dragged through 'production Hell' for close to a decade really took its toll on the long awaited third installment in the "Jeepers Creepers" saga. What can start as a potential "comet" can gradually break apart when a script is kicked around, delayed, rewritten, etc. enough, until it's a mere pebble by the time it finally 'lands'. That seems to be the case with the incredibly shitty "part 3".

The Creeper is back and reeking havoc on a small farm community. Being familiar with the creature and it's intentions, the sheriff is determined to stop the Creeper's onslaught once and for all...

As far as the "Jeepers Creepers" movies go - I enjoyed the first one for the most part - of course preferring the first half before it shed its unique and effectively mysterious 'tone' for all the gargoyle shit, while the second one I don't recall liking all that much. This third entry, however, appears to be a strong case of, "Well, we've been talking about making this for 8 or 9 years and every fucking thing has gone to complete shit so let's just slap something together already". It's revealed that this one takes place between the first two movies, but, because of that, it really doesn't further the story at all. There were talks of this one giving us some glimpses into The Creeper's origins... There's none of that. There's a severed hand that, when touched, shows people in the movie presumably crazy shit (based on their anguished expressions), but not the audience. I guess WE have to wait for part 4? Great. Also, the amount of excessively dramatic dialog in this movie is astoundingly ridiculous and quite often hilarious. Nearly every verbal exchange - even when completely unwarranted - is over-the-top 'intense' and usually involves yelling. The familiar truck we know from these movies almost becomes a character in itself, having been rigged with booby traps - many of which appear materially impossible. I think they're trying to hint at the truck being ALIVE, which I didn't particularly like.

Anyways, I think I've expounded enough on many of the main reasons this movies sucks. Maybe if they can get their shit together and get a solid fourth JC film off the ground; they can pull this franchise out of the shit it's now clearly stuck in. I WILL say, though, this one is worth a laugh if you're drinking with some friends and want some unintentionally humorous fodder to laugh at.

Masters of Horror: We All Scream for Ice Cream (2007)

Tom Holland (director of Child's Play and Fright Night) brings some 'melt movie' fun to the Masters of Horror series with this entertaining entry.

Former childhood friends - now middle-age men - are mysteriously disappearing around their home town. All that seems to turn up in their place are big pink puddles of goo. We learn that they were involved in an 'incident' that lead to the tragic, accidental death of a beloved ice cream vendor, named Buster, years ago. Now, Buster's back for revenge and is using his killers' children against them.

This one's obviously got a strong "Nightmare on Elm Street" influence, only with the generational victims angle 'flipped'. William Forsythe pulls off the retarded, voodoo pop-slingin' clown role surprisingly well; a far cry from his usual 'tough guy' parts we're most used too which is definitely a credit to his acting prowess. The effects are a bit hit-or-miss - of course, the more practical stuff looking pretty damn good, namely the scene of the hick melting in the bath while some of the CGI is a bit lacking. The story isn't brimming with originality, but overall, "We All Scream for Ice Cream" is a cool one outta the MoH series.

Class of Nuke 'Em High (1986)

Keeping with the successful recipe of toxic calamities befalling the town of Tromaville, "Class of Nuke 'Em High" definitely falls short of the "Toxic Avenger" grade, but still provides the usual brainless fun of a Troma feature.

Tromaville's nuclear power facility has a meltdown, causing toxic waste to find its way into the nearby high school. The effects of the contamination vary among the students - turning the honor society into a wild, over-the-top gang of miscreants, called the Cretins, and making a nerd go ballistic and launching himself out of a two-story window of the school. A group of friends buy some toxic weed from the Cretins (who of course scored it from a trusted source at the power plant) for an indoor beach party, leading to even more bizarre after effects and complete chaos throughout Tromaville High...

"Class of Nuke 'Em High" is one of the better Troma flicks and - while certainly crazy and intentionally ridiculous - I don't find it as 'offensive' and entertaining as other, more notable films in their library. I still can't help but have a good time with this one. There's some stupidly funny moments, some okay gore, gratuitous tits, a totally '80s 'vibe' and the Cretins are pretty awesome - definitely the movies highlight. At the end of the day, though, this one's just kinda 'okay' in my book. Not as re-watch worthy for me as most seem to find it.