Masters of Horror: The Fair Haired Child (2006)

William Malone's "The Fair Haired Child" is definitely not one of the stand-out entries from the Masters of Horror series. I can't say I was too surprised, considering it's directed by the guy behind such "gems" as "House on Haunted Hill" and "FeardotCom".

A high school girl with considerably low self-esteem is abducted by a middle-aged couple and locked in their basement with a mute ginger boy. The purpose has to do with resurrecting their son who tragically drowned on his fifteenth birthday 12 years prior. Thus, they agreed to sacrifice someone every year to a big-headed demon in order to bring him back...

This one really felt 'off' - mainly due to poor direction and pacing. The characters were uninteresting, as was in how lead-up and back story were presented. The 'fair haired child' creature was pretty cool looking, though, so it had THAT going for it. So, yeah, I just wasn't feeling this one.

Horsehead (2014)

I was really hoping to like this one more than I did based on some pretty favorable reviews I had read a while back. Unfortunately, "Horsehead" didn't quite live up to any of the hype for me.

A young woman who is prone to dreams of a monstrous, horse-headed figure - travels back home to attend her grandmother's funeral. There, her shrewish mother and passive step-dad are storing granny's body in an upstairs bedroom where the service will apparently be held, which soon leads to her having frightening and cryptic dreams involving the dead relative. She starts drugging herself in order to induce lucid dreams, in hopes of uncovering some dark secrets surrounding her family's history...

Visually, "Horsehead" definitely delivers on the striking and nightmarish eye candy that are incredibly well shot and occasionally feature some gore and nudity. Other than this, however, the movie just feels like a mess of overly forced symbolism, dream-related metaphors and a convoluted attempt at a plot that's wedged where ever it seemed they could fit it. Some may find more within all the symbolism - of which this film is almost comprised solely of - and the surreal, metaphysical dream references, but I just couldn't get into it. Again, the look of the movie is really cool and there's some pretty damn twisted moments (lots of pregnant belly abuse!), but where it excelled in 'style', it ultimately failed in substance and story.

The Battery (2012)

What the hell took me so fuckin' long to see this flick?! Damn, this is one of the best films I've seen in a while and definitely the strongest 'take' on the apocalyptic-zombie concept to come along in quite a while.

A pair of baseball players are making their way around the rural upper-East coast, salvaging what provisions they can in the gloomy, desolate aftermath of an infectious zombie outbreak. Their conflicting personalities clash over preferred survival methods and things get even more turbulent upon coming across other non-infected survivors.

I'm keeping my synopsis kinda vague because I feel the less said about the direction this movie takes, the better for those who haven't seen yet seen it. "The Battery" is an immensely gripping movie that's driven solely on its two main characters, their relationship and struggles, and with minimal 'action'. It's done masterfully and never gets boring, despite its more low-key approach to an end-of-the-world zombie scenario. I must stress, it's not trying to be some kind of pretentious 'anti-horror', nor is it played for laughs. While it has its share of passing, casual humor, it's played straight and actually has a highly depressing tone as well. Not to mention a great use of music and is incredibly unpredictable. I straight up LOVED "The Battery" and urge you to check it out.

Christmas Evil (1980)

"Christmas Evil" is one I like to make a holiday viewing tradition out of, seeing as how it's absolutely my favorite Xmas-themed horror movie. It's always appealed to me for its 'psycho-study' layout - along the lines of Bill Lustig's "Maniac", which actually came out the same year and is the one I definitely regard as my favorite slasher film.

Following the trauma of seeing his father dressed as Old Saint Nick and groping his mom on Christmas Eve - young Harry became totally Santa-obsessed. As an adult, his apartment is packed with Christmas shit, he works in a toy factory and goes so far as to neurotically spy on and catalog the the neighborhood children's behavior in his own personal naughty/nice books. As the holiday season approaches and Harry's dismal, detached life weighs on him more and more, he begins his transformation into Santa Claus with some payback plans set for Christmas.

Can't say I would classify "Christmas Evil" as a full-fledged 'slasher' film since it doesn't start in on the body count until pretty late and just for the fact that it doesn't 'feel' like one. It more so goes about chronicling the further mental deterioration of an already disturbed guy with a big boner for Xmas. The way in which it is presented is very convincing for the most part and the guy who plays Harry does a terrific job of not over-selling the 'madness'. When the time comes for him to break out the Xmas van (emblazoned with a hand-painted sleigh motif, of course...), the film imposes some nicely conflicting sentiments of sympathy and disdain surrounding the character, as he spreads both Christmas cheer AND  bloodshed and fear on those who have in the past or DO fuck with him during his Yuletide odyssey. The scene of the asshole church-goers getting fucked up is too awesome.

 "Christmas Evil" isn't up there with films like, "Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer", or the aforementioned, "Maniac", though it IS a really cool and commonly overlooked film that also captures a bleak, yet FESTIVE 'vibe'.

Masters of Horror: Dreams in the Witch House (2005)

Stuart Gordon does what he does best: adapting some H.P. Lovecraft, of course - and it makes for a solid Masters of Horror film, overall.

A college student rents out a room in an old, rundown boarding house where he intends on studying in peace and quiet. Odd shit eventually starts turning up, like a rat with a human face, a sexy witch and a baby that must be saved, all stemming from a portal to another dimension that is situated in the corner of his room.

Well adapted premise with a bit of a 'shocker' ending, as well as some full-frontal nudity. The close-ups of the man-faced rat looked way too silly for my liking, but it wasn't enough to  kill this one for me. In all, another good one out of the MoH show.

Landmine Goes Click (2015)

I went into this one pretty blind and came out absolutely taken aback by how fucking awesome it was. "Landmine Goes Click" is a first rate 'revenge' film that builds itself as SO deliciously aggravating for the viewer (in a good way!) and ends with an orgasmic fuckin' pay-off...

Two guys and a girl are backpacking around the Georgia-Russia region. We learn through some hush-hush dialog that the girl cheated on her fiance (who appears oblivious) with the presumed 'third wheel' of their group. While being in the Georgia mountains, the back-stabbing friend unwittingly steps on an armed landmine, in turn, of course, trapping him in place out of fear of detonation. Turns out, it was a set-up and he and the girl are left to figure out a way to safely get the poor, landmine-stranded bastard out of harms way. However, a bit of an unforeseen hindrance befalls their existing struggle when a Russian man and his dog show up; not looking to be all that helpful.

Where "Landmine Goes Click" totally nails it is in the building and pacing of such grueling tension that ends up making you feel almost as frustrated as the victims of this whole ordeal as you watch their interaction with this total scumbag persist. The mountain range setting and gradual nightfall that occurs throughout the bulk of the film are extremely effective in making the whole tone of the film's second act come across as all-the-more hopeless. I'm not going to get into the final third of the movie, though it's a 'shift' in the story that I, personally, found very satisfying and provoking. Definitely check this film out! Also, if you already hate Russians this movie won't change anything...

Billy Club (2013)

"Billy Club" definitely doesn't break any new ground within the slasher 'scene', but goddammit, I ended up digging this one more than I probably should've.

Set in Wisconsin, circa '96, a group of small town friends/ former little league teammates reunite and decide to hold a drunken memorial for their deceased former coach at his secluded cabin. At the same time, a murderer decked out in catchers gear and armed with a nail-studded/retractable knife affixed baseball bat, is going around and getting even with his teammates that almost killed him 15 years prior. His vengeful sights of course end up set on the cabin inhabitants...

It wasn't so much the kills that sparked the enjoyment I got out of this one - though a few were pretty good - but more so the humor and characters which I thought worked well. It's odd, considering horror-comedies are rarely something I regard as praise-worthy and, while "Billy Club" is nothing phenomenal by any stretch, I had a good time with it. Certain parts just appealed to my particular sense of humor, which I can see not appealing to everyone. The guy tripping out on an overload of mushroom-infused chocolate and coming face-to-face with Billy is definitely the standout scene and the obnoxious, redneck douche struggling with his sexuality was pretty funny. The look of the killer is just alright (his murder weapon was badass!) and, like I said,  there are a few decent kills but they're a bit too sparse. Still, I'm giving "Billy Club" a recommendation.

Masters of Horror: The Washingtonians (2007)

A weaker entry from the Masters of Horror series, based on a story written by Bentley Little and directed by a guy whose horror credentials I failed to find among his filmography.

A man inherits his grandmother's colonial house where he moves into with his wife and young daughter. Following the discovery of a note hidden in the frame of an old painting of George Washington, containing the founding father's admission of practicing ritualistic cannibalism on children, a stir is caused among the weirdo towns folk. Turns out the family is in the midst of a community of whacked out, old occultists who stringently uphold Washington's love for human consumption while donning powdered wigs and wooden teeth, appropriately.

This one didn't flat out suck or anything, I just found the pacing a bit 'off' and it generally lacking in atmosphere, overall. The concept WAS decent enough and I liked the unexpected ending with the 'crashing' of the cannibal banquet. Had they possibly have gotten a more prominent director of horror, though, I think "The Washingtonians" may have turned out a little better, tone-wise.

Masters of Horror: Chocolate (2005)

As far as I'm concerned, the "Masters of Horror" series concept is the best thing Mick Garris has ever done so I'll respect that he had to throw a few of his own stories into the mix. Needless to say, I'm not a big fan of his, but "Chocolate" is actually a pretty good installment. While not being one of the more 'outrageous', or worthy of a 'cable broadcast ban' shorts, it's a neat little story.

We follow, via flashbacks, a bloody man's murder confession. It began with him tasting chocolate - something he doesn't eat -  then to him eventually receiving visions of a woman's life from her point-of-view. As he sees her love life become complicated and finds out that she may be connected with the murder of her boyfriend, he becomes completely infatuated with her and sets out to track her down in her native land of Canada...

Compared to the other MoH films I've seen, "Chocolate" is much more of a psychological-drama than anything all that 'horror'-related, though it proves to be a competent and nicely engaging premise. It could've gone a little stronger with the 'big finish', I felt, but I'm deeming this a passable installment in the series.

Once Upon a Time at Christmas (2017)

Some bottom-of-the-barrel, barely watchable Christmas slasher shit, right here. I have alcohol to thank for helping me ride it out to the mind-numbing, unrewarding end of this inane hunk of steaming reindeer abortion baring the idiotic title, "Once Upon a Time at Christmas".

A man and woman are posing as Santa and Mrs. Claus and running around a small town, killing its residents. All the while, the sheriff and his deputy are gathering up clues that deliberately coincide with the 12 Days of Christmas song...

Way too much time is spent on the cops trying to crack the case which pisses me off to no end because it's obvious they didn't have the financial means/know-how to pull off any decent kills so all of that is relegated to either off-screen or quick, cheap CGI blood spatter death scenes. The only potential this movie COULD have had was with the killers, however we don't see nearly enough of them to be anywhere close to entertained by how crazy they were. Instead, it's all bland teen girl shit and cops trying to figure out how the obvious clues so OBVIOUSLY tie into the stupid fucking song. This movie blows elf dick!

Masters of Horror: Jenifer (2005)

Dario Argento's first entry in the Masters of Horror series is definitely a strong one with a nicely twisted concept and bizarre air of equally twisted sexuality.

A seasoned cop spots a seemingly crazed man gearing up to murder a young woman under a bridge and saves her, rather than heeding the warning of the cleaver-wielding man that exclaims how she needs to be destroyed. Turns out, the woman, Jenifer - while having a rockin' body - is facially disfigured, almost to an animal-like extent. This doesn't stop the officer from plucking her out of the insensitive holdings of a correctional facility and putting her up in his home, much to the chagrin of his family. You see, Jenifer is a frisky bitch who has a strong, sexual hold on the helpless man and begins to destroy his life, leaving them both eventually destitute while the ferocious, hot-to-trot succubus uncontrollably mauls whomever she can get her claws on...

Along with his MoH short, "Pelts" - Argento knocks it out of the park with "Jenifer". The monstrous facial effects of Jenifer are actually pretty creepy and the narrative is tight and engaging. The outcome, however, is very predictable but it doesn't take away much, if anything. I really dug this one. Definitely ranks among my top favorites of the series.

Nightmares (1983)

Like the majority of these types of 'episodic' anthology films, "Nightmares" features some expected hit-and-miss material, but, as a whole, it's up there with one of the more solid ones I've seen.

First up was "Terror in Topanga", where an escaped lunatic is offing the residents of a coastal community. Despite potential danger, a woman slips away from her family for a desperate late night cigarette run, only to stumble upon said danger...

Next is "The Bishop of Battle" - starring Emilio Estevez as a avid gamer/arcade hustler who is obsessed with making it to the allegedly impossible 13th level of a shooter game. After breaking into his arcade hangout past closing, he finds out what this unknown stage of the game has in store for those who make it there.

Then there's "The Benediction" about a priest who loses his faith and decides to quit and move away from his rural U.S./Mexico boarder town, but is intervened by a mysterious, Hellish black pick-up truck that keeps attacking him out on a desolate stretch of desert road.

Finally, "Night of the Rat" concerns a family who seems to have a vermin problem. Turns out they are infested with a legendary uber-rat and it's pissed...

The first two segments are the best, with the third being a decent "Duel" ('71) knock-off and the fourth one not impressing me all that much. "Night of the Rat" just seemed like the slowest of the bunch and, honestly, the superimposed rat effect was really dated looking and took away from the climax for me, I'm sorry to say. The arcade one is easily the best of the four (good enough that the dated effects of THAT one didn't phase me much...), being exceptionally entertaining and the opening segment is a cool 'take' on a familiar urban legend. Maybe they could've used some kind of wrap-around story to kinda tie these together a bit, but overall "Nightmares" is an enjoyable quartet of horror stories.

Alyce Kills (2011)

"Alyce Kills" was a surprisingly decent flick. I'm glad I didn't end up passing on it based on the generic cover art.

A young woman, Alyce, hits the town with her best friend and - after some boyfriend trouble at the club - decide to get totally blitzed and score some ecstasy. While partying on the roof of Alyce's apartment building, the friend falls off and is hospitalized in critical condition. Alyce lies to police, insinuating that her distraught friend went up to the roof alone to commit suicide, which leads her into a guilt-ridden downward spiral. She begins fucking her friends' drug dealer for dope, as well as a roided out douchebag bouncer, and eventually takes to murdering those who had mistreated her friend...

This movie is more of a downbeat drama than a horror movie with not so much of Alyce killing anyone until the end. It works pretty well, however, with some good performances and a relatively 'sleazy' and dreary tone. The more gory material that comes along is actually quite nasty and cool. Recommended.

Good Time (2017)

I tend to like gritty, urban crime flicks and "Good Time" looked like something I should check out after catching a trailer for it a while back. Where I ended up on this one, ultimately, was pretty much split down the middle; finding it to have a very solid first half and a second half that fell a little short.

A New York reprobate and his mentally retarded, tag-along brother rob a bank and, after getting dye bombed and stashing the money in a pizza joint, seem to be pretty much in the clear... That is, until the slow-witted brother panics and runs from a cop, landing him in Rikers. From here, his bro who made a successful on-foot getaway sets out to free his sibling - along the way getting mixed up with some other forms of degenerate city scum through a course of chance events...

Up until a certain point - around the halfway mark, it seemed - this movie had me amply roped in, but I just found myself not quite finding the rest nearly as engrossing. The continual involvement of a certain character seemed a bit abrupt and what transpires from there just came across as far too questionable. "Twilight" star, Robert Pattinson, in - what I guess could be considered his 'breakout' role - does a decent enough job, though his character isn't given much time time to be fleshed out at all and the same goes for about every other character - namely Jennifer Jason Leigh - whose part was incredibly rushed. Overall, I was considerably disappointed with "Good Time". I feel there's a better movie in this that was lost due to iffy direction...

Mayhem (2017)

Either this movie sucks or "The Belko Experiment" raised the bar for office work-place survival-horror flicks. Could be both, seeing as how these movies are very similar in plot, as well as setting, but "Mayhem" went off in such an over-stylized and over-acted direction that it just came across as strained and irritating.

A new virus called ID-7 is making its rounds that causes its hosts to lose all their inhibitions and act totally on raw impulse - such as, say, going and beating the shit out of their boss, publicly fucking someone, and etc. Also, a murder loophole was established so a blind eye is turned in favor of those who are infected out of their mind and commit homicide. The virus finds its way into a giant law firm which is promptly quarantined while the staff is left to their own crazed devices for 8-hours as the contamination is extracted from the building. This gives a recently fired, cut-throat employee his opportunity to get to the top floor and get even with those who fucked him out of his job.

There's definitely a promising concept here - again, not unlike "The Belko Experiment", only with a mind-altering sickness afflicting a white collar work environment instead of a murder quota - but ultimately "Mayhem" just seemed to be trying too hard with the played-out narration providing introductions to all the main players, the heavily (if not IRONICALLY 'cheesy') stylized fight scenes and the incessant, inane one-liners. They just seemed to be going so far out of their way to try to be 'off-the-wall' that it just plays out as derivative and annoying, with nothing even memorable as far as violence and gore. Honestly, though, I can see some people enjoying this one, it's just not my kinda thing I guess.

The Autopsy of Jane Doe (2016)

Taking into account all of the mundane, cliche-driven, hugely ineffective supernatural-horror movies that are thoughtlessly thrown before undemanding casual film-goers for the sake of a quick weekend box office cash-grab, it's always a breath of fresh air when a supernatural movie comes along and reminds us cynics that originality IS still possible within this horror sub-genre. "The Autopsy of Jane Doe" is a very intriguing and creepy film that manages to be unpredictable and compellingly cryptic.

A father-and-son morgue outfit receives corpse of an unidentified young woman who was discovered in the basement of a house containing several brutally murdered people. Set with a strict deadline to determine the cause of death, the duo start burning the midnight oil in search of any death-inflicting indicators. As the the examination progresses, they start finding weird internal harm and abnormalities throughout the body with no external signs of trauma. Things get more and more bizarre as they come across more arcane evidence within the body that culminates into a rather chaotic outcome...

The build-up of this movie works very well in providing a creepy and 'contained' atmosphere along with pretty convincing autopsy gore effects and, ultimately, an intensely morbid conclusion. The lack of the obvious, mainstream 'devices' all too often overused in 'ghostly'/occult-themed movies was also a welcomed sight-for-sore-eyes - such as the absence of children, dolls, spooky old country homes, and the minimality of jump-scares. Check out "The Autopsy of Jane Doe" if you're craving a cool, effective horror flick!