Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Flesh Target: Rape (1979)

"Flesh Target: Rape" is a solid and mean-spirited 'pinku' entry. Not exceeding much in terms of 'style' or its overall story-line - which is more or less run-of-the-mill for this type of thing - but in how it presented the outcome of its main character.

A sexually embittered and short tempered office drone sets out to rape his most 'favored' female co-workers. The negative repercussions of his abusive behavior are nonexistent and, oddly, his success at work seems to grow when one of his victims with powerful ties becomes hot for him...

I'll give this one props for the nihilistic idea of the star sexual predator actually coming out on top as a result of violently assaulting young women, which definitely ups the 'offensive' nature of an already harshly toned film. Up until this point, however, there's nothing really out of the realm of your straight-forward 'pinker'. You got a wide spread of rapiness, some girl-on-girl sixty-nining, and some silly 'lighthearted' music thrown in at odd times. All in all, "Flesh Target: Rape" isn't the best of the best, by far, but one fans of these types of flicks should certainly check out.

Saturday, January 27, 2018

Gayniggers from Outer Space (1992)

Despite the title, you're not going to get anything all that 'sleazy' - nor a raucous gay-fest - out of "Gayniggers from Outer Space". This short film is a spoof of '70s 'blaxploitation' with a homosexual-sci-fi 'spin'.

A space crew of "gayniggers" from the planet Anus - an all-male/gay utopia - are traveling the universe in search of other worlds in need of female eradication. They come across Earth and begin beaming each other down to various countries - 'death rays' in hand - to rid the planet of women and create a 'perfect' gay world.

Pretty amusing short, overall. The "gaynigger's" encounters with the Earthy "female creatures" are humorous in how they depict chicks as completely oppressive and how the Earth-men are immediately grateful for the 'help' when the females are dissolved by cheesy ray-gun effects. In all, this one's a decent watch that is, again, nothing as 'outrageous' as the title may allude. Still worth a look if you dig un-PC stuff.

Friday, January 26, 2018

Penance (2009)

Incredibly weak 'found-footage' torture flick that may, honestly, be some of the worst of its kind. This makes "The Butcher" look like top-shelf shit in comparison.

To help pay her sick kid's medical bills, a 24-year old single mother is recording her audition for some kind of reality show, I guess. In the meantime, however, she has her stripper friend coach her on how to dance for quick cash. They do a few private parties (all of which are recorded...) before the friend is beaten by a client and needs her protege to take her place for a high-paying gig in a secret location for an unknown guy. She reluctantly goes and is held captive by some insane religious wackos who are attempting to 'rehabilitate' sex workers in an abandoned mental hospital.

As is usually the case in these types of movies, the hand-held 'gimmick' is unreasonably prevalent considering the situations presented. The cameras are always positioned perfectly and there's even a music score that pipes in a few times that destroyed any potential 'realism' the movie was trying to suggest. Also, many of the scenes are much too drawn out and dull and there's very little in the way of carnage or anything even impactful, for that matter. Tony Todd is in the movie for, what had to be, 25 seconds, while Michael Rooker is in it a tiny bit more, here and there, but is WAY underutilized. The only thing "Penance" had going for it was good looking women who do some stripping in the beginning. The rest of this movie is a total bore-fest.

Thursday, January 25, 2018

Masters of Horror: The Screwfly Solution (2006)

What a terrific end-of-the-world concept "The Screwfly Solution" is - based on a short story, penned by Alice Sheldon back in the '70s. It's certainly rife with social commentary, regarding gender-relations and mass panic.

A bizarre new murder trend kicks up in the Southern region of the U.S. in which women are being killed at an exponential rate. This violent progression seems to be steadily making its way North and is determined to be a sickness that afflicts men; chemically replacing affection and attraction for women with murderous hatred. During this, we follow a disease expert who's trying to convince government officials that they're most likely dealing with biochemical warfare. All while his wife and daughter are forced to keep a safe distance from him, as he has rejected medicinal neutering - the only known 'cure' for this open season on females.

Pretty grim stuff from director Joe Dante. There's some considerably 'strong' scenes of violence - one involving strippers being brutalized onstage as well as a woman-hating 'uproar' on an airplane. The mass hysteria tone is handled effectively and the story feels particularly thorough and well paced for clocking in at only an hour, as these Masters of Horror installments do. "The Screwfly Solution"is definitely up there as one of the strongest of this series.

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Drainiac (2000)

"Drainiac" is a shoddily made, though somewhat amibtious, low-budget crap-fest. Despite the one or two things that almost had potential, the movie is ultimately a bore.

A teenage girl is forced into helping her asshole dad fix up an old house out in the woods to be 'flipped'. He leaves her with the grimy grunt work and heads into town, so her friends (along with an annoying dickhead tag-along) drive up to keep her company and help out. They eventually catch on to a 'water demon' inhabiting the house's pipes and attacking through drains so an exorcist shows up to rid the house of its liquid evil...

How shitty is this movie? I swear, in the first three minutes of this thing an actor walks into a boom mic that is fully in the shot. FULLY. Another terrific blunder involves someone exiting the frame, accidentally kicking the camera's tripod causing the shot to wobble and actually saying "oops". In no way did this seem to be intentional based on the overall 'tone' of the movie. The acting is godawful, the effects are cheesy as hell - with a lot of 'reverse' shots of water and rubbery creatures around the end. In all, I guess there's enough here to laugh at if you're in the mood for something to mock. Otherwise, "Drainiac" is a pile of shit.

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

The Wife Collector (1985)

"The Wife Collector" is a pretty damn dark and sleazy 'pinku' flick. I wasn't able to follow the Japanese dialog that, unfortunately, wasn't accompanied by English subs, but this one looked fairly straight-forward so I don't think I missed too much.

A cab driver has a perverted 'hobby' of kidnapping and raping his female passengers while video tapping it for his personal home 'collection'. He ends up rigging his car with a camera, monitor and knock-out gas so he can do all of his rape and recording right in the comfort of the backseat. Things take a turn, however, when his girlfriend finds out about his violent antics and decides to start some sexual degeneracy of her own as a form of payback...

This one is definitely FAR from plot-heavy and keeps the sleaziness flowing strong. A few scenes go into some pretty exhibitionist-territory, which I found pretty interesting. For instance, a rape scene taking place in the backseat of a cab on the shoulder of a busy freeway, non-discretely - followed up by the fully nude and stranded female victim awakening alongside the high-traffic thoroughfare. There's also a scene in which the cabbie "attacks" a woman in a dense crowd of urbanites. In all, "The Wife Collector" isn't one of the more story-driven 'pinku' films out there, but if it's just the 'nuts-n-bolts' rapey sleaze you're after than it's worth a look.

Monday, January 22, 2018

The Devil's Candy (2015)

I'd been hearing people talking favorably about this one for a while - seeing it hit a lot of 'top horror movies of the year' lists so I figured it was finally time to get my distrusting ass in gear and check it out. I'm glad I did, cuz "The Devil's Candy" IS a pretty damn cool horror flick.

A metalhead painter moves his wife and pre-teen daughter into a country-home that is, of course, remarkably affordable due to some past murders that took place there. While getting settled in, the dad begins hearing hellish chanting in his mind that put him in trance-like states while unwittingly painting progressively dark and evil shit. All the while, the previous resident of their rural abode is roaming the area, ALSO hearing devilish voices in his head (which he tries to drown out with loud guitar playing), that seem to be forcing him to abduct and dismember children. Shit comes to a head when he sets his sights on the daughter.

"The Devil's Candy" ultimately succeeds in steering clear of many tired horror cliches you'd expect in a set-up like this. The movie gives off some serious "Amityville Horror" vibes up 'til a certain point, but manages to maintain a healthy amount of originality and tension. Thankfully, the 'supernatural' element isn't over-played and hokey so the movie is able to come across as a bit more "real" and focus more on the characters than your run-of-the-mill ghostly "boo"-scares, which I liked. I also dug the musical 'theme' of the movie, being primarily metal, which actually works well in how it's incorporated. "The Devil's Candy" is a surprisingly cool and entertaining flick. Check it out.

Sunday, January 21, 2018

Tag (2015)

"Tag" goes full-force with the surreal Japanese 'mindfuckery' to the point where I don't even really know what to say on it. It's engaging enough, I thought, but there was no wrapping my head around what is ultimately going on in this movie.

Two busloads of schoolgirls are obliterated by a malevolent wind, except for one girl who is chased by the murderous force through the woods before making her way to school. There, she meets up with her friends who are as casual as ever and don't seem too affected by the survivor girl's hysteria. They cut class and head to a lake where they discuss alternate realities, which is obviously what is going on here, seeing as how, when they return to school, their teachers start murdering the students. From there, the surviving girl finds herself in even more parallel existences that I won't go into detail of - each one weirder than the next until shit comes to a bizarre 'conclusion'.

As deliberately complex as this movie is presented, I was able to enjoy it for the most part, based on its weirdness and sporadically splattery gore. The video game shit and naked guy with the red feathers at the end totally lost me, though, and there's a few pretty lengthy lapses in gore scenes. If you're up to watching this flick just be forewarned that it's convoluted as fuck, but still watchable for what it is on a visually creative level.

Saturday, January 20, 2018

Masters of Horror: The V Word (2006)

"The V Word" is a decent, if not a tad conventional, Masters of Horror effort, written by Mick Garris.

Two teenage friends decide to pay a late night visit to the local funeral home for the thrill of seeing the body of a recently deceased schoolmate. They find the place dark and seemingly free of workers, but they start freaking out when they hear music playing, find themselves locked in, and shit starts moving around when they're not looking. The presence behind these mysterious happenings soon makes himself known and goes about turning the boys into blood-starved ghouls, like himself...

Not a bad vampire story, overall; just not at all a contender for my top favorites of the Masters of Horror series. It's enjoyable enough, though, and Michael Ironside steals the show as he's apt to do in virtually anything he's in. "The V Word" is okay.

Friday, January 19, 2018

Gravy (2015)

For me, "Gravy" exemplified all the worst elements that can be found in the stalest of modern 'meta' horror-comedies. This shit tries SO fucking hard with its ironic, laid back brand of 'humor' that it becomes a serious chore to get through.

A trio of costumed psychos hold the staff of a Mexican restaurant captive on Halloween night. Their mission is to carry out their yearly 'tradition' of gorging on human meat - which they force the establishment's chef to prepare for them in gourmet fashions...

I can't see it being a mere coincidence that the lead captor is played by an actor who is also a McPoyle brother on the show, "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia", while another actor is audaciously doing a total Charlie Day impression throughout the whole fucking movie. As much as I like that show - the way this movie was trying to mimic its look and humor style was incredibly annoying and completely missed its intended 'mark'. The protagonists are all dull and unamusing (as well as TYPICAL) stereotypes and the antagonists are doing the casual/deadpan "Oh, well THAT just happened..." type of delivery that gets just fucking painful. The only real positive thing I can say about "Gravy" is that the gore and make-up effects are pretty good at times. Otherwise, I'd advise anyone with a glimmer of intelligence to steer clear of this moronic drivel. Instead, go check out the "Gang Gets Held Hostage" episode of "Sunny". It's basically the same premise and is actually entertaining.

Thursday, January 18, 2018

All Through the House (2015)

Not a bad Christmas slasher flick, I was surprised to find. It's nothing earth shattering and is highly unoriginal, but it keeps the kills coming at a pretty good clip so I was kept fairly entertained throughout.

Three chicks are helping a crazy old lady neighbor decorate her home for Christmas as a Santa-clad killer, with garden shears as his weapon of choice, prowls around town offing people. He eventually makes his way to our main characters and we close out with the usual 'final girl' shit...

The 'reveal' in the end is beyond predictable and rips off "Sleepaway Camp" quite a bit. The characters are devoid of likability or personality (the ginger boyfriend was totally unnecessary...) and the film greatly lacks the holiday 'feel' due to the snowless California locale. The killer, however, is cool looking with his haggard Santa mask with the crazy hair and the kills are bloody and plentiful - the very first one in the movie being the definite stand-out. "All Through the House" was better than I expected, though nothing great. Worth a look for those into holiday horror.

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Masters of Horror: Right to Die (2007)

The director of the original "Wrong Turn" throws his hat into the Masters of Horror ring with "Right to Die". I dug this one for the most part. Couldn't help but think that, with a little tweaking here and there, this one could make for a pretty cool full-length feature.

While driving up to their cabin to reconcile after some newly discovered infidelity, a couple run into a fallen tree in the road and roll their car into the ditch. The wife is flung from the vehicle and her gasoline-drenched body catches fire. Cut to the hospital - the husband lucked out with minor injuries while his ol' lady is charred from head to toe. While it seems like he may have gotten the 'long end of the stick', he's still a dirty rotten cheater and the Mrs. - even while clinging to life - knows it. So, every time she happens to flat line, her ghost shows up before her unfaithful hubby with intent to kill, but keeps being revived by hospital staff just before vengeance can be served up. The husband figures this out quick and, along with his typically sleazy lawyer (who seems to have other, more greedy ideas concerning the matter),  tries his damnedest to keep her alive until a skin transplant can be solidified.

I definitely liked the concept of this one. There's also a good amount of nudity (one scene containing world-class tits and that's no joke!) and the skinless body effects are very well done. Hell, even the CGI looked pretty damn good. While I don't consider Rob Schmidt a "master", I'd say "Right to Die" is a very solid short.

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Ghost Shark (2013)

I'm not generally into the cheap-ass, made-for-TV 'sharksploitation' shit that pretty much air weekly on the Sci-fi/Syfy channel, but I've had "Ghost Shark" on hand for a night I was feeling particularly 'thoughtless' about my movie viewing. The concept behind this one  is about as retarded as one could imagine, though, I must say, it's definitely a step above those virtually unwatchable "Sharknado" movies.

A pair of rednecks out on a charter boat kill a great white as revenge for it devouring their $30,000 prized catch. A mystical cave, in which the shark swims to just prior to dying, allows the shark's ghost to continue on and feed. And there you have, Ghost Shark...

The 'angle' they take with this one is that the translucent Ghost Shark can exist anywhere there is water, such as swimming pools, bathtubs, toilets and, at one point, a child's Slip 'N Slide (best scene, by the way). Ghost Shark even finds his way into a water cooler and is drank by some unlucky bastard... So, yeah, "Ghost Shark" is as idiotic as you would expect from a movie about a fucking ghost shark that launches out of puddles and eats people (I didn't think ghosts eat, but I guess ghost sharks do...), so I can't say I was 'disappointed', nor can I say I was shockingly entertained. But if you gotta see a movie about a ghost shark than you might as well check out "Ghost Shark".

Monday, January 15, 2018

Daddy's Little Girl (2012)

As far as I know, I'm not a parent, though I can see any father of a young child getting behind the shit that ultimately transpires in this film. "Daddy's Little Girl" is a terrific revenge flick from the merry ol' down-under land of Oz with very FEW punches pulled!

The day after her sixth birthday, a man's daughter is abducted from her bedroom and turns up brutally murdered shortly thereafter. Over six months pass and he's no less grief-stricken as he's trying to cope and carry on with his life, all while the investigation is turning up very little information as far as suspects. However, some incidental clues happen to come his way, revealing to him the identity of his little girl's killer. From there, he goes about inflicting some bloody payback through various, homemade torture apparatuses on the pool table in his basement...

Where "Daddy's Little Girl" totally nails it is in the heart-wrenching portion of the film dealing with the father's loss and his hopelessness in the prospect of seeing justice served. We get a great sense of the brutality behind the daughter's murder (as well as other young victims of this sadistic bastard, as written in his 'diary') so when things shift into torture-mode you're completely on board with the enraged father and his vengeful plans. From this point there's some pretty unflinching acts of eye-for-an-eye brand pain-infliction; involving a "knee splitter", some tubing/barb-wire 'treatment' (prepare to clench...) and much more. Some pretty damn effective and cringe-worthy stuff of tap in this one, though there's enough substance and development to the set-up to keep the film from ever coming across as overtly 'exploitative'. Highly recommending "Daddy's Little Girl"!

Sunday, January 14, 2018

The Babysitter (2017)

Once in a while I like to blow the dust off the ol' Netflix and see what's crackin'. I put on "The Babysitter" for the hell of it - having no qualms with shutting it off if I wasn't feeling it. I'll say, while I found quite a bit of this one's 'meta'-horror/comedy schtick annoying and, overall, not my 'thing' usually, it was actually watchable.

An awkward 12-year old boy who seems to be afraid of everything and is picked on by neighborhood bullies seems to have only one thing going for him: his hot babysitter. When his parents head to a Hyatt for a few days, he's left in her sexy care and they pal around until he's sent to bed and decides to see what she does after he's 'asleep'. He spies her with some friends in the living room, playing a not-so innocent game of spin-the-bottle before some unexpectedly 'dark' and violent shit starts going down - placing him in the center of a black magic blood-ritual that he must fight his way out of.

Some of the goofiness gets a bit tiring, while some of it works a little better at times. Again, I'm not into this kind of snarky, pop-culture heavy humor blended with horror. Otherwise, the movie is shot pretty damn well - with cool, colorful lighting and interesting camera work in spots. There's a few 'okay' gore scenes and a finale involving a muscle car that I admittedly did not see coming. "The Babysitter" is nothing great, but a passable throw-away flick if you're bored and cruisin' Netflix.

Saturday, January 13, 2018

No One Lives (2012)

I actually saw this one a while back and am JUST remembering to review it. Either I'm slipping in my old age or this is an immensely forgettable film...

A couple who seem to be having relationship issues are relocating through the country where they are accosted by a gang of criminals at a rural steakhouse. The man seems unintimidated by the goon's taunting, yet the couple are soon blindsided and abducted on the road by the thugs and are taken to their backwoods hideout. The captors quickly learn that they aren't up against the usual, out-of-towner yuppies and that the 'boyfriend' is actually a psychotic and proficient killer.

"No One Lives" COULD have been so much better, but I just found it hard to get in to and incredibly corny. The guy playing the victim-turned-aggressor was unconvincing and the frequent one-liners from all the other characters kept me rolling my eyes. There's a bit of gore here and there, but nothing to get excited about. This flick just came across as poorly directed and shittily paced to the point where I found myself having a hard time paying attention. Just a weak and badly made movie, in all.

Masters of Horror: Dance of the Dead (2005)

Tobe Hooper's first Masters of Horror offering was pretty good, though a little too condensed considering the elaborate premise.

"Dance of the Dead" is adapted from the 1954 short story of the same name, written by the great Richard Matheson, about a post-apocalyptic future that has been mostly wiped out by a biological weapon during the devastating WWIII of 2008. A teenage girl meets a group of junkie-punk freaks and tags along for a night of rowdy partying around the bleak wasteland. They end up at a nightclub called The Doom Room where Robert Englund is hamming it up as the MC. The main stage act happens to involve a few victims of the bio-gas whose zombie-like twitches are boosted by cattle prod abuse, thus entertaining the crowd with the aptly named Dance of the Dead... 

As I'm finally getting around to watching a lot of these Masters of Horror episodes, I've really been digging the minimal restraint and personally characterized styles that all of these well known genre directors managed to work into some very awesome one hour films. However, "Dance of the Dead" is one that I felt needed a little room to breathe due to the material Hooper was working with here. The whole family background thing, combined with Englund's character needing blood to survive - it all sort of lacked necessary explanation and depth. Still, the movie has a neat, flashy visual carriage and good performances all around. This is an entertaining MoH installment.

Friday, January 12, 2018

Jeepers Creepers 3 (2017)

Being dragged through 'production Hell' for close to a decade really took its toll on the long awaited third installment in the "Jeepers Creepers" saga. What can start as a potential "comet" can gradually break apart when a script is kicked around, delayed, rewritten, etc. enough, until it's a mere pebble by the time it finally 'lands'. That seems to be the case with the incredibly shitty "part 3".

The Creeper is back and reeking havoc on a small farm community. Being familiar with the creature and it's intentions, the sheriff is determined to stop the Creeper's onslaught once and for all...

As far as the "Jeepers Creepers" movies go - I enjoyed the first one for the most part - of course preferring the first half before it shed its unique and effectively mysterious 'tone' for all the gargoyle shit, while the second one I don't recall liking all that much. This third entry, however, appears to be a strong case of, "Well, we've been talking about making this for 8 or 9 years and every fucking thing has gone to complete shit so let's just slap something together already". It's revealed that this one takes place between the first two movies, but, because of that, it really doesn't further the story at all. There were talks of this one giving us some glimpses into The Creeper's origins... There's none of that. There's a severed hand that, when touched, shows people in the movie presumably crazy shit (based on their anguished expressions), but not the audience. I guess WE have to wait for part 4? Great. Also, the amount of excessively dramatic dialog in this movie is astoundingly ridiculous and quite often hilarious. Nearly every verbal exchange - even when completely unwarranted - is over-the-top 'intense' and usually involves yelling. The familiar truck we know from these movies almost becomes a character in itself, having been rigged with booby traps - many of which appear materially impossible. I think they're trying to hint at the truck being ALIVE, which I didn't particularly like.

Anyways, I think I've expounded enough on many of the main reasons this movies sucks. Maybe if they can get their shit together and get a solid fourth JC film off the ground; they can pull this franchise out of the shit it's now clearly stuck in. I WILL say, though, this one is worth a laugh if you're drinking with some friends and want some unintentionally humorous fodder to laugh at.

Thursday, January 11, 2018

Masters of Horror: We All Scream for Ice Cream (2007)

Tom Holland (director of Child's Play and Fright Night) brings some 'melt movie' fun to the Masters of Horror series with this entertaining entry.

Former childhood friends - now middle-age men - are mysteriously disappearing around their home town. All that seems to turn up in their place are big pink puddles of goo. We learn that they were involved in an 'incident' that lead to the tragic, accidental death of a beloved ice cream vendor, named Buster, years ago. Now, Buster's back for revenge and is using his killers' children against them.

This one's obviously got a strong "Nightmare on Elm Street" influence, only with the generational victims angle 'flipped'. William Forsythe pulls off the retarded, voodoo pop-slingin' clown role surprisingly well; a far cry from his usual 'tough guy' parts we're most used too which is definitely a credit to his acting prowess. The effects are a bit hit-or-miss - of course, the more practical stuff looking pretty damn good, namely the scene of the hick melting in the bath while some of the CGI is a bit lacking. The story isn't brimming with originality, but overall, "We All Scream for Ice Cream" is a cool one outta the MoH series.

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Class of Nuke 'Em High (1986)

Keeping with the successful recipe of toxic calamities befalling the town of Tromaville, "Class of Nuke 'Em High" definitely falls short of the "Toxic Avenger" grade, but still provides the usual brainless fun of a Troma feature.

Tromaville's nuclear power facility has a meltdown, causing toxic waste to find its way into the nearby high school. The effects of the contamination vary among the students - turning the honor society into a wild, over-the-top gang of miscreants, called the Cretins, and making a nerd go ballistic and launching himself out of a two-story window of the school. A group of friends buy some toxic weed from the Cretins (who of course scored it from a trusted source at the power plant) for an indoor beach party, leading to even more bizarre after effects and complete chaos throughout Tromaville High...

"Class of Nuke 'Em High" is one of the better Troma flicks and - while certainly crazy and intentionally ridiculous - I don't find it as 'offensive' and entertaining as other, more notable films in their library. I still can't help but have a good time with this one. There's some stupidly funny moments, some okay gore, gratuitous tits, a totally '80s 'vibe' and the Cretins are pretty awesome - definitely the movies highlight. At the end of the day, though, this one's just kinda 'okay' in my book. Not as re-watch worthy for me as most seem to find it.

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

Baskin (2015)

Some twisted shit out of Turkey! "Baskin" is a movie I actually had to watch twice just to try to wrap my head around all the craziness this one throws out there.

A van full of cops are responding to a call when, along the way, they run into some weird shit darting past them on the road, ultimately causing them to crash. What follows is a brutal discovery in an old, abandoned police station that leads to them held captive for a violent and bizarre ceremony-type thing that is apparently a vital step in transitioning them into the next 'realm'.

I see it best not to go too heavily into the specifics of what goes on in "Baskin", as it's something you just gotta see for yourself as it unfolds. The movie starts out a bit slow, including some rather drawn out conversations among the cops and flash-backs revolving around a certain character. Shit, however, takes a drastic turn into total batshit crazy territory at one point and, from there, there's no telling what the fuck is going to happen or what exactly is going on... but it totally works! The films final act has a very strong 'tribal horror' vibe - even lifting a small chunk of music from "Cannibal Holocaust" during one particular scene of savagery. "Baskin" is a very strange and HIGHLY moody and atmospheric horror film - the kind of which that is right up my alley. There's a genuinely creepy 'tone' to the movie and the violence is nasty and effective. Absolutely recommended.

Friday, January 5, 2018

Bonehill Road (2017)

Low-budget horror maestro, Todd Sheets, delves into some werewolf territory with "Bonehill Road" and, as picky as I am when it comes to lycanthropy-themed flicks, I ended up digging this one more than many of its type I've seen in recent years.

Enough is enough for an abused mother who flees her dickbag husband and, along with her teenage daughter, hit the road to a relatives house. Along the way, every conceivable problem arises along a seemingly empty stretch of rural road - one of which being a gnarled tire, seemingly destroyed by an animal's claws, as well as a non-working mobile phone. Turns out, there's a trio of werewolves lurking around the dark and isolated Bonehill Road; thus, the two ladies are thrust into full-on survival mode. Shit gets even 'hairier' when they arrive at a house for help and stumble upon even MORE problems...

I gotta hand it to Mr. Sheets - with the shoe-string funds he was working with on this, he didn't skimp on the werewolf effects that, from what I've heard, ate up a significant chunk of an already pretty modest budget. And they actually look good! Not "American Werewolf in London" quality, but FAR better than the ones from the more recent and over-rated, "Late Phases". Another thing I enjoyed about this one was the odd turns it takes - especially one having to do with a deranged, sadistic non-werewolf character that pops up. I also liked the chemistry between the mother and daughter during this. Both of those performances were surprisingly solid. As for my main gripe, the ending felt a rushed and I didn't think the flashback was totally on point (playing catch... eh). But, I must say, it's made up for with the post-credit sequence involving a bonus werewolf transformation AND a few... "cameos". I'm giving this one a solid recommendation. It's got some gore, some cool looking werewolves, Linnea Quigley, and rolls along nicely with some unexpected 'turns'. It's like "Dog Soldiers" meets "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre".

Bonehill Road Facebook page

Thursday, January 4, 2018

Almost Human (2012)

"Almost Human" is a moderately enjoyable - if not just flat-out mediocre - 'sci-fi-slasher'.

One night, a frantic guy shows up at his buddy's house claiming that he saw another friend of his get pulled away by mysterious lights in the sky. As he's attempting to explain exactly what happened, the lights in the house start going screwy, a blaring sound emits out of nowhere, and THIS buddy disappears outside. Two years later, the frantic guy is still tweaking out over what he saw, while the still missing friend's girlfriend has moved on to a new relationship. Shit gets hairy when the missing man shows up in the woods and makes his way back to his small home town, killing and collecting unsuspecting people along the way...

There are a few pretty decent kills leading up to a good, albeit slightly cliched ending. In all, I didn't find anything here that was all that great, though "Almost Human" is far from awful. Worth a watch for some kinda fun death scenes.

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Escape from Cannibal Farm (2017)

I had seen the trailer for this one quite a while back and remember thinking, initially, that it was a gag until I did a quick Google search and found out otherwise. It seemed like Britain had gone and done their own remake of Hooper's "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" so I kept an eye out for it out of curiosity. Upon viewing this one, however... I determine that I have no idea what the fuck they were going for, here.

A family of six are on a camping trip in the British country when the mom is mysteriously set on fire in her tent and they happen upon a nearby farm for help. They're promptly attacked by a chainsaw lugging goon and his nutty father and locked up in kennels. Turns out - not surprisingly - that they are running a human meat market that is supported by the cannibal locals...

"Escape from Cannibal Farm" is an unbelievable train wreck of a movie that gets progressively worse and worse with each passing minute. The banality kicks in firmly with a 'twist' mid-way that makes no sense, considering what happened to a certain character earlier on during the initial encounter with the cannibal farmers. The Leatherface 'clone' - or as he's named here, The Boy with the Melted Face - who happens to be the best thing this movie has going for it though, ultimately, has VERY little screen-time... Which leaves us with his father whose acting is just fucking terrible! And, on top of that, he's given way too much overly dramatic dialog. The outcome of the movie is incredibly anticlimactic and convoluted - interjecting another over-actor and a pit of creatures that is as out-of-place as most everything else in this film. Aside from all the shit that doesn't make any sense (of which there is plenty more!) and horrible scene transitions (cutting from the campsite right to the family in the barn?...), this movie is just flat out boring. The majority is just people in cages and the gore level is notably low. Also, I've never seen anyone survive so long in a furnace...

"Escape from Cannibal Farm" actually started off with moderate promise - going with the family of victims, rather than young friends, ala. "The Hills Have Eyes" and going about fleshing the characters out rather well in the beginning - but promptly fell apart completely. It honestly comes close to being as big a disaster as "Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation".

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Dead Hooker in a Trunk (2009)

From what I've seen from the Soska sisters up to this point hasn't necessarily rocked my world, which now includes their directorial debut, "Dead Hooker in a Trunk". I hate feeling this way cuz I really WANT to like these kooky Canuck females who are affectionately contributing to the genre and have definitely shown some promise in the field - I just find too many problems with how their movies are structured.

Following a wild night, four nameless people discover the corpse of a prostitute in the trunk of their car and embark on a dangerous pilgrimage through sordid, junkie networks, all while trying to ditch it.

For having such a tiny budget and limited resources, Jen and Sylvia Soska did considerably well from a production standpoint. The film is shot well and contains a fairly genuine, grungy 'exploitation' tenor. The problem for me lays in the execution of the story, which comes across as a quite a bit disjointed and makes for some clunky pacing. I just found too many things that could've been cut down and other parts that actually could've been expanded upon to make the film more consistently entertaining and help the overall 'flow'. I'll still give them credit, as "Dead Hooker..." IS an ambitious first feature film effort.

Monday, January 1, 2018

Tales from the Crypt (1972)

It had been quite a few years since I'd seen "Tales from the Crypt" so it was cool to finally get around to revisiting it. This one is definitely up there as one of my favorite anthology films.

You get five stories with a wrap-around involving a group of people touring a crypt who find themselves trapped in a room with the "Crypt Keeper" (this pre-dates the puppet, for those of you who are unfamiliar...). He goes down the line, expounding to each of them their grisly fates.

The stories are all well crafted, clever and memorable - with the slight exception of the second, "Reflection of Death", which I found to be the weakest, but definitely not BAD. Joan Collins being terrorized by a deranged, Santa-clad killer after murdering her hubby on Xmas is a classic and, of course, "Wish You Were Here" which actually has a pretty damn dark and gruesome ending. Gotta love the hard-ass fucker running the home for the blind getting his comeuppance, which acts as a good 'finale' for the film. For sure a classic British horror anthology everyone should check out.