Saturday, January 31, 2015

K3: Prison of Hell (2009)

"K3: Prison of Hell" is some pretty straight-forward exploitation-sleaze from Andreas Bethmann - at least it looked that way, considering I couldn't completely understand the German dialog.

The inmates at a female prison, located deep in the jungle, are subjected to cruel, sexual experimentations and brutal torture...

That's basically the bulk of what the flick has to offer and, based on my own particular preference in film, it felt a bit odd being so bored with something like this. I guess I couldn't help but expect a little more. It's literally scene-after-scene of blowjob-by-gunpoint, which gets a tad tiresome when dealing with a 100-minute runtime. Also, maybe if these scenes were a little more on the "rough" side it would've played out a little better for me, but it all seemed too "tame" for my liking (aside from a painful fisting attempt...). The final ten minutes or so DOES depict a nasty scene of gory torture, which was alright, but the majority of the film drags on too much without anything of interest once the third or fourth BJ comes and goes. The few decent scenes don't really make up for what a bore this one is. Bethmann has some better sleaze flicks that I've seen, but I gotta say I'm not his biggest fan, overall.

Friday, January 30, 2015

Night of the Bloody Apes (1969)

The original English title for this flick was "The Horrible Man-Beast", which makes a lot more sense, seeing as how there's only one "bloody ape" in the film and it's hardly what I would even consider an ape. It looks more like bodybuilder in a burn victim mask. Not to say that it isn't an entertaining schlock-fest, regardless...

A doctor is desperate to save his terminally ill son's life, so him and his gimpy henchman steal an ape from the zoo for a monkey-to-man heart transplant operation. Shit doesn't go that smoothly when the new primate heart transforms the boy into a burly, gorilla-faced killer that goes on a rampage throughout the city.

"Night of the Bloody Apes" is like a cross between an old Universal monster movie and an H.G. Lewis proto-gore flick. There's some pretty unyielding carnage strewn about this one - making it pretty graphic for a '60s film - as well as a touch of gratuitous nudity and some implied man-beast rapin'. They also feature several scenes of an actual heart transplant so there was definitely enough on tap here to secure this one a place on the infamous 'video nasties' list. It's an enjoyable Mexican creature movie for lovers of cheezy gore.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Premutos: Lord of the Living Dead (1997)

Some early Olaf Ittenbach shouldn't disappoint if you're into low-budget splatter insanity. "Premutos" is much gorier than his other '97 flick, "The Burning Moon" (though that infamous Hell scene fucking rules!...) and because of that, it's a fun watch.

Via voice-over narration, we get some details on a fallen angel - not unlike Lucifer - whose son has existed throughout various points in history in order to make way for this new God's imminent take-over. In present day Germany, a teenage boy ends up transforming into the demon offspring during his father's birthday party - setting off an undead army.

There's no shortage of gut-munching and heads exploding from excessive fire-power - at one point involving a tank. The premise is pretty ambitious and involved, considering that the film becomes more or less your average zombie-survival fallout. It works, though. Still, you just can't go wrong with such wall-to-wall bloodshed. The effects are good for such an obvious shoe-string budget and it stays consistently entertaining. Definitely along the lines of "Braindead". Check it out.

Monday, January 26, 2015

Blue Ruin (2013)

I really like gritty revenge flicks so I was looking forward to checking out "Blue Ruin", despite it being compared to a Coen Bros. flick, which I don't consider much of a winning endorsement. I like the Coens, I just consider them immensely overrated - especially these days. Anyway, I ended up digging this film quite a bit, though it's not GREAT by any stretch.

A homeless man, scraping by on the beaches of Delaware, receives news one day from a police officer that the man who was charged in the murder of his parents is being released from prison. He swiftly devises a revenge plot, which he orchestrates, but not without egregious flaws that puts his sister and her children in harms way of a now solidified war that has been ignited...

As for the good points, "Blue Ruin" shows a much more unidealistic take on revenge films - not going for the all-out, Death Wish-style romp, but actually a more down-to-earth, somewhat subtle approach. The main character never comes across as the 'hero' type and most of his encounters and brushes with violence turn out to be very clumsy and unfortunate for him. Hell, at a certain point he meekly tries to opt out of the increasingly violent situation. So, I liked that element and thought it was well executed, there. My biggest problem with the film that I couldn't really get past was the weak back story. It's explained, but not much detail is given at all so it ends up feeling kinda glossed over whereas I thought the movie could have benefited from a bit more of a compelling explanation for the film's premise. Overall, it's well worth checking out. Also check out the Australian flick, "The Horseman".

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Carver (2008)

Based on the set-up and SOV approach, I wasn't expecting all that much from "Carver", but I'll be damned, it actually wasn't that bad. It's a competently directed, acted and shot backwoods-slasher flick that doesn't skimp on the grisly violence.

Your average 'clique' of body-count reserve are on a camping trip. After stopping at a small town restaurant, they agree to run an errand for the owner in return for a night of comped drinks, which leads them to discover a stash of brutal snuff films. Believing them to just be home-made slasher movies, they ignorantly stumble into the clutches of a fat hillbilly psychopath who takes great joy is slowly torturing and killing people with rusty hand tools...

"Carver" is nothing new, plot wise, but it's an easy flick to enjoy if you dig copious amounts of sadistic gore. We're talking bloody handsaw decapitations, testicle crushing and protracted sledgehammer bone smashing. It's definitely taken a little further than your regular low-budget "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" imitation, which is enough for me to make an exception when it comes to this type of typically redundant 'modern'-slasher fodder. Not to say this is libel to rock your world, but it's got decent enough performances for what it is and it's obvious that they were at least TRYING. So, my hat goes off to the ultra-violent material and the reasonably adept way in which it was shot. Recommended.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Necrophobia (1995)

"Necrophobia" is a decent psychological Dutch horror flick with an agreeable dose of bloody carnage and corpse bangin' throughout it's reasonably short run-time.

A dude's wife is struck and killed by a semi on her way back from the store, leaving him wallowing in depression and loneliness. At the cemetery, he meets a hot blonde who was hanging out around his ol' lady's grave and they arrange a date. Prior to their engagement, however, he is visited by another woman who warns him that the blonde is bad news. He blows her off and on her way home, she is abducted and killed by the evil blonde bitch. Then, during their date, it turns out she has some baggage concerning a traumatic incident involving her past lover's death and she's also under the manipulative clutches of her whacked-out therapist. So, shit ends up hitting the fan down in her dungeon of necrophilia...

This one is a pretty enjoyable and atmospheric watch. Nothing too 'out of control' in the gore department, but there's a few bits of gruesome goodness - such as a chainsaw murder and a nasty shotgun gut blast or two. You also got dildos being strapped to nailed down corpses, which is definitely awesome. "Necrophobia" is worth checking out if you dig grim, necro-themed horror flicks.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan (2013, Gary Jones)

Well, this sucked about as much as you'd expect. More cheapass straight-to-video campiness, rehashing the flash-in-the-pan "Sharknado" craze that inexplicably gained notoriety after sweeping the small screen. "Axe Giant" is about as good as THAT shit (which, in my book, means it sucks a pile of rotten donkey ass...), though it didn't catch on for whatever reason. I guess sharks falling on people is more entertaining to the American public. What the fuck do I know?

A handful of delinquent teens are sent on a camping retreat in the Minnesota mountains to be reformed. One of them finds the horn belonging to a long deceased Babe the Blue Ox (not realizing it obviously...) and takes it with him. This pisses off the evil ogre, Paul Bunyan, who emerges from his cave to look for the horn. Along the way a bunch of them are chopped up by his giant axe...

Every cliche in the book is used and the CG effects are beyond terrible, but it's obvious that they were being self-aware and intentionally 'silly' with it's retarded subject matter. This factor, however, doesn't impede on the overall suckiness of this shit heap. It's just boring and unamusing in it's over-the-top, cornball use of CG gore effects and it's overt use of green-screened backgrounds. And Joe Estevez is annoying as the zany, doom preaching hermit and the only nudity is provided by a butt-ugly ginger chick with no tits. There's nothing good about this movie, whatsoever.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

The Texas Vibrator Massacre (2008, Rob Rotten)

"The Texas Vibrator Massacre" is definitely one of the better classic horror 'pornifications' I've seen, being that it takes itself much more seriously than your average XXX 'spoof'.

A van full of porn stars are lost on some rural back road (not in Texas...). They flag down some greasy-headed punker whom they offer a ride in exchange for some directions. He immediately pulls out a knife and stabs two of them to death while the rest run off in a panic. One of the girls is snatched up by this movie's Leatherface equivalent while the two others encounter other members of the deranged, perverted family. Everyone fucks, some are killed. Pretty much everyone gets their big scene...

Like most of these porn parodies, it runs a bit too long, but I gotta give this one a pass for actually delivering on the offensive sleaziness that many flicks like this tend to cop out on. We got heavy incest themes and a big, generator-powered vibrator that is used to pulverize a woman's insides. Still, the majority of the films content is of a basic 'erotic' nature. That's all fine, I just would have liked to have seen a little more violence thrown into the mix, including more vibrator massacres. In all, "The Texas Vibrator Massacre" is a much better horror-porn 'homage' than the weakass "Friday the 13th" parody or many others I've seen. It actually has a good amount of horror motifs and some structure to it's smut-laden storyline.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Cooking with Huck Botko (1996-1998, Huck Botko)

This is actually a series of short films featured on a faux-'shockumentary' called "Ensuring Your Place in Hell". These shorts are pretty much considered the 'highlight' of that compilation.

Each one involves Robert Botko - aka. Huck Botko - getting even with close family members who have wronged him at one point or another. He does this by preparing their favorite dessert with some kind of repulsive extra "ingredient" and watching them eat it, usually each year on Christmas. Additional "fixings" include homeless guy mucus in Dad's fruitcake, roadkill in Mom's baked Alaska, hepatitis infected blood in Sis's cheesecake and his bro gets a graham cracker cream pie which you can only imagine what he has some helpful gentlemen add to that...

It doesn't take a genius to tell that these are 100% staged - especially if you do a quick search of Huck Botko in which you'll find that he went on to write and executive produce several feature films, such as "The Last Exorcism" 1 and 2. Still, each one of these (each dessert getting it's own 7-12 minute short segment...) is amusing enough in a senseless kind of way, although it's nothing too 'shocking'.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Kichiku: Banquet of the Beasts (1997, Kazuyoshi Kumakiri)

I'll hand it to "Kichiku" - this flick offers up a pay off that indemnifies the viewer for quite a slow and chiefly ineffectual build-up. If you stick it out to the final act, I'd say it's well worth the haul...

Some kind of commune of criminal college kids are getting by while their leader is in jail. Apparently, his chick has been placed in charge so she takes full advantage by slutting around the grungy domicile and fucking all of the dudes. When they eventually discover that their leader committed suicide in his cell, they begin turning on each other - especially targeting those who they feel were second-guessing their ruler behind his back. They end up traveling to the mountains where all bloody hell breaks loose.

Like I said, it takes a while for the "action" to really kick in, but "Kichiku" ends up providing some nice scenes of graphic, splattery gore. Involving - but not limited to - brutal beatings, various forms of penis removal/vaginal mutilation - including a shotgun blast in a woman's twat. Aside from all the gruesome goods, the overall tone of the movie is captivatingly grim and unpleasant. All this, despite the run-time exceeding what I feel it probably warranted - the lead-up is not completely without it's aberrant quality and sordid character interplay. Problem is, it goes on a bit too long, I thought. That said, I gotta give a "Kichiku: Banquet of the Beasts" a solid recommendation for lovers of bleak and 'extreme' Jap-gore cinema. Nothing too 'stand out' as far as I'm concerned, but there's enough here to satisfy the sickos.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

The Strange Color of Your Body's Tears (2013, Hélène Cattet & Bruno Forzani)

I'll confess, I'm not the biggest 'giallo' fan as it is, so the idea of a French/Belgian 'arthouse' spin on the genre had me moderately interested for a potential change-of-pace. It turned out to be one of the worst films I've seen in quite a while.

A guy gets back from a business trip to discover his wife is missing. In his efforts to find her, he uncovers some mysteries involving other tenants in his building - things having to do with people hiding in walls and a killer who stabs people in the top of their skulls, leaving wounds that represent vaginas for some odd reason...

Nothing makes any sense, yet nothing really happens in this film. It's a drawn out, self-indulgent bore-fest that truly epitomizes the saying "all flash, no substance". They were obviously going for the heavily stylized, visually based 'art film' tenor, but the result is simply an endless marathon of repetitive kaleidoscope imagery, extreme close-ups and full scenes of this 'jerky' type of editing that became incredibly annoying. Even if there was an intelligible plot to be found in this flick, chances are you wouldn't be able to understand it purely due to the clusterfuck way in which it was shot. Needless to say, I have no idea what the point of all the apparent randomness was, given the predictably abrupt and opaque ending. So if you get off on watching redundant and arbitrary pastiches of strung together pointlessness than I'm sure you'll probably jizz your pompous shorts over "The Strange Color of Your Body's Tears". Otherwise, horror and 'gialli' fans should steer clear.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Skinned Alive (1990, Jon Killough)

I saw "Skinned Alive" many years ago as a cherub-cheeked rental store prowling youth and remember hating it. I think I was initially put off by the incredibly low-budget tone of it, as well as the goofy, slap-stick humor it was laced with. This time around, however, I admit that I enjoyed it much more than I expected. Perhaps I'm becoming more retarded with age and it's affecting my taste in film...

It's centered around a three-piece freak family of traveling tanners who pluck people off the roads of rural Ohio and remove their hides for their leather business. When their van breaks down, they are offered a place to stay at the kindly mechanic's house while it's repaired. Their new digs don't seem to hinder their ongoing hunt for human skin and it's business as usual...

Not sure why, but I liked this flick more than I probably should have considering I hate pretty much everything that J.R. Bookwalter has been a part of and I've just generally become more 'picky' about micro-budget horror over the years. "Skinned Alive" IS stupid and full of idiotic humor, including cringe-worthy cartoonish sound-effects and incredibly cornball over-acting, which DID get annoying at times. Still, there's enough effort put into the splattery gore effects - not to say they aren't cheap looking as all hell - but it all helps to keep the movie rolling along at a decent pace. Plus, the whole failed incest angle was kind of amusing. I can't recommend this one, seeing as how I can only assume most people would hate it, but if you're into trashy, ultra-indie gore flicks then pick yourself up a copy.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

A Climax of Blue Power (1975, F.C. Perl)

This happens to be one of the more story-driven 'roughies' out there - consisting of a bit more character depth then you might expect from this type of nasty and violent '70s porno. It all comes together fairly well if you enjoy very gritty XXX-ploitation.

A power-hungry security guard poses as a police officer in his down time in order to rape/sexually degrade women. During his "off duty" hours, he witnesses a woman murder her abusive husband in their home and becomes obsessed with bringing her to justice so he'll be accepted by law enforcement - or so he assumes. It all leads up to an exceptionally bat-shit crazy ending...

The acting is surprisingly decent and the overall concept is interesting and well executed, for the most part. You get a good 'spread' of hardcore scenes, involving a massage parlor three-way and some harsh strap-lashings and rape. And it's topped off with a car chase, so it's safe to say that "A Climax of Blue Power" does NOT disappoint on all accounts if you happen to dig this golden era of sleazy 'roughie' filth. It's not the best or most fucked up of it's kind, I must say, but still well worth checking out.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Screeched (2006, Dustin Diamond)

I could give a fuck about any celebrity sex tape out there - especially one starring the guy who played Screech in the early 90s teen shitcom, "Saved by the Bell". That said, how can you possibly stay away from this type of shit? A former child star wash-up engaging in a POV three-way with a couple of sluts - eh, what the hell... Unfortunately - but not surprisingly - this thing sucks HARD...

So it starts with Screech talking to the camera about fuck-knows-what before cutting to him in a bubble bath with his presumed girlfriend. She fumbles with his dick under the suds while they discuss what they're gonna have for dinner (for what had to have been 10+ minutes) and the scene cuts off right before they supposedly have sex. Next, we shift over to the setting in which the rest of this abomination takes place - a hotel room following a bachelorette party. Apparently, these two whores are serious Screech groupies who crave his dorky pud. An ungodly amount of time is spent with Screech rifling through her sex toy gifts before the two pudgy (yet passable) prostitutes start fooling around. The one idiotic bitch attempts to put a condom on Screech's below-average size prick for no less than five minutes, the women sixty-nine a bit, there's some double-sided dong ass play and then it ends with a "dirty sanchez".

First off, Screech admitted in interviews that this shit was staged, using a 'stunt cock' and that he did it merely to cash in on the celebrity sex tape craze initiated by brainless bimbo/uber-slut, Paris Hilton. So this fucking retard fakes a sex tape and releases it himself, completely misunderstanding the voyeuristic appeal of the "genuinely" leaked sex videos. What you have here is a self-absorbed douchebag Jew-faced has-been who made a video of himself simply not shutting the fuck up for 52 minutes. All he does is yell "Duuuuuuude!" and "Yeah! That's what I'm talkin' about!" while watching the two dykes chew carpet. His attempts at humor and witty improv are beyond irritating and so cringe-inducing that it becomes unwatchable VERY early on. "Screeched" has all the porno appeal of one of those childish "Girls Gone Wild" gimmicks that just so happens to star a totally pathetic, directionless former-star fuck up whose resentment towards the industry that spit him out would undoubtedly lead him to bar stabbing in Wisconsin.